I was really disappointed to see my high school valedictorian at the beach just feeding a baby dolphin. I told him that we had all expected big things from him.

He looked at me and said simply, "hey, I'm serving a youthful porpoise."

Credit to the late, great Norm MacDonald, whose version is lengthier and, of course, funnier.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2021
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I think Norm would have liked this one.

Me: Norm Macdonald died of cancer

Wife: OH, that's sad, what kind of cancer?

Me: The fatal kind

Wife: eye roll

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Miklay83
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2021
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I need glasses to see my family

More specifically, two glasses .... of scotch

(Credit: Norm Macdonald Live)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sillysadandsolemn
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
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I was hanging my clothes out to dry

And they says to me, "so you think you are too good for us " And I says to them, I says, " No nothing like that, I am just going to be a nudist for a while."

(Dedicated to my inspiration: Norm Macdonald)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sillysadandsolemn
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2020
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I'm amazed Reddit

There are now over a million subs for this silly, corny, beautiful feed of dad jokes.

Link to PROOF: http://imgur.com/ksprvA1

A million subs is a big number.

If we put a million subs end to end, we'd be able to reach a very small part of the way around the Earth... Double that if they were foot long subs, and we'd make it all the way around and more if they were the kind of subs that go under water.

That's why I'm amazed.

Well done everyone on being amazing dads with amazing dad jokes. No matter what kind of dad you are - inside or outside expected dad norms - keep the world laughing and shaking their head.

(I'll keep this stickied for a short period of communal celebration and then go back to the shadows as normal. Keep doing you, dads.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tali3sin
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2018
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[REQUEST] I need roast jokes for middle schoolers.

Mods, if this is against the rules, I apologize. Feel free to remove and I'll try and find better luck on Google.

I'm a middle school teacher and my 8th graders are graduating on Thursday. They've been a great, wonderful class to have, but they always complain about lame my jokes are. I feel that the most suitable way to send them off would be, either on the last day of class or at their graduation ceremony, would be to send them off with their own individual dad roast from me. (Think Norm MacDonald at the Bob Saget roast).

If anybody has any good dad roast jokes that won't get me fired nor get misconstrued for bullying, I'd greatly appreciate it. Thanks!

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2018
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My husband's dad game is getting much better.

Yesterday, I was running back from the school bus after asking the driver to give me a moment because my disabled son had had an accident and I was about finished cleaning him up. It was raining and muddy and I was in my bare feet, but this is the norm out here.

On the way back I managed to get my big toenail ripped up off the nailbed down to about halfway to the cuticle. Never done that before in 31 years, and oh my, I have to say it was a whole different level of exquisite agony when I finally noticed it. Funny how you never notice things like that until you see all the blood and how it doesn't even hurt until you touch it.

Sparing you the details of tracking in blood for five minutes before I even noticed I'd done it, the husband cringed quite a bit when he got home from work and saw it.

Fast forward to today--my period started and I had one hell of a headache all day long. He gets home from work and asks, "you ok, babe?" Because I'm usually pretty cheerful when he walks in the door, but today I was cranky as fuck.

"Eh, period started. Headache. Glad you're home, I can take a pain pill and you can watch the kids."

"Oh." He looked me up and down slowly and grinned. "So... now you're hurting from head... to toe?"

Motherfucker.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SmutGoddess
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2015
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Best Halloween costume idea: I'm going to ask Norm Macdonald if I can glue myself to him for an evening.

I'm going to be adhered to a social norm.

It might smell funny.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Trollfouridiots
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2015
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My brother's girlfriend pulled this one...

Her: What do lawyers wear to court?

Me: Uh, suits, norm-

Her: Lawsuits

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eptar
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2016
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I out dad joked my own dad

So I’ve just gotten home from a run last night. My mum reminds me to wash my hair, and my brother quips in by saying; β€˜Don’t forget to put some shit in your hair’ (toilet humour is the norm in my house).

After showering, I come back downstairs and find my brother. β€˜Hey Rob (that’s his name), I remembered to put some shit in my hair … but I think it was fake.’ I say. He gives me a funny look. β€˜I think it was sham-poo’.

My dad who is sitting nearby groans. My mum gives me a slow clap. I feel really proud.

That feel when pun is life.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bobulibobium
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2015
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I can't say it yet, but the day will come.

I'm getting married in a few months. The subject of kids comes up once in a while. My fiancee wants to name our first daughter Kara, and I just realized why this will be amazing.

Someday she will reach the age where complaints are the norm and the only thing her eyes can do is roll.

My response to every complaint: "I don't Kara"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AxeEffect3890
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2015
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All hail the king of dadjokes

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/661a77b3da/norm-macdonald-trolls-the-bob-saget-roast

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tamarockstar
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2013
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