Said by a sick computer programmer

"I'm just coughing and hacking."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DENelson83
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
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Some punny jobs

WORKING ON A JOB

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned I just couldn’t concentrate. . Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe. . After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it. The job was only so-so anyhow. . Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting. . I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn’t cut it. . I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard. . My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t note worthy. . I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn’t have any patience. . Next was a job in a shoe factory; but it just wasn’t the right fit. . I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income. . I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell. . I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. . After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it. . My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TTMOfficial
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
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Why did the programmer leave his job ?

Because he couldn’t hack it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kaelp667
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
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Where do you get the best dad jokes?

Hack the dad-a-base.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/qaddosh
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
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My dog initially barked when the people installing my shingles started then barked again as they finished...

Re-roofing complete.

*Edit: reworded punchline. I think it might be better said "replacing my shingles" but I cannot for the life of me edit that part...

*ahem* without hacking.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2020
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The creator of the hokey pokey died from the coronavirus.

Only his closest family was at the funeral but they live streamed it on Zoom. Some degenerate hacked the feed and starting playing the hokey pokey audio and he kept putting his left foot in and out of the coffin. His family was initially horrified at the hack but later was able to laugh a little, out of the sheer ridiculousness of the situation. They learned to live in the moment and remember the good moments of life, and that’s what it’s all about.

clap clap

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
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I wanted to set the world record for the most trees cut down,

But I just couldn’t hack it

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TwistTG
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2019
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A older man was slowly becoming sicker and sicker as time went on....

The man never took it seriously at first, he figured he was just getting older and blamed it on age.

After a few weeks, the man has developed an incredible frequent and annoying cough.
His wife is annoyed and is constantly telling him to go the doctor, but the man kept refusing.

One day during an argument, his wife has had it with his coughing and hacking and tells him "Im making a bet, if this damn coughin kills you i'm writing ' I told you so' on your tombstone!"
The man laughs her off since they both have a twisted sense of humor, and tells her its a deal, if the coughin kills him she can carve that.
The man continues on for another week

One day the man is out going for a walk through his neighborhood, when a freak accident occurs between a truck carrying coffins and a car, which results in a coffin flying off the truck, tragically landing on the old man and kills him.

Later at his funeral, his wife makes a very odd request to have them carve "I told you so" on his headstone.

When the caretaker asks her why she wants to do this, she tells him about their dark humor, and fills him in on the bet they recently made.
The caretaker is touched by the story, and agrees to do it for her, because in the end,

It was that damn coffin that killed him

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ItsArgon
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2019
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I used to break into secure servers

But now I just can't hack it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stickiler
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2019
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LIFE HACK: Name your next child something normal.

Me: Are you still mad that your mother and I named you Life Hack?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/analytik
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2018
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Does anyone know of any forums for fellow ax murderers?

We can share LifeHacks...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SarcasticaFont
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2019
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Plant Obsessed

I heard about a man who was obsessed with houseplants. His wife got to the point that she couldn't deal with them all over the house so she had him move all of his plants to the entryway. Now that the plants were consolidated it was much easier to move about the house, but he kept adding plants to their entryway until it was impossible to leave the house.

His wife finally had enough and tried to clear them out herself but they were all intertwined and she was unable to hack through the forest that now occupied their entryway. Desperate, she called a family friend, a forester with the National Park Service, who came and cleared out the veritable jungle while the man who had raised the plants looked on in dismay.

Just before leaving, the forester turned to the man and spoke sternly: "Only you can prevent forest foyers."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Oeklampadius1532
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2018
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I've used this on my kids and my students. Makes me laugh every time. They laugh some of the time.

Person is having a coughing fit...cough cough hack cough cough.

Me: "maybe you shouldn't drink so much...(pause)...coughee.

(Hilarity ensues, at least for me.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mistermajik2000
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2014
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Village Idiot Puns

Way back when I was a kid, for my school's Renaissance Faire-esque fundraiser, I went around wearing a sign that read "Vilage Idiot". When guests asked why, I'd reply, "I wasn't always the village idiot...

