My wife said, βWhy donβt you write a book instead of your stupid word play jokes?β
I said, βThatβs.....a novel idea.β
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︎ Jul 26 2020
I asked my wife to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I also...
...had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...
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︎ May 14 2020
When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word.
I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French
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︎ Jul 08 2020
Mom, now you're putting words into my mouth
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︎ Aug 03 2020
Before he passed away, my grandfather said, βHere are three words that would help open a lot of doors for you.β
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︎ May 11 2020
My wife sometimes has trouble thinking of the right word for things. This morning, she asked me "what's it called when you have no bars?" Without missing a beat, I told her...
"Prohibition." She wasn't as amused as I was, I'm afraid.
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︎ Aug 01 2020
I'll never forget my old man's last words before he kicked the bucket:
"Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
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︎ Jul 03 2020
I remember the last words my grandfather ever said to me. He said βYou selfish boy!β
Not long after that, I became a fishmonger.
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︎ Jul 31 2020
My 5 y.o. son walked up to me with his under armour shirt on backwards so the words were on the back.
He said, βI got back words!β How did I not see that one coming?
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︎ Jul 11 2020
I was watching Netflix and eating nachos the other day, when this word came into my mind...
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︎ Jul 04 2020
I live near an atomic shelter and in my encounters with it, it never lied and always kept its word
Now that's what I call structural integrity
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︎ Jun 18 2020
I like to use the word mucho around my Spanish friends....
because I know it means a lot to them
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︎ Jun 19 2020
My wife said to me "you didn't hear a word I said did you?"
I thought to myself. That's a funny way to start a conversation.
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︎ Apr 03 2020
One of my favourite words in the English language is βfrequentlyβ.
I try to use it as often as possible.
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︎ May 23 2020
Take my Word
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︎ Nov 30 2019
My daughter said the "S" Word today.
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︎ May 13 2020
Words I've invented during my lifetime:
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︎ Jun 18 2020
I taught my daughter what the word bargain meant...
She said, βThanks dad, that means a great deal.β
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︎ Apr 30 2020
My grandfatherβs last words were βPints! Litres! Gallons!β
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︎ Apr 27 2020
My husband walked into the proctologists office, and I knew then that the doctor must have a child as well when I heard the words from the other side of the door,
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︎ Jun 09 2020
First word of my 1-year old son was "Peanuts!"
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︎ Jun 01 2020
A man in an interrogation room says, βIβm not saying a word without my lawyer present!" The cop growls, "You ARE the lawyer!"
The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So whereβs my present?!"
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︎ Apr 26 2020
Among all the words in the English language, βsubcutaneousβ is my least favourite.
It really gets under my skin.
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︎ May 05 2020
My friend said he couldn't play with us because he had to write a "600 words reflection" so I did one for him
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︎ May 08 2020
I just got word my ex wife was rushed to the ER and tested positive for COVID-19!
So I guess she wasnβt sick of me?
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︎ Apr 23 2020
My daughter screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?"
What a strange way to start a conversation with me...
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︎ Aug 17 2019
I thought of a good word to describe my hands yesterday.
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︎ Apr 29 2020
I'll never forget my dad's last words...
Are you sure it's loaded with blanks?
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︎ Apr 14 2020
Iβm a man of my word
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︎ Apr 20 2020
I've been getting into a lot of trouble at school recently, so my dad asked to have a word in private
He turned to me and said, "Parwiovradte."
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︎ Apr 23 2020
As the man of the house, I always have the last word when my wife and I disagree about what to do.
Usually it's something like "yes dear."
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︎ Apr 11 2020
I asked my French friend if he knew what the word "pipi" translated to in English...
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︎ Mar 17 2020
My child keeps saying small groups of words together
Should I be worried, or is it just a phrase?
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︎ Jan 05 2020
My favourite word is "Drool"
It sort of rolls off the tongue
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︎ May 06 2019
My safe word is βbananaβ.
