What do you call it when a New Jersey resident has moved too many boxes in a day?
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︎ Feb 04 2023
I went in for my first day of a new job...
I played tennis in the morning before going in, I didn't change or anything, left the silly half hat and the entire outfit on. Showed up and introduced myself by saying "nice to meet you all, I'm Dan, your new super visor."
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︎ Dec 27 2022
My New Years resolution was to eat 1200 calories a day. Iโve been doing so great!
Iโve surpassed my goal every day so far!
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︎ Apr 19 2022
Yesterday, for Valentine's Day, I got my girlfriend some new beads for her abacus ๐งฎ...
It's the little things that count.
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︎ Feb 15 2022
Everyone hates one-uppers. Your day was hard, their day was harder. You got a new job, their job is better. You have 5 bands, they have 6. You went to Tennessee,
They went to elevennessee
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︎ Apr 23 2022
Itโs a proud day. After mounting the TV for my new step daughter, I got off the ladder, waved dramatically, and said this is my step ladder.
I never met my real ladder.
She rolled her eyes and said thatโs so bad. But I could her and her mom laughing as I went to put the ladder away.
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︎ Jun 04 2022
I just started a new job as a teller at the bank, I got fired on the first day...
A lady came to check her balance, so I pushed her and knocked her over. ยฏ_(ใ )_/ยฏ
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︎ Aug 07 2022
My Wife says to me this morning. Our new neighbor kisses his wife every day when he leaves for work. Why don't you do that..!?
Because I hardly know her..I said.
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︎ Aug 08 2022
I moved into a new apartment but my first day there I got into a huge fight with the landlord and ended up in jail
The bastard kept demanding first and last month's rent and I kept telling him I wasn't here last month
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︎ Feb 18 2022
I was convinced the other day I'd thought of a brand new colour...
Turns out it was just a pigment of my imagination.
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︎ Mar 26 2022
I created a new recipe the other day. Crackers with french fries on top, doused in gravy.
I call it "Poutine on the Ritz"
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︎ Jun 26 2022
If just tried the new Whiskey only diet, 2 bottles a day, it really works...
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︎ Jun 24 2022
Sally and Joann are talking one day. Joann says that she put her husband on a diet, but that Thursday nights could be cheat nights. She brings home a bucket of KFC, and her husband brings home that new secretary at his office.
Hospital visitation hours are 6 PM to 7 PM.
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︎ May 23 2022
Today is the only day in my new grandsonโs life that he canโt say โI wasnโt born yesterday โ.
Because he was. We are stoked btw
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︎ Jan 20 2022
I installed a new roof the other day. Nobody really noticed, butโฆ
My dog wonโt shut up about it!
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︎ May 11 2022
I went to the gym the other day and saw a new machine there.
So, I asked the instructor, "What does this machine do?"
The instructor stared at me, looked at the machine and then looked back at me. He said, "Sir, that's a bench."
I replied, "Perfect."
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︎ Apr 19 2022
For my New Years resolution, I swore I would be healthier. Stop going to eating burgers every day and go to an MMA gym instead.
I really wanna kick The Habit
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︎ Apr 07 2022
A medieval scribe walks up to the new scribe on his first day at the job...
He says, "Please, make yourself a tome."
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︎ Oct 24 2021
Starting a new diet, the 14-day diet!
Not going to brag, but I did it all in one sitting!
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︎ Oct 21 2021
Iโve come up with a new word for when you remove your bra at the end of the day: Gravititty
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︎ Jun 12 2021
I bought a new leaf blower the other day.
I didnโt really need one, but it was a stihl of a deal!
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︎ Jun 17 2021
Anyone know any new Groundhogs Day jokes?
I keep hearing the same ones over and over and over again.
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︎ Feb 02 2021
Did you hear that the invisible man had a new job offer the other day? He turned it down!
Apparently, he couldn't see himself doing it...
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︎ Jun 30 2021
I purchased a new kitchen sink and the delivery man never told me he left in on my doorstep. Sat there all day
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︎ Mar 04 2021
if someone drinks the same tea every day with no interest in trying any new blends
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︎ Mar 21 2021
Peter Parker got a new day job
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︎ Jul 03 2021
One day I want to open an Italian restaurant in New York for amnesiacs
It'll be called 'Spageddaboutit'
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︎ Jun 22 2021
I got pizza for everyone the day I started my new job as manager...
It was my first order of business
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︎ Jun 28 2020
All this stress lately has me trying new things. For example, I've discovered that brake fluid is actually delicious. I'm up to a case a day, but there's no need to worry about me.
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︎ Jan 18 2021
Bought a new muzzle for my pet duck the other day.
Nothing fancy, but it fits the bill.
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︎ Nov 10 2020
Tomorrow is either the dawn of a new day, or the day of an old don.
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︎ Nov 02 2020
I was redoing the fence the other day, pulling all the 4x4s out and putting new ones in...
Sorry, just realized this was a repost.
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︎ Sep 26 2020
Day one: happy new year everyone
Is it just me or does last year feel like yesterday
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︎ Jan 01 2021
Frank: ...girl dies in a tragic blimp accident over the Orange Bowl on New Year's Day.
Jane Spencer:
Goodyear?
Frank:
No, the worst.
(Courtesy of Naked Gun)
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︎ Sep 18 2020
A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarineโฆ
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.
โGo stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope.โ
The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.
โSon Iโm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes.โ
The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. Heโs cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again.
โListen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters.โ
The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes.
โHey there,โ says the recruit. โis it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I havenโt kept one position for more than 15 minutes!โ
The crewman says โOh yeah- this sub is full of reposts.โ
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︎ Apr 15 2019
The other day my friend asked me if I noticed anything new about him after his vasectomy.
From what I could tell, there wasn't any vas deferens.
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︎ May 05 2021
I went to the zoo the other day. One of the new exhibits was a piece of toast in a cage. I asked the zookeeper "what's that all about?" He said...
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︎ Feb 27 2021
My friend bought a new door bell the other day, I asked whatโs it called.
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︎ Jul 07 2020
Recently moved to a new place and position for my job. Boss on the first day said "Hey Paul glad you made it, how you liking your new office?"
I said "I think you forgot my name, but I'm a Justin Well, thanks."
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︎ Mar 19 2021
Did you hear about the viagara truck hijacked in New York the other day?
The police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals
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︎ Aug 25 2020
Day two: I have a fantastic New Years resolution
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︎ Jan 02 2021
I was in the Apple store the other day and the sales assistant Robert, approached me and asked would I like to try the new iPhone. Not interested, I turned and said:
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︎ Dec 05 2019
I found a new bakery today, but they only sell 11 loaves a day.
It's called A Leaven Bread.
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︎ Dec 12 2016
Hey sweetie I want a new knife for fathers day. I'd use this one..
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︎ Sep 29 2020
My wife says to me this morning. Our new neighbor kisses his wife every day when he leaves for work, why don't you do that !
I replied..because I hardly know her.
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︎ Jul 14 2022
My Wife says to me this morning. Our new neighbor kisses his wife every day when he leaves for work, why don't you do that..?!!
..because I hardly know her.
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︎ Aug 27 2021
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