A list of puns related to "On & On"
Apparently it's illegal to wave a fire arm in public.
but it does give me paws.
It was a lovely service...
So I said, “Sure! But it’ll go right through you!”
Hes known as the bi-polar bi-polar bi polar bear.
Sounded like she enjoyed her ménage à froid.
Boy, was my face red!
He walked by me as I was scrolling through reddit and said “I’d better not see any Frenchmen Oui Oui on your screen.”
(Dave and Buster's is an arcade)
She absolutely beat me at any shooting game we played, as well as basketball. Afterwards I told her, "I figured out why you beat me at basketball and those shooting games. I have terrible aim, but you're a little more Amy."
I got vinyl flooring & vinyl siding
Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."
"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."
Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps, goes into the booth and puts on the earphones.
Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognized none of those."
"I'm sorry Sir," says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."
Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make, steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it," he says, "I am the worlds leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"
"I really am terribly sorry," says the young assistant, "I've just realised I was playing you the bee side!"
They always made him put their carrion overhead.
Ron Swanson: Ron?
Ron Dunn: Ron.
Ron Swanson: Last name?
Ron Dunn: Dunn.
Ron Swanson: Is that your name, or are you telling me that you're finished talking?
Ron Dunn: Both.
Ron Swanson: Dunn . . . & done?
Ron Dunn: [chuckles]
How to join the stage: raise your hand and I'll call on you when it's your turn
The event has ended, thank you to everyone who participated!
I was going to have a poll but that type of post isn’t allowed here. I’ve been seeing a lot of jokes that others wouldn’t count as dad jokes. There seems to be a lot of stances on the matter.
I personally don’t mind them as long as they’re not offensive to a specific group of people and marked as NSFW, but I just wanted to see what everyone else thought. Just want everyone to be happy and feel welcome here 🙂
My five year old just came running upstairs, and he said “Dad, I’m hungry!”
My eyes immediately lit up, but with a quickness I could only be proud of, he added: “my name isn’t hungry, I would just like something to eat.”
He is catching on.
and immediately crashes it, killing several people.
At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death.
Before he faces his sentence, he’s offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him.
The next day, he’s led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing happens.
There’s never been a failure before. But because you cannot punish a person twice for the same crime, the court is forced to let him go free.
Within a week’s time, naturally, the man, who is obsessed with trains, goes and steals another one.
He doesn’t care that he can’t drive it or that he failed catastrophically before; he is obsessed with trains and his only desire is to operate one. As before, he crashes it, and kills several people.
Again, he stands trial, and again, he is sentenced to death, showing no remorse, only delight that he got to operate the train.
His last meal request is a single banana. When he goes to the chair, the executioner pulls the switch, but nothing happens. He goes free again.
The train-obsessed maniac, once more on the loose, wastes no time in hijacking a train and crashing it.
His trial is speedy, because this has already happened twice, and he is sentenced to death.
They ask him what he’d like for his last meal. “A single banana,” he says.
“Oh, no you don’t, you son of a bitch. We’re on to you, now. We know all about your little banana trick, and you’re not escaping this time!”
The guards refuse his request, and instead serve him a standard last meal of steak, potatoes, and berry cobbler.
The next morning they strap him into the electric chair, pull the switch, and... nothing happens.
“Did you give him the banana?” demands the head guard.
“No, sir! He asked for the banana but we didn’t give it to him, we swear!” says one of the guards.
Turns out the banana had nothing to do with anything. He was just a really bad conductor.
Covid is spiking in my area again worse than ever and everyone is so burned out and frustrated.
Everyday, I jump on this sub, find a joke and put it in our unit instant messenger for a pick-me-up that makes everyone smile.
No joke, just a thank you.
You can always count on them.
“Dad, where did you find a Himalayan Deer?”
“I found Himalayan in the road on the way home…”
In the bathroom, because then European, and in the hallway on the way to the bathroom because then you're Russian
"Our vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on us for years!"
It’s called “Curry On My Wayward Spud”. And yes.. There’ll be peas when you are done.
My wife left me a small note on the fridge saying "This isn't working anymore". But the fridge runs just fine and I haven't seen her in days
They said I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
I went straight to the bar, bought drinks for everyone there and asked them to put it on my tab.
SO: Where do Rainbows go when they are bad?
Me: Idk you got me on that one..
SO: They go to Prism......
*crickets chirping*
SO: but dont worry its just a LIGHT sentence!
My daughter will be 4 in December and I've been teaching her jokes involving animals and the sounds they make. I had taught her;
What do ducks eat? Quackers
What's a cows favourite place to go? To the mooovies.
She thought they were hilarious and for the next few days I would ask her to tell me a joke and she would repeat one of these jokes and we would laugh together. I asked her this morning to tell me a joke expecting one of these same jokes that she knows, then she took me by surprise by asking;
Why was the sheep on the naughty step?
I was taken aback and wondered where it was going, so I replied;
I don't know. Why was the sheep on the naughty step?
Coz he was a baaaad boy.
Few moments of stunned silence then me and the wife looked at eachother, then burst into fits of laughter while my daughter beamed with pride. Her twin brother is often on the naughty step for being a 'bad boy' and I'm thinking that she has put 2 and 2 together and came up with infant/toddler comedy gold. Very clever, and very proud dad.
I don’t remember signing up on their mailing list.
He took them on single handedly!
Go post NSFW jokes somewhere else. If I can't tell my kids this joke, then it is not a DAD JOKE.
If you feel it's appropriate to share NSFW jokes with your kids, that's on you. But a real, true dad joke should work for anyone's kid.
Mods... If you exist... Please, stop this madness. Rule #6 should simply not allow NSFW or (wtf) NSFL tags. Also, remember that MINORS browse this subreddit too? Why put that in rule #6, then allow NSFW???