Afterward, I say, βOrange you glad I didnβt say banana?β.
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︎ Feb 26 2020
My father asked me if he could have a word.
So I took out my dictionary and asked: βsure, which one do you want?β
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︎ Feb 26 2020
My father-in-law (who's last name is Word) after a week of travel: Are you getting sick of the Word "family"?
Me: That's an odd word to get sick of.
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︎ Dec 24 2019
My Dad: I've made a new word today
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︎ Feb 03 2020
My scrabble tray held the letters to make the word "STRIDES"
I have to be careful playing them though, or it could spell disaster.
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︎ Dec 17 2019
My dumbass son thinks thereβs the letter F is in the word βwayβ
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︎ Dec 08 2018
I taught my four year old son how to use the word abundance in a sentence.
He said "thanks Dad, that really means a lot".
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︎ Sep 16 2018
So I was singing All Star in the car the other day, and my friend asked βHow do you know all the wordsβ so I swiftly replied:
βSomebody once told meβ
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︎ Feb 04 2019
I heard my son say his first words to me today...
Where have you been for the last 20 years?
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︎ Oct 13 2019
My wife keeps misusing the word "Mansplaining".
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︎ Jan 15 2020
Diarrhea is my favorite word to play in Scrabble.
That's because it's worth a shit load of points.
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︎ Dec 05 2019
Last night, I explained to my son what the word βbargainβ means.
I think it meant a great deal to him.
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︎ May 12 2019
My mother told me that my father couldn't remember the word for ninja stars.
"Sure he can" I told her.
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︎ Apr 29 2019
My cat, JOJO, fighting Dio (circa, 1886). Tis a purrfect parody. Anime: Jojoβs bizarre adventures. Pun Clarification: Hamon is a fighting energy in the anime, you can see that the pun was replacing the word Salmon.
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︎ Aug 22 2019
I thought my 3 year old son spelled his first cuss word today.
"F-U-C-K, I'll scream ahhhhh!"
"What was that, son?"
"If you see K-ocodile (crocodile), scream, 'AHHHHH!'"
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︎ Oct 16 2019
Recently I have been trying to use the word "mucho" as much as I can while talking to my hispanic friends.
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︎ Oct 28 2019
My dad was a policeman of few words. When he guarded an ancient Egyptian Christian burial chamber he was...
A cryptic cop in a Coptic crypt.
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︎ Sep 15 2019
I've really enjoyed the past year here and have gotten some great material for my repertoire that never ceases to amaze the wife and kids, but I think it's time I had a short word with you all
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︎ Oct 14 2019
Whenever I see a school bus, I think about my uncles last words...
βOH MY GOD, A BUS!!!!!β
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︎ Aug 30 2019
My daughter yelled at me, βDAAAAAAAD! You havenβt been listening to a word Iβve said, have you?β
What a strange way to start a conversation
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︎ Apr 20 2019
The other day my knee left without saying a word
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︎ Aug 17 2019
Ill never forget my grandfathers last words before he died.
"Stop shaking the ladder you little shit."
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︎ Nov 19 2018
My son saw a sign that said 'please keep children under supervision' and asked "dad, have you got super vision?". I never thought of the word 'supervision' that way before.
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︎ Sep 01 2018
With Fatherβs Day right around the corner I wanted to share with you my beloved dadβs last words:
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︎ Jun 14 2019
My Great Uncle's Final Words
My great uncle just passed on Sunday. The family had known for a few days it was near the end. His family gathered around him on his death bed, with some flying in from other states to say their goodbyes.
"Dad," says his daughter, "[Grandson] flew in from San Francisco just to see you."
My great uncle woke up for moment and said, "Boy, his arms must be tired."
Those were his last words.
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︎ Dec 20 2018
Bet my kid $5 I could say any word backwards.
She said I couldn't, so I did.
"any word backwards, now where's my money?"
