Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are locked in battle, and Vader says to Luke, "I know what you're getting for Christmas." Luke says, "No, that's impossible, how could that be?" Vader leans in closer, their lightsabers crackling under the pressure, and he replies...

I felt your presents!

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
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When someone is depressed, apply pressure to some part of their body. They'll no longer be de-pressed.
πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SuspiciousOmelet
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2019
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Why do all kids want to be an astronaut?

Because there is no pressure

πŸ‘︎ 79
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Roster91
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
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Anyone want to buy a broken barometer?

No pressure

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/x_amxxn_x
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
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I went for a job interview the other day.

They asked, "Can you perform under pressure?"

I said, "No, but I can perform Bohemian Rhapsody."

πŸ‘︎ 117
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πŸ‘€︎ u/insideout97
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2020
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Why are Astronauts always so calm?

There's no pressure in space.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Radish00
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2020
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I got my wife with this one...

Me: While I was in the shower the water pressure wasn’t right, and I noticed the tubing on the handheld shower head is bent out of shape.

Wife: OK. Are you going to fix it?

Me: Eventually. But I have to confess something. I went ahead and used it this morning the way it is. Are you upset?

Wife: Upset? No. Why?

Me: Well, I think most wives would be pretty mad if they heard their husband had been taking a shower with some kinky hose.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zamundan
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2019
🚨︎ report
I was at the gas station recently...

...and I noticed that the tire pressure was low. Me: Can you hand me some quarters so I can pump up the tire? Wife: $.75 right? Me: No, it’s $1.00 Wife: Really?? Me: Yeah, that’s inflation for ya Wife: πŸ˜’

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BrOverBee
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad makes sure that ripe pears are separated from those that are not.

This way there's no pear pressure.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RandomGuyNumber1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
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Piggybacked on the captain's dad joke.

Family and I went on a fancy boat tour of a local rich lake. The captain provided a running narrative over the intercom about the history of the houses, etc.

Captain: You'll notice all the piers look the same on the lake. There's no law governing that, everyone just agrees they should use the same color and materials. Some might call that "pier pressure."

Crowd: (groans)

Me: I think we need to dock him some points for that one...

Wife: (groans and pretends not to know me)

πŸ‘︎ 170
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2015
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I just got my new job as a vacuum cleaner salesman. I asked my boss if I had any sales quota

And he said β€œno, we work in a negative pressure business”.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DarkofLight
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2018
🚨︎ report
Vital signs

I'm an EMT and I was doing paperwork. My partner walks up to me with the vitals of a patient. BP was done with an automated cuff. Me: What's the blood pressure? Him: 165/95 Me: That's odd, heart rate? Him: 77 Me: Odd, respirations? Him: 16, is that odd too? Me: No, that's even.

I found it hilarious.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2016
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Grandpa at the dinner table, Thanksgiving

So, Grandpa, you can't fly for a bit then? (He had eye surgery, can't fly due to changing pressure or something)

"Yeah, but mostly because I don't have wings"

No one else found it as funny as I did unfortunately

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/afrocolt
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2014
🚨︎ report
I was trying to order some parts for work......

I was ordering pressure gauges and sent all the specifications to my vendor. Three inch face, 0-100psi, 1/4" npt thread......what do you have in stock? He replied back with no 1/4". So I replied, yeah that is my favorite Zeppelin song, what about the gauge.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lucideye
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2015
🚨︎ report
Pressure

My girlfriend was talking about how she's looking forward to going away and just having some time to herself with no external pressure.

I told her she'd still have to deal with 1 bar.

She looked confused.

I added: "1 bar of pressure".

She looked distressed.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/captain_wiggles_
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2014
🚨︎ report
Got my fiancΓ©e and her teenage siblings over group chat

Me: "Hey, have you guys heard of that new rapping toast?"

Them: "No, who?"

Me: "He crumbles under pressure and calls himself Ludacrust."

Them: Collective groans.

FiancΓ©e: "You are way too proud of yourself."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zero_divide_1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2015
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Earthquakes

Talking to a friend about possibly moving to California and earthquakes became a topic of conversation.

Her: Watch out for earthquakes though. No pressure.

Her: Sorry, I just get a little shaken up thinking about it.

Me: Don’t worry it’s not your fault

Then she didn't reply for a while.

Me: Did I crack you up? Are these puns resonating with you? Or are they just causing a rift in our friendship?

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GK67
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2014
🚨︎ report
Anyone want to buy a broken barometer?

No pressure

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/daveh6475
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Anybody want to buy my broken barometer?

No pressure!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/samlewis8
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Anyone want to buy a broken barometer?

No pressure

πŸ‘︎ 180
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/16fghji
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2019
🚨︎ report
Anyone want to buy a broken barometer?

No pressure.

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/khanglikestowin
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Anyone wanna buy a broken barometer

No pressure.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShiiitDasCrazy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Does anyone want to buy a Barometer?

No pressure!

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PeevesPoltergist
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Would anyone like to buy my broken barometer?

No pressure.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tanglimara
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2018
🚨︎ report
Does anyone want to buy a broken barometer?

No pressure...

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dothepropellor
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2017
🚨︎ report
Does anyone want to buy a broken barometer?

No pressure...

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dothepropellor
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2017
🚨︎ report

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