Just happened, proud of myself: just had a quick office zoom meeting with a lot of people. As each person popped on zoom made that βDING DONGβ sound. One of my bosses said βanyone that can figure out how to make Zoom stop doing that is gonna get a prize.β
I said βare you gonna give them the No-Bell prize?β
I HAVE WON THE DAY
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︎ Oct 26 2021
Every day, a doctor would go to the same bar and order a chestnut daiquiri. One day, the bartender ran out of chestnut and used hickory instead. The doctor came in, sipped it, and exclaimed, βEw! What is this?!β. The bartender replied:
βThatβs a hickory daiquiri, doc!β
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︎ Nov 09 2021
Get out if this one!!
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︎ Aug 22 2021
One night a viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window...
He said to his wife "It's going to rain."
His wife looks at him and says "What? How do you know?"
He then proceeds to look his wife dead in the eyes and exclaims: "Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
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︎ Aug 18 2021
3 strings were walking one night and the stopped in front of a bar. 1st string was thirsty, so he goes in, and asked for a beer. The bartender said, "Get out! I don't serve strings!" So the string sadly leaves. 2nd string called the 1st a wimp. He goes in and demands to be served!
But the bartender was firm.
"Get out of here! I don't serve strings!"
The 2nd string sadly leaves.
The 3rd string said, "Both of you are dumb. Watch this!"
And so he frays himself, and ties himself into a knot. He went in, and asked for a beer.
The bartender eyed him suspiciously.
"Are you a string?" the bartender asked.
"Nope!" said the string. "I'm a frayed knot!"
(Quite the yarn, eh?) π
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︎ Nov 04 2021
Have you herd the one about the Out of work DJ?
his got fired from his part time job as a fishmonger because he kept dropping the bass...
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︎ Oct 13 2021
Out of all birds that exist, which one has the most money?
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︎ Sep 10 2021
An elderly couple are sitting in church and the wife says to the husband βIβve let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?ββ¦..
The husband replies βChange the battery in your hearing aid.β
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︎ Aug 24 2021
One time the police kicked me out of a big niche event that was displaying figurines for tiny toy towns, and the most fashionable clothes from up and coming designers. The police said βyou donβt belong hereβ and I said βwhy donβt I belong hereβ and they said
Because youβre not a model citizen.
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︎ Sep 22 2021
I recently asked my Uncle, who has been a lawyer for forty years, what kind of advice he'd give someone just starting out. He looked at me and he said, "One thing I learned pretty quickly is to *never* put a harp on the witness stand".
"It turns out out that they're typically lyres".
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︎ Aug 12 2021
Out for pizza, One Slice left Dad bets " if I can tell you where you got your shoes its my slice"
Sitting there smiling knowing I got these shoes on vacation and don't even know the name of the store I say "sure"
Dad says " You got your shoes on your feet".
You win that slice old man.
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︎ Aug 28 2021
Pluto walked into a bar and came out without paying the bill...no one could see him escape since he's...
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︎ Sep 07 2021
On the one hand, 2021 has turned out to be better than 2020β¦. But, on the other hand,β¦
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︎ Jul 21 2021
No one should be surprised itβs hard to put out fires in the Mediterranean.
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︎ Aug 10 2021
Since my son came out as trans, no one has seen much of me.
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︎ Jul 01 2021
Saw an airbed for sale yesterday listed at 2 prices, one for the airbed pre-blown up and the other with no air in. Unfortunately, they sold out of the the one with no air in so I had to fork out for the more expensive pre-blown one.
Stupid inflation, always driving up prices.
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︎ Jul 17 2021
My car tells me jokes when i open my door to get out. The best part is it understands my humor but I wish they programmed it with more than one joke...
It keeps telling me my door is a jar.
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︎ Jul 30 2021
My Mexican amigo went to a costume party dressed as a bean. No one could figure him out tho, and always asked, "are you dress as a bean?"
He'd always reply, "si. Yo soy.."
π︎ 4
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︎ Aug 21 2021
I was making country puns DENMARK, one of my friends, all of SWEDEN started RUSSIAN into my talk , Mark yelled, βUGANDA be kidding me what are you GHANA do with these puns?β IRAN out of patience and said KENYA please shutup and be KUWAIT. ?
π︎ 3
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︎ Jul 17 2021
Here's a joke my daughter just told me, so proud of her! A guy walked into a house when the owners were home. He pulled out a gun and shot them in the head, but no one died. Why not?
Because they were in the living room.
