The mayor in my city just passed law that male best friends have to have lunch together at least once a week
Well itβs not a law itβs a mandate
π︎ 14k
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︎ Nov 20 2020
Pulled this off on my friend Lmao
π︎ 5k
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︎ Oct 29 2020
My friend said, βMy kid refuses to eat fish. What do you think is a good replacement?β
Me: Cats. Cats love fish.
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︎ Dec 16 2020
Get it. guys... ( none of my friends laughing)
π︎ 5k
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︎ Oct 16 2020
Itβs a sad day but my kitchenaid mixer motor has finally died. I couldnβt whisk for a batter friend.
π︎ 48
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︎ Dec 07 2020
My friend said that he couldn't afford to pay his huge water bill....
So, I sent him a 'Get Well Soon' card.
π︎ 1k
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︎ Nov 11 2020
My neighbour and I became good friends, so we decided to share our water supply.
π︎ 82
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︎ Dec 14 2020
My friend Joe went on the Dolly Parton diet.
It really made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean...
π︎ 53
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︎ Dec 11 2020
My friend told me, βYour wife and daughter look like twins!β
I said, βWell, they were separated at birth.β
π︎ 23k
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︎ Aug 23 2020
The only people to show up to my friendβs funeral were some of his one night stands and some friends from church.
π︎ 661
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︎ Nov 18 2020
My friend worked at the zoo to circumcise elephants, the pay was bad but...
π︎ 11k
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︎ Sep 06 2020
My friend accused me of stealing his thesaurus.
Not only was I shocked, I was appalled, distraught, surprised, and taken aback.
π︎ 49
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︎ Dec 08 2020
My friend got fired at the fizzy drinks factory today.
π︎ 25
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︎ Dec 06 2020
When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
π︎ 48
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︎ Dec 08 2020
10 years ago I married my best friend
Our wives are still mad about it but we were drunk and thought it was funny
π︎ 29
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︎ Dec 13 2020
My friend was shot clean through his skull but survived.
I canβt imagine what was going through his mind at the time.
π︎ 73
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︎ Nov 19 2020
I'm trying to convince my friend that being a fraudster isn't for him. I went over to his house the other day and he was putting canned meat in envelopes.
Apparently he was sending a bunch of Spam Mail.
π︎ 9
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︎ Dec 16 2020
My friend told me I did a terrible Elvis impression
I replied "Thank you, thank you very much."
π︎ 12
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︎ Dec 14 2020
Me and my friends are in a band called Duvet...
π︎ 37
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︎ Dec 02 2020
I told my friend βIβm addicted to buying Beatles albums!β
He said βYou need help.β
I said βNo, Iβve already got that oneβ
π︎ 74
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︎ Nov 17 2020
My friend works in IT and I asked him, βHow do you make a motherboard?β
He said, βI usually tell her about my job.β
π︎ 16k
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︎ Aug 11 2020
My friend was explaining electricity
π︎ 7
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︎ Dec 05 2020
My friend: I like both men and women.
Me: Oh.. so you're Bi-den?
π︎ 25
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︎ Nov 30 2020
My British friend was really proud of his heritage until he found out that his great grandfather was from Transylvania.
Now he canβt even look at himself in the mirror.
π︎ 115
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︎ Oct 29 2020
My friend has divorced a lumberjack.
He is now her axe-husband.
π︎ 23
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︎ Nov 28 2020
I was visiting my blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
She responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.Β
I said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'Β
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' she answered, βThey're watch dogs'!
π︎ 38
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︎ Nov 20 2020
I told my friend she drew her eyebrows too high.
π︎ 137
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︎ Nov 14 2020
You wouldn't know it by looking at him, but my friend is a natural at remodeling kitchens.
π︎ 14
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︎ Dec 03 2020
My friend always told me to try different types of tea instead of drinking only Earl Grey.
π︎ 11
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︎ Dec 10 2020
My friend and I started a business where we weigh tiny objects.
Itβs a small scale operation.
π︎ 43
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︎ Nov 30 2020
My friend said to me:
"What rhymes with orange" I said: "no it doesn't"
π︎ 33
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︎ Nov 21 2020
my friend just told me, 'I hope you die in a deep hole filled with water'.
π︎ 13k
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︎ Jul 26 2020
My friend asked if I was certain Britain was an island
π︎ 11
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︎ Dec 16 2020
My one friend told me that even though I decorate the church for the holidays...
I probably shouldn't go around calling myself a proud cross dresser.
π︎ 30
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︎ Dec 08 2020
My poor friend recently became a baker.
He really kneaded the dough.
π︎ 19
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︎ Nov 18 2020
I play Chess regularly with my friend, but last time he suddenly said " let's make this interesting "...
..so we stopped and went home.
π︎ 5k
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︎ Aug 04 2020
Three years ago I married my best friend...
My girlfriend was angry but Dave and I thought it was hilarious!
π︎ 14
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︎ Dec 01 2020
So my friend just made my morning
π︎ 43
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︎ Oct 19 2020
My friend and his girlfriend have been together for 5 years, but I have never heard either of them tell a joke.
They are in a very serious relationship.
π︎ 10
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︎ Dec 13 2020
My friend went bald years ago, but still carries his old comb with him.
He just canβt part with it.
π︎ 3k
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︎ Aug 23 2020
My friend has 2 sons, Amal and Juan..
But she only has a photo of one of them in her purse
Because if youβve seen Juan, youβve seen Amal
π︎ 6
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︎ Dec 12 2020
My friend with a lisp passed away.
π︎ 6
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︎ Dec 05 2020
My friend stole my dictionary
Iβm at a loss for words.
π︎ 15
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︎ Dec 09 2020
My friend asked me what the capital of Russia is
π︎ 127
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︎ Sep 17 2020
I try to say "mucho" when I'm around my Hispanic friends.
π︎ 259
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︎ Oct 20 2020
My friend David lost his ID during a trip.
π︎ 7
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︎ Nov 27 2020
What puns can I tell when I want to tell my friends I got a boyfriend?
π︎ 5
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︎ Oct 23 2020
my friend moved into an igloo
everything was going well until the housewarming party
π︎ 468
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︎ Sep 14 2020
My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill
So I sent him a "get well soon" card
π︎ 15k
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︎ Sep 07 2020
My friend in the country couldnβt afford his water bill...
So I sent him a βGet Well Soon!β card.
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Jul 07 2020
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