I said I'll be coping.
Unbereavable...
He responded: "Why are you telling me?"
After discovering he'd been given a parking ticket, the giant exclaimed in disappointment as he approached his house. This startled a burglar inside, causing him to flee from the property but not before trapping his stubby digit in the door, causing him to leave blood at the scene. Thankfully, the giant's powerful nasal abilities allowed him to aid police as he was able to detected the exact nationality and gender of the robber in question. When interviewed, the giant simplified the story for us by saying,
"Fee, Fie, Foe, Thumb, I smell the blood of an English Man."
His other dog sat in the corner. It's a boxer.
...because all I can see is work, work, work, work, work...
She said, “Let’s sleep on it.”
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
He named it Michelle
She said she'd rather settle out of court.
How do you sell a deaf man a chicken?
Leans in close, takes a deep breath and screams at the top of his lungs:
WANNA BUY A CHICKEN?!?!?
The boy looks at his father’s ears but sees nothing. “Dad, there’s nothing there.”
“Yeah I know, they’re literal!”
It’s called Tailor Swift.
Can’t believe he let the cat out of the bag.
So I went to the drug store and bought him the best Axe Scent money can buy!
It's a shell company.
It's on the house!
She observes the other herbs with much interest and notes one herb stands out as the clear leader of the pack. She asks her only friend so far Marjoram who that is. Marjoram says: “In here, he’s kind of a big Dill.”
See you next year
It's a great place to do business!
...so today he called Jeff in the "Door Department" (his words, not mine) to find out what's up. Turns out, the doors were shipped and have been waiting at the local store for a week.
My dad, fighting back tears and a fit of laughter, says to the employee on the other end of the phone: "No worries, I'm sure you guys are busy this time of year; you probably were just in a bit of a jamb".
Everybody's dying to get in there.
My dad actually produced this one yesterday. Happy Sunday.
They are lack-toes intolerant
Allergies In Da House
I put it down before leaving the store, though. Wouldn't want to get into the habit of shoplifting.
I get stuck at work a lot.
Dad: "It'll grow on you"
And on the way back, my son and I tortillaed through three bags of family size Doritos.
We would have pointed fingers at one another, but they were already in our mouths. Sucky situation, I know.
I turned the car around and said, "Son, now our mission is snackfued."
Salty from our spell of bad luck, we licked our lips and hightailed it back to Walgreens. I sent a MSG to my wife to tell her about the crunch we were in.
Many of our guests had already arrived when we finally returned, holding up our carb-earned trophies.
It was then that my son's friend complimented our modest country estate: "Cool Ranch!"
She responded "No, it's called Eureka".
I replied "That's what I said, Myreka..."
She slapped my arm a couple of times, but it was worth it...
The prices floored me.
http://imgur.com/a/GPyVq
He asked me to keep the window upright on the ground so he could measure it. He slid the window open, crawled through it and said, "You don't understand the 'pane' I'm going through."
The next morning, Dad "Wow havent seen you since last year. Thought you were a gonner!"
It was dead.
Apparently people are just dying to get in.
