A list of puns related to "Money Jokes And"
She said she'll give half to her school and keep a quarter for herself.
I want to make a joke about a rich fruit, and so am need to choose a fruit best associated with wealth, riches having lots of money, etc..
Can any of you pun masters help me out?
Son: what did the fig say to the table?
Me: I don't know, what did the fig say to the table?
Son, angry voice: Hey! I'm asking the questions here. You FIG-ure it out.
Edit: thanks for the silver, I'll tell the boy in the morning!
Edit 2: explained to my son about the up votes and awards. When he heard that someone spent real money to congratulate him for the joke, he said he bets it was his grandparents. He's excited y'all enjoyed it.
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch," he said, "how much will you charge me?"
The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb?"
"No", replied the wife. "I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all those 'dumb blonde' jokes."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
She's 7, here's her attempt:
I saw someone on the couch, with no beard and my husband has a beard and my real husband started screaming "he's trying to steal all your money." That's the joke. Well, it might not be a joke, but it's funny. And then I said "it's you, you idiot, you shaved your beard off." It's a dad joke because it has a dad in it.
My daughter had to wire an essay about her hobby, which is softball. Her opener:
Pitcher this, youβre standing on a mound.
I was overwhelmed, and more proud than ever. She threw in some other puns too, it was an excellent essay, sheβs giving me a run for my money, I batter watch out.
Edit: thank you u/PsychicGnome for the reminder that my kids are better parents than I am
Two high school students named Steve and Josh found themselves broke on a saturday afternoon while strolling around in the city mall. They hadn't eaten lunch and they were getting hungry, but alas, they had no money for food and they were hours away from home.
"I heard there's a place downtown where you can get a sandwich for free" Steve said to Josh.
"That sounds great, let's check it out" Josh replied, and they headed downtown.
They soon found the place. It was a small shop, too small to feel like a real business. The place had no tables or chairs, and not really much furniture at all. An old man stood behind a small counter and eyed them as they entered.
"Welcome to the Laughing Hoagie" he said.
"What is a laughing hoagie?" Josh wondered.
"It's the name of this sandwich place. This is not a regular sandwich shop. We have a special offer here for people who can't afford to pay for their food." the man said as he smiled a toothy smile at them.
"So it's true then," Josh blurted out, "we can get free food here?"
"Not so fast." The old man said. "There is a condition."
"What is it?" Steve wondered aloud.
"Well," the man started "you have to listen to one of my jokes, and the one of you who laughs the most genuine laugh gets a free sandwhich. The other one gets nothing."
As he said this, the old man opened a small refrigerator that stood behind the counter and produced a large, footlong sandwhich with ham, cheese, bacon, lettuce and tomatoes. It was covered in a white dressing and gave off a faint peppery aroma. The boys' mouths started watering at the sight of it.
"What? So only one of us gets a sandwhich?" Steve asked, taken aback.
"Those are the rules," the old man grinned, "if you don't like it, you may leave."
"Nah, we'll hear the joke." Josh said. Steve looked at him, and then nodded to the old man.
"All right." the old man rubbed his hands together as if preparing to dig into a strenuous task.
"What did the mother Buffalo say when her boy left for college?" he asked, and looked expectantly at the teens. They both stared at him with blank expressions.
"Bye Son!" he exclaimed, and struggled not to burst out giggling at his own quip. Josh chuckled a bit, but Steve just frowned.
"That was the worst joke I ever heard!" he exclaimed.
"Well," the old man said as he handed the sandwich over to Josh, "if you don't like jokes with really bad punchlines, then this sub is not for you."
So at my school, we had a pipe burst.
Joke at the end of you want to skip
Now it's pretty normal in the midwest, where I live, to have this thing. It started with the fire alarm going off, because of the pressure decrease, and the school was evacuated. We were all eventually brought back, for it was cold. We sat in our gym for AN HOUR before being dismissed back to our classes.
So it's near the end of the day and I have gym class. And I'm having your normal conversation with a friend about the school's financial problems. And we were just talking about how the school is going to have to pay so much money for the new pipe and the ceiling tiles and the cleaning etc.
And then it was my moment to shine.
So the conversation is almost over and the friend says,
"It'll be a while before normal funds go back".
And I just say this:
"Yeah man, the school's money is going down the drain".
Preface: I live in Ohio.
Over the years my dad and I have taken lots of trips together or vacations to different states. Well whenever he goes to pay for something with cash, thinking he's real clever, he asks the cashier if they accept Ohio money. Every. Single. Time. The cashier instantly gets super confused and kinda just stares awkwardly. Despite how dumb the joke is I honestly do get a chuckle out of how uncomfortable the cashiers get lol.
