For all you jerks who are saying my dad jokes about Christmas aren't any good...
My kids told me they want a cat for Christmas
I normally cook a turkey, but hey, if that's what they want..
My dog ate a string of christmas lights. Thankfully, the vet was able to remove them...
He said my dog was delighted!
my wife asked me to move a box of christmas tree decorations
me: “sorry, babe. i don’t think i have enough tensile-strength to lift that box”
I got sick, and it really killed my Christmas spirit.
I must have caught the bahum-bug
My niece asked for a Disney movie for Christmas. I couldn’t figure out for the longest time what movie to get her..
As I was paying the cashier for my Christmas tree,...
....he asked, “Are you going to put that up yourself?”
I said, “No, I’m putting it up in the living room.”
Someone stole all of my Christmas lights last night
It’s ok though, my family and I are just delighted.
I bought my kids a soccer ball for Christmas…
I think they’ll get a kick out of it.
A copy of "A Christmas Carol" just fell on my toe.
It hurts like the Dickens.
I've bought all my friends and family seventeenth century paintings and classical instruments for Christmas.
Last year, my Christmas party was a dud, so this year I’m hiring a singer.
It’s going to change the whole tenor of the event.
I tried so hard to put my Christmas lights away carefully, last year
Told my kids they're not getting as much for Christmas because of the energy crisis.
The price of coal is through the roof.
Due to the economic crisis, my dad decides to save money this year by shopping for a smaller Christmas tree. As he proudly places it on the checkout desk the cashier asks...
"Are you going to put this little tree up yourself sir?", to which my dad answers, "No I'm not you filthy animal! I'm going to put it in the living room!!"
I put up Christmas decorations over the weekend and now my mouth hurts.
On Christmas I was just minding my own business when I was visited by a few ghosts.
My husband told me that for Christmas I should make a wreath out of $100 dollar bills
We were so poor, every Christmas Eve my old man would go outside and shoot his gun,
then come in and tell us kids Santa Claus had committed suicide.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas.
She replied, "Nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace."
So, I brought her nothing.
For Christmas I always give my friends a Pixar movie.
This year I'm giving "Up."
Last Christmas I went home and my parents decided to cook a prime rib. I said Budapest is going to love this. Confused they asked who Budapest is.
I told them I named my stomach Budapest since it’s the capital of Hungry. I’m curious if I get an invitation to Christmas this year.
I tried shipping a Bon Jovi album to my cousin for Christmas but it hasn’t been delivered
The tracking report keeps saying “oh, it’s halfway there”
My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her new Christmas present teddy bear, when she asked, “Do you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?” In my best bear voice, I replied...
“No thanks, I’m stuffed!"
One of the best gifts I got for Christmas this year is a whiteboard for my office.
My little niece got us all at our family Christmas dinner yesterday.
Her: will you remember me in two minutes?
Us: yes
Her: will you remember me in two days?
Us: yes
Her: will you remember me in two months?
Us: yes
Her: will you remember me in two years?
Us: YES!
Her: Knock, knock.
Merry Christmas all, but I’m just livid right now. My uncle bought a couple hundred T-Rex figures to donate to a child outreach center in Toronto and ended up busted by customs driving into Canada.
Turns out they’re not too keen on small arms trafficking.
I went to Victorias Secret today to buy my wife some sexy underwear for Christmas
The shop assistant showed me a really nice set, I said “are they satin?” She said “no, they’re brand new”
I present my CHRIStmas Tree
My youngest daughter’s joke tonight: When listening to the radio together, I commented, “This is my favorite Christmas song.” She responds, “No it’s not! Your favorite Christmas song is…
Feliz NaviDAD! It’s got your name in it!”
My dad dressed up as a Christmas gift while standing in line to buy a lottery ticket.
He was told he must be present to win.
My new Christmas jumper kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back to the shop
And exchanged it for a new one free of charge
I am giving my son a broken drum for Christmas. I think it'll be the best gift ever.
I asked my wife if “Jingle Bells” is her favorite Christmas song. She replied, “Noel”.
Call me crazy, but “Jinge Bes” just doesn’t have the same ring to it.
I got my wife a fridge for Christmas
I can't wait for her face to light up when she opens it.
My wife said i needed to stop my addiction to eating christmas leftovers right out of the fridge...
But i just can't quit cold turkey
I gave my pet deer a couple of cymbals for Christmas.
I just wanted more bang for my buck.
On Dec 24th, my 11 year old son said, "It's Christmas Eve..."
"So, shouldn't tomorrow be Christmas Adam?"
Do you know what my favorite Christmas present was?
A broken drum, You can’t beat it!
I bought my wife a prosthetic leg for Christmas.
It’s not her main present, just a stocking stuffer.
My girlfriend asked me to get my Christmas Spirit out this December
So I did
https://imgur.com/a/SvwzZnA
My son got a Mr Potato-head Iron Man figurine for Christmas
I took off the helmet and said in my best evil-villain voice, "we meet again Tony Starch"
Got a new Christmas tree and my wife asked if I was putting it up myself.
No, I'm putting it in the living room.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas...
She told me, “Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace".
So I got her nothing.
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