  • β€œI used to be a tailor... but it didn't quite suit me... It was only a so-so job.”
  • β€œI once was a lumberjack... but I couldn't hack it... so they gave me the axe.”
  • β€œI was a fisherman too... I just couldn't live off my net income.”
  • β€œI thought about being a witch for a spell.”
  • β€œI tried being a chef... but I just didn't have enough thyme for it.”
  • β€œI was a musician once... but I didn't accomplish anything noteworthy.”
  • β€œFor awhile I was a doctor... but I didn't have the patience to keep it up.”
  • β€œI once was a accountant... but I lost interest. The job was too taxing.”
  • β€œI tried moonlighting as a nun... but I confess, they didn't like my altar ego... or my bad habits.”
  • β€œMore recently, I was a baker... but I couldn't make enough dough at it... Guess I wasn't bred for the job.”
  • β€œHeck, I was even king for a day... but I didn't have any crowning achievements.”

...And so now, here I am: village idiot, just like my father was. Ah... my father, he was the best village idiot we ever had. It's hard living in his shadow sometimes. You see, my father was a complete idiot! ...I'm just a half-wit.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ason42
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2016
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Whatever you do, don't accept friend requests from Lizzie Borden

You will get hacked

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πŸ‘€︎ u/debonair-yeti
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2017
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Whats a computer nerds favourite gaming genre?

Hack and /

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Drakesfjord
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2016
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WhereΒ΄s the Wizard of Oz?

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads.... He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing. Anyway.... This yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother. "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads" he begs her. "I'm hacked off being so visible to predators. The stress is like, killing me, you know?" "Okay" says the fairy godmother, who whips out her magic wand and goes: "Abracapokus! You're brown!" The toad looks down and sees that he is brown! Except..... for his weenie, which was still yellow. "Hang about lady," he says to the fairy godmother, "My pecker's still yellow!" "Yeah, well I don't do weenies," she says, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that." So the toad thanks her and hops off on his way. There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother (yes, okay, it's a coincidence, but it's true). "Fairy Godmother! You're just the person I need!" says the purple bear, "I can't pull any bearesses cos they don't want to be seen with a purple bear on account of the hunters. They can spot me from a mile off." Being a fairly nice fairy godmother, she takes out her magic wand. "Oh for goodness sake, what is the matter with you lot round here" she says and with that, she yells: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!" The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown. Except for his goolies, which remain purple.. "Hold up sweetheart!" he says to the fairy Godmother, "My goolies are still purple!" "Yeah, well I don't do those goolie things," she replies, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that." "Well that's just dandy, innit?" the bear replies, "How the hell do I find the Wizard of Oz?" "Easy," says the fairy godmother as she flew off saying......... "Just follow the yellow-prick toad !!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/janeybabygoboom
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2016
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Got fired today; Dad could relate...

Dad - "I lost my job at a butcher's shop once; Couldn't hack it."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gillsware
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2014
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Washington Post Headline: IBM ends campaign urging women to hack hair dryers after heated blowback

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-switch/wp/2015/12/08/ibm-ends-campaign-urging-women-to-hack-hair-dryers-after-heated-blowback/?hpid=hp_hp-cards_hp-card-technology%3Ahomepage%2Fcard

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πŸ‘€︎ u/samsdeadfishclub
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2015
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Playing GTA5

Last night I played GTA 5, and I was inside one of those neat clothing stores to buy a suit. I bought a suit, I return to my character, and out of nowhere there was a public transport bus in the middle of the store. I reacted with what the hack, and my dad looks at my screen and says: ah I see, you must be in one of those new Hugo buss stores.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrkklppr
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2015
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He tells this to everyone he meets.

"So someone hacked my Facebook account... it tells me that the password is wrong, but I type wrong and I can't log-in."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dysoco
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2013
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Terrible Cough

Dad: hack hack wheeze cough hack

Mom: That cough sounds terrible!

Dad: Really? I've been practicing it all day!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/needfortweed
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2013
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I wanted to be a lumberjack but...

I couldn't hack it.Β  So i worked in a orange juice factory but I couldn't concentrate.Β  So i studied to become a doctor but I didn't have the patience.Β  So I become a tailor but the job never suited me.Β  So i worked inΒ a shoe shop but I couldn't fit in.Β  So i became a chef butI never had the tyme.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lookoutnow
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2019
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Life Hack: Give your next child a normal name.

Me: Are you still mad that me and your mother named you Life Hack?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Phoenix_Gaming1
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2018
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