I spent my entire life savings on pasta.
It was worth every penne.
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Apr 17 2021
My wife has been taking a course in advanced electrics and it's taken over her life. Everything she says these days concerns resistors, transformers, circuitry, voltage, ampage etc. All fucking day long, I've tried explaining to her it's driving a wedge between us, but she won't listen to reason.
She just buries her head in the sand like an off switch.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Mar 18 2021
My friend Earl has a wife that is a bit obsessive about finding the total number of things in her everyday life...
π︎ 3
π
︎ Apr 14 2021
My stressed out Mexican friend is moving to a place where one can live a life of ease on 100 centavos a day...
He needs a change of peso.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Mar 22 2021
Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant, a lot in my life has changed....
Like, my name, phone number, and address
π︎ 11
π
︎ Mar 17 2021
Only two things make me forget about all the shit that's going on with my life. Comedy and......
π︎ 7
π
︎ Mar 01 2021
My uncle always talks about his disappointing sex life...
It always end in an Auntie climax.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Feb 21 2021
Archeologists will be digging for a lost village near my home. I hope they find some signs of life.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Feb 18 2021
My dad, who can not cook to save his life, after failing to boil eggs:
To my mom: hey honey, are these hardboiled eggs? There more like hard-to-boil eggs. Hahaha
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jan 26 2021
Before I met my wife my love life was hot like the Sahara desert.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Feb 07 2021
I have never actually used a professional telescope in my life.
Itβs something Iβm thinking of looking into.
π︎ 22
π
︎ Dec 29 2020
I didn't think a vasectomy would change my life that much...
π︎ 8
π
︎ Dec 05 2020
I just heard an announcement on a loud speaker outside my home saying, "If you invest 50$ just once, you can sit and eat for the rest of your life".
I went out and saw the idiot; he was selling chairs.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Feb 09 2021
I just found out that my friend lives a secret life as a priest.
π︎ 22
π
︎ Dec 27 2020
I still dream about the time in my life when I used to sniff glue. It was many years ago now.
But that sort of thing stick in your mind.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Dec 28 2020
I was recently burgled. They took my life preserver, my AED and my portable oxygen tank.
It was my entire life savings,
π︎ 754
π
︎ Aug 17 2020
My kid wanted to play 2d life.
So I installed 4 installs of half-life.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 05 2021
My ex made my life like a fairy tale.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Nov 02 2020
The light of my life, a future dad:
π︎ 18
π
︎ Oct 30 2020
I placed a pushpin at a corner, and my life started getting so much better!
I guess that was a real turning point for me
π︎ 8
π
︎ Dec 10 2020
My Aunt Penny keeps coming back to life after her cremation
I guess itβs true... a penny urned is a penny saved.
π︎ 20
π
︎ Oct 19 2020
I cricked my neck a few weeks ago and itβs changed my life forever.
I havenβt looked back since
π︎ 29
π
︎ Sep 29 2020
I asked my North Korean friend how life is in North Korea
He said "I can't complain"
π︎ 79
π
︎ Oct 13 2020
A guy offered to document my life in Microsoft Excel, but I said no.
I donβt want him to spreadsheet about me.
π︎ 34
π
︎ Sep 04 2020
I have been pushing the envelope all my life
But it still remains stationery.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Nov 14 2020
The saddest activity in my life is crushing my Coke cans.
π︎ 53
π
︎ Aug 30 2020
My sister said I looked like a German composer and musician of the Baroque period, especially when wearing my powdered wig... So I changed everything and it changed my life!
I haven't looked Bach since!
π︎ 5
π
︎ Sep 29 2020
My dad was once playing the Game Of Life.
But strangely, he kept a dictionary as the only other player. I asked him what he was doing.
He said, βSon, in this game of life, you just need to play with words to make a good dad-joke!β
π︎ 4
π
︎ Oct 30 2020
My friend joined a cult who believe that weβll all turn to water and be evaporated into a bigger life force...
I said... youβll be mist...
π︎ 59
π
︎ Aug 23 2020
My rooster is an artist. He draws on plates and I add arms and numbers, but for the life of me I canβt tell if heβs drawing snakes, mountains, teepeeβs, etc., so I finally asked him and he said:
π︎ 5
π
︎ Aug 26 2020
At one point in my life I wanted to become a plumber
π︎ 25
π
︎ Jul 31 2020
All my life I thought air was free...
and then I bought a bag of chips
π︎ 21
π
︎ Aug 20 2020
Iβve decided to tell my kids that I want to live my life as a woman
Itβs better to be honest, I just want to be transparent
π︎ 22
π
︎ Jul 05 2020
On his deathbed, my grandfather said, βRemember these two words. Itβll open a lot of doors for you in life.β
π︎ 15k
π
︎ Mar 23 2019
My girlfriend told me, βI donβt think Iβve ever seen you sweep or mop in my life.β
I said, βFloors are beneath me.β
π︎ 73
π
︎ Jun 15 2020
My son: Dad, what's the hardest thing you've ever done in your life?
Me: I poured some concrete once.
Son: Was that really hard?
Me: It is now.
(This took place at lunch earlier today. Was followed by groans all around.)
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Dec 30 2019
I have fantasised about installing irrigation my whole life
But it's just a pipe dream
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jul 28 2020
Somebody asked me to describe my life as an amputee, but I couldn't answer.
π︎ 67
π
︎ Apr 12 2020
My life peaked when I finally climbed Mt. Everest
But it's all been downhill from there.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Aug 25 2020
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over... now Iβm
Sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Sep 05 2020
I had a very good math teacher. He was an integral part of my life. It doesnβt add up that I canβt remember who he was.
He is a real Mister Riemann.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jul 26 2020
I have never owned or used a telescope in my life.
Itβs something Iβm thinking of looking into.
π︎ 179
π
︎ Oct 14 2020
I just found out that my friend has a secret life as a priest.
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Feb 08 2020
I have never owned a telescope in my life.
But itβs something Iβm thinking of looking into.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Aug 30 2020
Ive never owned a telescope in my life.
Itβs something Iβm thinking of looking into.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Jul 25 2020
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