My Dad was the worst. And by that, I mean the best. He had a Dad Joke for everything.
I accidently left my wallet in my pants and they went through the wash?
"Don't you know it's illegal to launder money?" He would crack.
We would drive by the cemetery and he would always remark.
"That place is so popular, people are dying to get in"
Many groans were had.
I would ask him, "Dad, where do you get all these awful jokes?" and he looked square in the eye and said.
"Son, on the day you were born - your Grandfather - my father gave me a book. '1001 Dad Jokes' and that where I get them from"
And life continued. Any opportunity to crack wise he would take it. Even when I moved out and got my own place it didn't stop. I had my Dad over to help me repaint the walls from cream to white.
"Boy" He whistled. "This wall sure pales in comparison to that one"
My eyes rolled and he just shrugged. "It's the book!"
He couldn't even help himself at my wedding and broke out a Dad Joke during the toast.
"If this is the toast, where are the eggs?"
"Sorry son, it's the book!" He said with a devilish grin.
So months pass and my wife is in labor at the hospital with our first child. I'm sitting in the waiting room with my dad for support. Suddenly, a nurse comes out beaming with glee.
"Congratulations, sir! It's a girl!"
Me and my dad jump up and whoop for joy, hugging. I can't wait to go in and see my wife and child.
"Wait son" My dad says and pulls a little book out of his jacket pocket. "This is for you"
I look at the little book and sure enough, it's "1001 Dad Jokes"
I tear up instantly.
"I...I.." I stammer.."I'm touched.."
My dad gets the world's biggest shit-eating grin on his face.
"Hi touched...." He pauses for effect.
"I'm Dad"
HI Iβm Tim the turtle, yes a real turtle. And I would like to tell you the story of my best friend. I once had a friend by the name of Sam. Sam of course was a clam. A real live honest to goodness clam. He was my best buddy, but unfortunately he smoked and drank and ran around with loose women (and a few men). I was more of the goodie two shoes type. I never drank, never smoked, I didnβt even swear. But for some reason Sam and I were the best of friends. I guess you can say we were the epitome of opposites attracting. One day as we were hanging out walking along the beach Sam, after his fifth cigarette in a row, had a heart attack and died. I was heart broken. My best friend died right there in front of me and he never repented his evil ways. I was sure he would spend eternity in damnation. Sigh. Being the goodie two shoes type I was still extremely healthy well into my old age. I missed my friend terribly for many years. On his birthday I would host a party and invite his old stripper girlfriends and poker buddies around to relive stories. It was always a fun evening, but in the end left me more lonely than before. Eventually, my broken heart couldnβt stand it anymore and I too died. I was pleased to find that there was a heaven. Being an almost saint I was whisked directly past the line to the Pearly Gates to be greeted by St. Peter. A big grin erupted on his face and he came right around his desk to give me a great big hug. βTimβ, he said, βYou have been such a good person back on earth that God has asked me to grant you any wish you would like before even entering heavenβ. To say I was flabbergasted is an understatement. I thought for a minute, I guess God expected me to ask for more time on earth, but I knew what I really wanted to do was to visit with my old friend Sam. So I asked. Poor St. Peter didnβt know what to say. You know Sam is in Hell right? Well I knew that was a strong possibility so I wasnβt surprised. Peter excused himself for a while and went to check with the big guy himself. He was gone quite some time, but eventually he returned. Peter said my request was approved, but under a few conditions. First, I would have to carry a golden harp as a passport back into heaven. This harp could only be carried by a good soul so I couldnβt be replaced by a look alike demon. Second, I would have to return by midnight. God didnβt want me to face too much temptation. I agreed to these conditions and took the highway down to hell. (Nope n
... keep reading on reddit β‘I am not a dad at the moment, but I've learned the art of pretty clever puns in college. Some are mine, some are spins on inspirations, others are more on the joke side of dad.
What does a radioactive cat have?
18 half-lives
Ventriloquists are like psychiatrists, they both talk through things.
What is my vision?
To make the world 10% better?
No, it's about 20/20...
The invention of the shovel was truly a groundbreaking discovery.
Dad: I invested in some uranium, but I lost money.
Friend: What happened?
Dad: The Profit decayed.
We have received a report of a hole being discovered in the ground, our investigative team is looking into it.
There was an explosion at a local film manufacturing company, the story is still developing as we speak.
A local theater put together an act about jokes.