Please consider changing rule #6. I love this sub, but the recent influx of NSFW tagged posts that get all the upvotes, just seem wrong when there are good solid DAD jokes being overlooked because of them.
Thank you,
A Dad.
Nothing, it’s on the house
1.) A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. He says, ‘Uno, dos…” and poof! He disappeared without a tres.
2.) I use mucho with my Spanish friends.... it means a lot to them.
3.) Q. Why does Michael J Fox make the finest milkshakes? A. He uses the finest ingredients
4.) Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
5.) People who take care of chickens are literally chicken tenders.
6.) Communist jokes aren’t funny unless everyone gets them.
7.) I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.
8.) Q. What’s brown and sticky? A. A stick
9.) Q. What’s slippery and a foot long A. A slipper
I’ve got more but I don’t want this post to be too long so I’ll leave it at that. If I get enough upvotes I’ll call up my stepdad for more. Let me know which are you’re favourites.
More on this story as it unfolds
Because they work on many levels
Because Dawn is tough on Greece
I want to talk about my father and the wonderful influence he has had on my life,' he told the audience. 'He is a shining example of parenthood, and I love him more than words could ever do justice.'
At this point he seemed to struggle for words. After a pause, he looked up with a sly grin and said, 'Sorry, but it's really hard to read my father’s handwriting.'
Well, the full statement was "You're pretty annoying", but I focus on the positive things
I was giving him a shoulder ride, and he was fidgeting, tugging my hair etc.
I asked him "what's up buddy"
He threw both hands into the air (dw I was holding his ankles) and shouted "Me" with a huge grin on his face.
It dawned on him.
(my first original joke!)
On the other hand I'm ok...
I told him not to let it on social media or it'll air all his dirty laundry
The grasshopper looks at the bartender, with a look of extreme confusion on his face, and says, "You have a drink called Steve?"
today while carrying our child(10m) in a bodycarrier at a Viking fair, a shop owner asked if I was using one of thoes new 3d printed shirts, and right there I knew it was my time to shine
I said." while yes, it takes about 9 months to print."
the look on his face was priceless, took a few revolutions but then he just look a bit defeated..
GF's look was a mix of headshaking and laughter...
On his way home, he stops by at the grocery store and asks the store assistant: "Do you mind throwing me that fish?"
Set a man on fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
Our newborn was sleeping on my chest yesterday. She woke up crying. "Woke up on the wrong side of the dad huh?" I said. She stopped crying.... Felt good.
Now we scroll through books on tablets.
Caveman Bob wedged a long, thick branch under it, hoping to pry it away - but the boulder would not budge. Caveman Bob tried over and over again, but eventually the branch snapped in two. Poor Caveman Bob was stuck. Sigh...
Suddenly, Caveman Bob remembered his neighbor, Caveman Nate, was big and strong and maybe he could help. So Caveman Bob banged on the wall of his cave, hollering, "Caveman Nate, Caveman Bob Stuck!!!" Caveman Bob did this many, many times when suddenly, he heard grunting and groaning from outside his cave. Caveman Bob went to look, and sure enough, Caveman Nate was pushing the huge boulder away from Caveman Bob's doorway. Caveman Bob was FREE at last. Caveman Nate saved the day.
The moral of this story is... Better Nate than Lever.
Starting a land clearing company and would like to come up with a play on words for it.
Problem is no one seems to have any name ideas
Was hoping I could get some interest in this and the name we choose will be given 500 for the work.
Thank you in advance
Luckily, I was only on the second rung.
I used to be a crustaceologist that specialised in lobsters. I loved what I did, but I couldn't even get out of the house on my own after the accident, much less go to work. I fell into a deep depression.
My scientist friends wanted to cheer me up, and so they engineered a robot lobster that I could take care of. It was incredibly smart and slowly became my best friend. It was incredibly friendly and playful. It made every day a little bit brighter. I loved it like my own child. I named it Amy, after my beloved daughter that had moved away. For the first time since my disability, I started to feel truly happy. Motivated, I decided to go for brain surgery and finally get past the entire incident. It was risky, but I made it through. Life is better than its ever been now, and I owe it all to that one robot that changed it all.
Everything is so much better now, all thanks to my Lob-bot amy
they all have classes.
(As a programmer, I'll use this one on my son)
Secretly (when my wife was out), I'd ask her "who do you love more?", and praise her when she said "dadda!". This has been going on for weeks now.
The other day, my wife got home and I wanted to show her my little 'trick'. So I asked our daughter, "Who do you love more?", in which case she replied "dadda!" and ran towards my wife (which is very clearly her favourite btw).
My wife, who didn't care much for the new thing I taught our daughter, bent down and picked her up to cuddle with her. Her facial expression changed a bit, then she laughed. She looked at me and said "well, she ran to me as she said that, and her diaper is full... so clearly she was full of crap when she said that!"
My wife is now in on the dad jokes and won this one!
Edit: Bolded the text to emphasize what part of this story was the dad joke...
Final Edit: My wife was surprised at how much this blew up! She says thanks to everyone, but she has no idea what the awards are for (since she doesn’t use Reddit). 😂
Oddly, I noticed a small metal box sitting on the back bumper. When the ambulance turned the corner, the box flew off and landed on the curb. I thought it's time for me to be a good Samaritan so I pulled over and retrieved it. Curious I made the mistake of opening it….there was a human toe packed a bag on ice 😱😱😱.
After getting over my 🤢🤮🤢 I thought someone probably really needs this, so I called the hospital and told them what I saw, they said 'yes, the ambulance had arrived minus the box!'. I gave them my location and asked if they were going to send another ambulance to collect it?
The lady replied...
"No, we'll just send a toe truck......."
They work on many levels.
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