My Wife Puns

I don't listen - and something else.

We have to....She doesn't have one.

I saw it coming from a kilometer away.

I said, “Where did that come from?”

Edit: Thanks for the love. I’m right speechless.

I told her she would roux the day.

Just not the ones she been giving me lately.

Thanks for the silver ❤️

I had to get a running start but I made it!

I honestly didn’t even know she sold flowers

She is infringing on my right to bear arms.

She still isn't talking to me

She hasn't noticed, but the thyme is cumin.

I had to put my foot down.

A tiny part of me says yes.

...don’t you mean “pair o’ medics”?

Doctors are calling it stalk home syndrome.

Edit: You folks are way too generous. Thanks a lot.

I looked her in the eyes and replied "no honey, they're dead."

I responded that nudists are defined by their lack of jeans

Edit: there->their

Edit 2: Awards? Wow! I'd like to thank the Academy, the community, my wife, and the man who made this post possible, my father in law!

The police are treating it as a hummuside

She got mad and said she's never playing scrabble with me again

I’d hate for anything to happen to the dog.

She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.

I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”

She was shocked.

I said, “Yes, but I was part of the control group.”

no matter what he's still arson

I personally am on the fence

She's over the moon.

We named him Carson.

So I called her Bluff...

But I have no idea how to tell if a lemon is in a relationship or not

So I've been wanting to sell my motorcycle for a while but haven't gotten around to it.

While in the car this morning I saw a sign for a local shop that read "We buy used motorcycles." I pointed it out to her and she replies with, "if that's not a sign, I don't know what is."

I was so proud.

I answered "probably in a remote location."

The mid wife told me not to worry, they were only contractions

So, I've taken the hint...

I got her a magazine rack!

I feel like my marriage is at steak

I watched it all unfold.

I turn to her and say “I bet he don’t have the guts to do that again”

Edit: holy shit y’all this blew up. Thank you master dads. I feel worthy

But her aim is getting better!

"Honey, it’s the little things that count!"

I always have trouble with emotional attachments.

'OK,' I said, 'Alpaca my bags.'

I guess she doesn't like gas lighting.

It was Rome-antique.

So I packed up my stuff and right.

I had to put my foot down

So I had to put my foot down.

So I packed up my stuff and right!

I had to put my foot down.