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︎ Jul 03 2021
Two Deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says
βI canβt believe I blew 40 bucks in thereβ
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︎ Feb 02 2021
Ever have one of those days where everything is going great, and a nice, warm bowl of soup would just be wonderfulβ¦ but then you find out that there just arenβt ANY crackers to be found? Not in the cupboard, not in the pantry, nowhere at all?
Definitely one of those days where youβre cracker-lacking!
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︎ Jul 26 2021
No one could figure out who set the Cathedral of Notre Dame on fire..
... But Quasimodo had a hunch.
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︎ Apr 11 2021
The design subreddits didn't care too much for puns, hope you get a chuckle out of this poster I created. The Talon-ted Ones. Coming to a venue near you.
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︎ Jun 07 2021
You know, one good thing came out of quarantine
All my jokes became inside jokes
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︎ May 04 2021
One of my students got out of line
I probably should stop teaching mountain climbing
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︎ Jul 05 2021
I once made a belt out of one dollar bills.
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︎ Mar 08 2021
I put my left ear next to one of those fancy wind funnel fans, and I actually could feel a little air coming out of my right ear.
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︎ Jun 18 2021
Thereβs one word in the English language you will never find in a dictionary. Donβt believe me? Check it out yourself. Itβs...
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︎ Jun 10 2021
A man walks into a pet store and asks for a dozen bees. The clerk carefully counts 13 bees out onto the counter. βThatβs one too many!β says the customer.
The clerk replies βItβs a freebieβ
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︎ Mar 11 2020
Just found out they make adult race car beds so I bought one.
That way I can be fast asleep.
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︎ Apr 06 2021
Back in the 70s and 80s, Iβd often dress up nicely, go out and order dinner for one, see movies alone, take long solitary walks...
Wow, Iβm really dating myself.
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︎ May 22 2021
Two skunks were named In and Out. One day, In went missing. Even though he was deep in the forest, Out found him right away. When asked how he did it, Out replied
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︎ May 21 2021
What goes in one hole, and out three others?
You, putting on a t-shirt.
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︎ Apr 03 2021
Two giant windmills are out on a hilltop. One turns to the other and asks, "what kind of music do you like? "
The other one says, "I'm a really big metal fan."
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︎ Apr 29 2021
My uncle used to work at a factory that recycled worn out whitewalls. One day, he fell into one of the processing machines...
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︎ May 21 2021
I went to the hardware store with a friend and the store had pallets of soil, seed, and fertilizer out front. We both stopped and looked at one of the pallets stacked high with bags of dried steer manure. The sign said, "Strict limit 2 per customer."
My friend looked at me and said, "I guess there's only so much shit you can take."
True story.
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︎ Apr 29 2021
2 snowmen out in a field, one turns to the other and says...
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︎ Feb 01 2021
True story: As kids, my sister and I were fighting over the TV remote and it got heated. The remote flew across the room and a couple AAA batteries fell out. My sister threw one at me, and I grabbed a nearby salt shaker and threw it at her.
My mother, who was watching this go down, just laughs and says, "Assault and battery!"
She then left the room, cackling.
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︎ Mar 07 2021
One of my friends slipped in the bed of his truck and knocked himself out....
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︎ Mar 05 2021
Make two rectangles out of a diamond using one line
This was a problem on my step sons homework. No matter what, he couldn't seem to grasp it. So, I grabbed some post-it notes, turned it to a diamond and said "this is a diamond correct?" he says yes. I then turn the post-it notes a few degrees and say "this is a square correct?" And he instantly got what he had to do. I then threw out this, grade "A" knee slapper of a line "Diamonds are just crooked squares, you can't trust'em".
I think I'm gonna put on my jorts and tube socks now.
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︎ Apr 16 2021
I make Christmas wreaths for a living. So I decided I would make one out of 100 dollar bills the other day.
I call it a wreath of Franklin.
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︎ Dec 09 2020
A Russian named Rudolph looked out of his window one day and told his wife not to go out without an umbrella. His wife asked βWhat makes you say thatβ?
He replied βRudolph the red knows rain dearβ.
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︎ Dec 14 2020
Since it's International Women's Day, I'd like to point out some inequality: If my wife wears nothing but one of my t-shirts it's cute, but if I wear nothing but one of her t-shirts...
...I have to leave Home Depot.
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︎ Mar 08 2021
My stressed out Mexican friend is moving to a place where one can live a life of ease on 100 centavos a day...
He needs a change of peso.
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︎ Mar 22 2021
An elderly couple is in a church. The wife says to the husband βIβve let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?β
The husband says βChange the battery in your hearing aid.β
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︎ Jun 04 2021
No one could figure out who set fire to the Cathedral of Notre Dame.
But Quasimodo had a hunch.
π︎ 68
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︎ Feb 18 2021
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