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︎ Jun 19 2019
To the guy who stole my copy of Microsoft Word. I will find you...
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︎ Feb 07 2019
Today, my son learned about square roots. I was so shocked that I could only say one word:
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︎ May 27 2019
My friend trained his parrot to say only dirty words and phrases...
He has a fowl little mind
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︎ May 21 2019
My dad just told me the German word for bra.
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︎ Apr 18 2019
Boy, my wife. I can barely get a word in edgewise. Yesterday I said to her, βIβm sorry...
...did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?β
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︎ Jun 24 2019
I heard my young son say a really big word and it surprised me.
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︎ May 11 2019
I'll never forget the last words my grandpa said to me before he kicked the bucket..
He said, "Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
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︎ May 06 2020
I taught my daughter the word many
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︎ Apr 28 2020
When I was a kid, my parents would always say, βExcuse my Frenchβ after a swear word...
Iβll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French...
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︎ Jul 14 2019
My daughter screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?"
What a strange way to start a conversation with me...
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︎ Mar 05 2020
My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!"
What a weird way to start a conversation..
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︎ May 26 2019
A man in an interrogation room says, βIβm not saying a word without my lawyer present!" The cop growls, "You ARE the lawyer!"
The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So whereβs my present?!"
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︎ Jun 09 2019
My wife screamed "Honey! Have you listened to one word I've said?!?"
I though, what a weird way to start a conversation.
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︎ Mar 09 2020
On his deathbed, my grandfather said, βRemember these two words. Itβll open a lot of doors for you in life.β
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︎ Mar 23 2019
Iβll never forget my dads last words before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said
βSonβ... βhow far do you think I can kick this bucket?β
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︎ Feb 19 2020
Iβm not saying a word without my lawyer present
- Sir you are the lawyer...
- Then whereβs my present??
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︎ Jan 09 2020
On his deathbed, my grandfather said, βRemember these two words. Itβll open a lot of doors for you in life.β
βPushβ and βPullβ.
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︎ Feb 17 2020
My wife just told me, βWhy donβt you write a book instead of your stupid word play jokes?β
I said, βThatβs ...... a novel idea.β
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︎ Jul 28 2019
My daughter to me. "Daaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you?"
Me: "What a strange way to start a conversation with me."
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︎ Oct 21 2019
Me: I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present. Cop: You ARE the lawyer.
Lawyer: So where's my present?
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︎ Oct 13 2019
My dad invented a new word today.
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︎ Jul 30 2019
My daughter screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?"
What a strange way to start a conversation with me...
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︎ Oct 27 2017
My grandfatherβs last words were, βGallons. Quarts. Litres.β
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︎ Apr 06 2019
My daughter screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" What a strange way to start a conversation with me...
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︎ Oct 08 2019
My wife screamed: "You haven't listened to a single word I've said have you?"
What a weird way to start a conversation!
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︎ May 28 2019
My daughter screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" What a strange way to start a conversation with me...
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︎ Mar 18 2019
I will always remember the words my grandpa said right before he kicked the bucket.
"I wonder how far I can kick this bucket?"
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︎ Mar 02 2019
βMy daughter screeched, βDaaaaaad, you havenβt listened to one word Iβve said, have you!?β
What a strange way to start a conversation with me.β
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︎ Jun 30 2019
On his deathbed, my grandfather said, βRemember these two words. It will open a lot of doors for you in life.β
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︎ Jun 14 2019
My daughter screeched, βdad, you havenβt listed to one word Iβve said, have you!?β What a strange way to start a conversation with me...
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︎ Jun 02 2019
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!
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︎ Mar 24 2019
I'll never forget the last words my grandpa said to me before he kicked the bucket.
He said, son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket.
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︎ Jun 04 2018
Iβll never forget my grandpaβs last words before he kicked the bucket.
He said, βI wonder how far I can kick this bucket?β
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︎ Feb 28 2019
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