My Wife says to me this morning. Our new neighbor kisses his wife every day when he leaves for work, why don't you do that..?!!
..because I hardly know her.
I bought a new leaf blower the other day.
I didn’t really need one, but it was a stihl of a deal!
I’ve come up with a new word for when you remove your bra at the end of the day: Gravititty
Did you hear that the invisible man had a new job offer the other day? He turned it down!
Apparently, he couldn't see himself doing it...
Front page of the news the day after the book club banquet
One day is all I lasted as a Mailman. Turned up on time in my shiny new uniform, was a handed a letter and thought to myself..
Peter Parker got a new day job
One day I want to open an Italian restaurant in New York for amnesiacs
It'll be called 'Spageddaboutit'
The other day my friend asked me if I noticed anything new about him after his vasectomy.
From what I could tell, there wasn't any vas deferens.
if someone drinks the same tea every day with no interest in trying any new blends
I purchased a new kitchen sink and the delivery man never told me he left in on my doorstep. Sat there all day
Apple announced a new product for wives that helps cope with spontaneous dad jokes throughout their day.
The iRoll
Edit: thank you kind strangers for the awards! I told my wife we've struck gold and she immediately upgraded to the newest iRoll v2 software!!!
Anyone know any new Groundhogs Day jokes?
I keep hearing the same ones over and over and over again.
Recently moved to a new place and position for my job. Boss on the first day said "Hey Paul glad you made it, how you liking your new office?"
I said "I think you forgot my name, but I'm a Justin Well, thanks."
All this stress lately has me trying new things. For example, I've discovered that brake fluid is actually delicious. I'm up to a case a day, but there's no need to worry about me.
I went to the zoo the other day. One of the new exhibits was a piece of toast in a cage. I asked the zookeeper "what's that all about?" He said...
Day one: happy new year everyone
Is it just me or does last year feel like yesterday
Bought a new muzzle for my pet duck the other day.
Nothing fancy, but it fits the bill.
The other day I bought some new pants from France, but when I out them in they kept falling off.
Turns out, they were made in Toulouse.
Dad initiation joke... When my wife and son were discharged by the hospital after he was born, they said we have to get a pediatric appointment within the next few days. They said they usually fit new borns in.
I said, they absolutely have space- he’s only 20 inches and 6 lbs. [holding my hands up showing how small he is].
Tomorrow is either the dawn of a new day, or the day of an old don.
Day two: I have a fantastic New Years resolution
A good title for a conservative news article a couple days ago when Trump declared “Stop the count!” after Biden started making gains but Trump still could’ve shocked the world would’ve been...
“Trump’s Not Down For the Count”
I was redoing the fence the other day, pulling all the 4x4s out and putting new ones in...
Sorry, just realized this was a repost.
I got pizza for everyone the day I started my new job as manager...
It was my first order of business
Frank: ...girl dies in a tragic blimp accident over the Orange Bowl on New Year's Day.
Jane Spencer:
Goodyear?
Frank:
No, the worst.
(Courtesy of Naked Gun)
Did you hear about the viagara truck hijacked in New York the other day?
The police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals
My friend bought a new door bell the other day, I asked what’s it called.
A friend of mine always carries around a scale with him no matter where he goes. Anytime he meets a new person named William he throws them right on the scale. So one day I finally asked, "why do you keep doing this?" He replied.
"because where there's a Will there's a weigh."
Hey sweetie I want a new knife for fathers day. I'd use this one..
Remember the good old days, before the pandemic? It used to be you could meet new people, maybe even fall in love and get married.
Now I’m just dating myself
Did you hear what the New York Times editor-in-chief said on their last day?
"Start spreading the news, I'm leaving today."
When I came home from my first day at my new job my wife asked me what my new schedule was like. I said it looks like Rihanna...
...because all I can see is work, work, work, work, work...
Whenever I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments of my high school days come flooding back to me.
I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine…
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.
“Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope.”
The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.
“Son I’m changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes.”
The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He’s cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again.
“Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters.”
The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes.
“Hey there,” says the recruit. “is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven’t kept one position for more than 15 minutes!”
The crewman says “Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts.”
I was in the Apple store the other day and the sales assistant Robert, approached me and asked would I like to try the new iPhone. Not interested, I turned and said:
What does the sun say to the earth every New Year's Day?
There was this news reporter who enjoyed incorporating puns into their reports. One day, they had to cover the story of a mass stabbing. Unfortunately, the reporter couldn't think of a pun so they just sighed and went on to report the news how it was...
"Sorry, no pun n' ten dead"
Why do news editors love watching Happy Days?
They’re big fans of the fonts.
So I just had my first day at my new job at Subway... My boss told me they've never seen someone as bad as me...
I got a call at work the other day from a doctor at the hospital. He says "I have some bad news... It looks like your wife has been hit by a bus."
I said "But she has a great personality."
Today is Boxing Day in the UK, Canada, New Zealand, and Australia. Do you know when Boxing Day is celebrated in the United States?
I got some new pants the other day, but it turns out they’re cheap hotel pants.
So I bought some new shoes from a drug dealer yesterday. I don’t know what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day
My dad said he wanted a new pair of wire strippers for Father’s Day.
When I asked what happened to the old ones he said “ they decided it was time to go to wire college”
News: ‘Boy George’s reptile bites 5 people in one day.’
He needs a calmer chameleon
A new Navy recruit has his first day on a submarine.... (apologies to u/buddybd)
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.
"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."
The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.
"Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes."
The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again.
"Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters."
The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes.
"Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!"
The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."
Got home from my new job at the morgue. Wife asked how my first day was.
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