I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”
I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...
What did Pink Panther say when he stepped on an ant?
Dead ant, dead ant … dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, DEAD ANNNNT!
I've placed simultaneous orders for a rotisserie chicken on Uber Eats, and for an egg omelette on DoorDash
Looks like we're about to find out, once and for all, what comes first!
I came up with the top ten reasons you shouldn't pee on an electric fence...
What do you call an ex pimp who lives on the streets?
I got into a fight with my brother on the way to church today because he was positive that Jesus was an Intel processor guy....
When anybody with half a brain clearly knows he has a Ryzen
I just saw an announcement on TV. Seems there’s a fortune teller that happens to be a dwarf, wanted by the FBI
To sum it up, there’s a small medium at large.
Scientists have discovered that, on occasion, an octopus will "punch" a fish for no reason other than spite
That's called Toxic Molluskulinity.
What did the frog say when he opened an app on his phone in the library?
Today, on the news, there was an incident in my town where a city bus lost control and landed on top of a house. No one was killed and the city is paying all passengers.
I guess you can say the bus ride was on the house.
What do you call when you lit an 'O' on fire?
I bought an imitation diamond engagement ring to propose to my Irish girlfriend on St Patrick's day. I just hope she doesn't notice..
What is it you use when you want to close a sentence, and, you know stop one thing to start another; I mean how do you bring one sentence to an end so you can start another one, hang on, I’ve found it .
Apologies this was a very difficult period for me.
Do you know who is an expert on the Dunning-Kruger effect?
After careful consideration, I’ve decided to go on an entirely vegetarian based diet.
I will now only eat animals that are herbivores.
An Astrologist and Law Enforcement Officer are on a date
Astrologist: I’m an Aries, what’s your sign?
Cop: I’m a LEO.
What do you get when you put a vest on an alligator?
I used to go out with a girl who used to punch me on my face everytime she had an orgasm
I didn't mind too much, until I found out, she was faking them.
When my wife and I started dating, I took her on a date that cost an arm and a leg.
I guess you could say I went out on a limb for her.
What kind of reptile do you bring on an expedition?
I started reading an article on Stockholm syndrome.
At first it was terrible, but by the end, I found amazing.
If there were months on an alternative “Planet-B”, would they be named the same?
When I came to the cruise party with an eyepatch on and a cutlass only to see everyone in suits and ties,
I realized I was dressed inappropirately
I went on a tour of an underwear factory once.
It wasn't very long so my time there was brief.
I was an uber driver for a bunch of pro wrestlers, they were so tired after their show they all just stacked on top of each other in my backseat
I guess I was the pile driver
An urban legend that was revealed on the movie Legally Blonde.
Guy 1: I heard that the main character kept stabbing people on the set filming Legally Blonde. I can't remember her full name. It was Reese..... something. She just kept attacking people one by one but I don't know who it was.
Guy 2: Witherspoon
Guy 1: No...... with her knife. Who would be that stupid to use a spoon to hurt over.
I ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon.
I filmed and screened an entire documentary series on terrorism.
What kind of tree nut is best to take out on the boat for an all day fishing trip?
A Pecan
but only if you pronounce it "pee can"
What do you call an alchemist on drugs?
Why would you never murder on an elevator?
Because it's wrong on so many levels
Knew an bird watcher who lived so long he saw every bird except one. On his deathbed he was asked if he thought he used his time well
He said he had no Egretes
My kid started making an airplane when I kept on telling him not to
Today I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume knob stuck on full."
I thought, "I can't turn that down."
I was thinking of making an investment on a new farming venture that feeds marijuana to cows instead of grass.
The steaks will be too high for sure.
(true story) After having my son install an electric keypad deadbolt on the man door in my garage, my daughter says:
Dad, are you sure that new deadbolt was man-door-tory??
Making daddy proud.
Why do vultures never check their bags on an airline?
I'm making a new documentary series on how to fly an aeroplane
We're currently filming the pilot
Just got an epic eye roll for this: My son was showing me his school work from math, where he was learning fractions. I pointed to where he wrote his name on a line at the top and asked what that fraction was.
I told him it should be {Sons Name} / Mommy. Since he came from her.
Then I said he could reduce that fraction further since he came from his mommy, that fraction would equal....
One Whole
I saw an ambulance with the lights on at the local mechanics today.
Guess they needed an emergency service.
If you sign up for an economics class, you should bring some spoiled milk on the first day.
They’re a big fan of gross domestic products.
Where do the corn dogs and pretzels go on a ship during an emergency?
Did you know Apple is working on an EV?
Has anyone seen it? I am looking for some iWitness’s
My local clothing store has an area set aside to try on clothes that is perfectly placed in the store...
I just heard an announcement on a loud speaker outside my home saying, "If you invest 50$ just once, you can sit and eat for the rest of your life".
I went out and saw the idiot; he was selling chairs.
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10." But what I still don’t get is why...
She wanted me to urinate on a skeleton.
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