Nice Time Puns

I say, "thanks, it's growing on me."

Man,these beds in IKEA are very comfortable!

I'm glad to have the no-vid kind teen.

It truly was a breath of fresh air.

It was in tents

It's nice out, I think I'll leave it out.

She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

It's very consistent

Someone crossed it.

Seems like a waist of money to me… but to each their own. 🤷‍♂️

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

He wanted space.

My roommate has started bringing his girlfriend over, and I want to start a fun thing where I have a new pun planned for each time she's around. So far my ideas include telling them to watch their step because there's a leak (leek) on the floor, taping a spice to me so thyme can be on my side, giving them a nice note (probably a lymeric) attached to a leaf so they can have some encourage-mint, and organizing peas on the table in the shape of earth's map to try to create world peas.

I'm open to any ideas, anything you can think of is greatly appreciated.

They're on air.

So I took them to the new grocery store that opened across town!!👍😎

Whoops wrong sub

Q: What’s a foots favorite sports event? A: The Shoe-perbowl

Q: What’s a lawyers favorite dessert? A: A sue-fflé (soufflé)

…are made up on the spot.

It was riveting

They said if I have a spill it’s my own asphalt.

The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors”

A Mathema-chicken!

A fizzician.

Got outside and she ran 100m in 9.72 seconds

Now my interest is waning.

I am a 28 year old male, and for as long as I can remember every time me and my dad move something, such as a chair, or a couch, or a coffee table, he said "alright I'll get the heavy end" and idk why I always just assumed he was being nice and getting the heavier side.

And it literally just occurred to me within the last few weeks when we picked something up, there's no heavy end. They're both the same weight 😭😭😭

Edit: I understand certain things have heavy ends, which is why I initially believed it. And then never questioned it any further.

Prism.

It’s a light sentence.

So I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them

... and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theater followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. 'You just happened to catch my eye.'

I just bought a TV that says "Built in Antenna" and I don't even know where that is.

Because 10+10 is twenty and 11+11 is twenty too..

Edit: thank you for awards, I have never gotten one before. I apologize that this is a repost, I did see it on TikTok and thought that it was cute and wanted to share. In the future I will check the sub for similar content before I post anything.

This is less a joke more of an anecdote.

My wife was looking for a box to store cookie cutters for her cookie business she's trying to start.

My 3yr old picks up a small box maybe a picture frame came in. I've stepped on and tripped on all week. It's slightly mangled and says to my wife:

Here's a box, and she says that one won't work it's too small.

He says: no it'll work. Look at the lid, it even shuts.

Then she said no it's too small.

And he says: it is red and it has this piece of paper, and it will shut.

Then he brings it to her before she can interject and says: here try it, you'll like it...

And by damn she made those cookie cutters fit... But that really nice lid won't shut because it's too small.

Is there a lemon law with 3 year olds?

(Note my 3 year old really talks like that, our 4 year old didn't but this kid has been talking full sentences since he was 18 months old.)

I can't tell you how many times he trolls me better than the best Reddit troll. I'm so proud. Lol

It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road.

Took a good year or two to make.

The barman says “Why the long place?”.

I told them how to fix it, and it started to make more cents

And then shook his arm really fast.

(True story, please groan with me.)

Nothing, it just waved

"Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder!"

It's tearable

Yup, just a Loki day.

What cheese do bomb disposal people like best?

Caerphilly.

Which cheese is best for hiding small horses?

Mascarpone.

Name the best cheese to wake up hibernating grizzlies

Camembert

Why did the lonely cheese eater put a mirror in his fridge?

So he could say hello me every time he opened it

Nice and cheesy does it.

Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant and have a little wine and good food.

She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

My daughter has two in-grown toe-nails, one on each foot. I was preparing some nice warm soaking water for her while my wife asked our daughter how her feet were doing and the conversation went like this:

Mom: How's your toe doing, you have two toes right?

Me/Daughter (at the exact same time): I have ten toes!

My wife gave the necessary groan and laughed, but my daughter and I shared a truly special moment. I was most proud.