My complete jerk of a brother is a Karate expert, a Chef and a Lawyer!

Dad calls him "Chop Suey."

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PotBuzz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
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To the jerk who stole my anti-depressants today.

I hope you're happy.

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dreamincolr
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2019
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Some jerk jacked up my car today

Can't believe how rude my mechanic was

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/toethumbs8
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2017
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My dad said jerking off will make you go blind.

Hey dad, why are you telling that mannequin not to jerk off?

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gointobeathell
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
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A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on the lap.

He’s telling a dumb blonde joke when a young platinum haired beauty jumps to feet, β€œwhat gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?”she demands. β€œWhat does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?”

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer an apology

β€œYou keep out of this! She yells, β€œI’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
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So my wife and I were sleeping...

And we have 2 jerk wad cats that get the zoomies nightly at around 3 am. They started chasing each other upstairs above our bedroom...

My wife: omg is there an elephant upstairs?

Me: shhhhhh....we dont talk about him.

Then I got hit with a pillow.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alastrel3000
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
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Toothpaste.

So my dad was going through his normal morning ritual, when he screamed "GODDAMMIT" from the bathroom. He walked out a few minutes later, looking sad.

Me: "What was the yelling about?"

Dad: "I dropped my toothpaste."

Me: "That made you upset?"

Dad: "No, ZTheJerk. Upset doesn't cover it. I'm absolutely crestfallen."

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZTheJerk
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2014
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Need help finding a skin related team name.

Hi my school is having a competition related to skin. My teammates and I are looking for a clever skin related term. Reddit's the holy grail of puns so I figured I could find something here. It dirty or clean it doesn't matter there are no rules. EDIT: We had the competition today, and as I replied down lower my team wanted the name, "Myoclonic Jerks." Wasn't skin related, but they liked it.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShonkaMan
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2014
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My twin brother at my mom's aunt's funeral

A few months ago, my mothers aunt had died so we went to her funeral. Before the funeral mass had started, my mom told my brother and me to go up and say hello to Aunt Beth (the woman who had died). A few minutes later, my mom comes up and asks both of us "Did you go up to Aunt Beth and say hi" to which my brother replied "Yeah, but she was a real jerk. She just laid there and didn't say anything"

πŸ‘︎ 196
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DickButtButt
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2014
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Beta Apps

Frustrated that I refused to turn on automatic updates because they constantly​ update, my husband, giving me crap, summed up his teasing by replying "Well, stop downloading beta apps, then."

Me: "I think you beta app-ologize for being such a jerk right now."

I'll let myself out.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Grumpstick
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2017
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I Woke Up Suddenly In The Night

Wife: "Are you okay?!"

Me: "Yeah, why?"

Wife: "You woke up with a big jerk!"

Me: "Nah, you're pretty awesome."

I went to sleep with a huge grin on my face.

πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JMFargo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2015
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Whenever my Dad and I go out to eat.

It isn't exactly a joke, it's more of a jerk move that just happens to be funny, but whenever my Dad and I go out to eat, (or whenever we're eating really), he'll always take a bite from my plate saying that he is making sure it isn't poisoned, and if he likes it, he has to take a second sample to make sure. When I was a kid he would do it all the time and I would get so upset, and now I do it to my little brother whenever I take him out to eat, and it makes him so miffed.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nozaku
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2014
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Yesterday one of my friends and I went to guitar center

and we found a Schecter C1 with a natural wood finish and spent like an hour playing it, despite being in the middle of a room packed full of exotic guitars. I own a Schecter bass and through playing a few different models I have come to the conclusion that Schecter is the Valve of guitar manufacturers, but I'm not here to wax poetic about Schecters, I can do that on my own time.

Anyway, we went home afterwards and he posted a status on Facebook about it, which included the line

> ...and in a room full of hyperexotics, spent an hour metaphorically jerking off to a Schecter C1.

I replied with

>>metaphorically

and he came back with

>They don't call it a wood finish for nothin'.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/teuast
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2014
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Heading in for an appointment...

If you've ever been to a hospital that has valet service, you know that they can sometimes drive like jerks.

So my dad and I were driving up the parking ramp to our parking space for an appointment (valet service is optional at this hospital), and one of the valet drivers was riding our ass the whole way. I said, "Damn, this guy in the Lincoln needs to slow down." My dad responded, "The valets here all drive like jerks." As we reached the parking spot the guy pretty much blew past. So then I chimed in with "You'd think people at a hospital would be more patient." And my dad just replied with a groan and a "gee whiz."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WaffleBrothel
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2014
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Nipples

Just got my wife with this...

Wife while feeding infant son: Can you grab a nipple for this bottle? It doesn't have one.

Me: You have one.

Wife: I asked if you... You jerk.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/unclerudy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2014
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