It was a play on words
SΓΈ, I hΓͺΓ‘rd yΓΆΕ« lΓ¬kΓ« fΓΆrΓ©igΓ± aΓ§ΔΔΕtΕ‘
As an airline mechanic would say, the job has lots of ups and downs.
My New Years resolution will probably be 25 megapixels, or 4K, not sure yet...
There was a river in Egypt no one believed existed, it was known locally as De-Nile.
Dad-Epitaph:
I thought I'd never live to see this day come.
There are two things that are guaranteed to open doors in life.
Push and Pull!
(How to keep an idiot in suspense)
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
A man builds robotic snakes for a living, I guess you could say he was a... python programmer!
A researcher's obsession with mixing stone, sand, lime, and water has yielded concrete results.
A madman once attacked a rider on his horse.
The rider had to goto hospital, the horse remains in stable condition.
A man bought a paper shop, it blew away in the wind last night.
Science is all about learning the rules, setting off an absurd amount of explosives, and then writing down what happened.
It has recently been discovered that scientific research causes cancer in rats.
Dad: Did you pick up your room?
Kid: No, I tried but it's too heavy.
So there is this land called cheerio land and in cheerio land there are 7 classes of cheerio, 0-5 and the frosted cheerios. Now there is this level 0 cheerio. Hes homeless, living out on the street, probaly an alchoholic. But he falls in love with a frosted cheerio princess. So one day he sneaks into the royal gala and goes up to the princess and asks her "will you marry me?" Now she says "I like your style, youre a good looking guy, a bit scruffy but I like you. Tell you what I will marry you if you can become a frosted cheerio" So our guy goes back with a determination and gets a job and starts to pay off his debts. Now by having a job and his debts paid he becomes a level 1 cheerio. So he works, and he works, and he works, and he WORKS and he finally becomes a level 2 cheerio. Now he goes back to the princess and askes her again, "will you marry me?" she says "no honey you really do have to become a frosted cheerio first." So he goes back and he works and works, hes a fryboy at McGrubers or something, I dont care. So he works and he works and he gets promoted at the restraunt and is making more money. And he works and he works and he works and by having that income raise he finally becomes a level 3 cheerio. He feels sucessful for the first time in his life but he is starting to fall back on his old ways. One day he goes to the casino and he loses and he loses and he loses and he gambled all his money away and he gets fired to boot because gambling is against company policy. So he is back down to a level 1 cheerio. He gets a job on a production line at a nearby factory and determines himself not to fall back ever again. So he works and he works and he works and he works and he WORKS, level 2, level 3, and he is doing great again. He is promoted to Floor manager of the factory and he is doing great and becomes a level 4 cheerio. But then one day a rival company sabotages their operation by putting poison in their toothpaste or whatever the hell they were making. They have to pay out damages and PR and the like and they declare bankruptcy. He is knocked back down to level 2 for the lack in income. But he is hired almost straight away by a branch of a huge conglomerate because they recognized how hard of a worker he is. So he works, level 3, works, level 4, and he works and works and WORKS. So he is promoted t
... keep reading on reddit β‘This is directly translated from greek, but you'll get it.
Me: Hey, dad, do you have any money?
Dad: Yeah, don't worry about me.
He cracks up and searches all over the house for my mom to tell his joke.
I didn't want to admit it, but it was pretty funny. Almost forgot about the money. Almost.
What you need to know: We have a grocery store called Dominick's.
Artie and Dominick grew up in the same neighborhood and were best friends. But after highschool, they parted ways.
20 years later, they bump into each other on the street and the friends have a happy reunion. They talk about their lives after they left their old neighborhood. Dominick is a very wealthy lawyer and Artie is a mobster. Artie turns to Dominick and says "If you need anything at all, I'll get it for ya. Just ask."
Dominick :Well there is one thing... Artie: Anything. Dominick: Well I can't stand my wife. Could you get rid of her? Artie: Of course! Dominick: Wait! You're my friend, I gotta pay you for this. Artie: I can't take your money. Dominick: I have to give you something! Artie: Fine, give me a dollar.
So Dominick hands him a dollar and tells Artie when he'll be at work. The next day, Artie slips into the house and strangles the wife but as soon as her body hits the ground, the maid walks in. So Artie strangles her too, but as soon as her body hits the ground, the butler walks in. Artie strangles the butler and then the police burst in.
The next day in the papers, the head line reads: "Artie Chokes Three for a Dollar at Dominick's"
The end. My dad was saying the other day he won't be able to tell that joke anymore because Dominick's (the store) is closing where we live.
Backstory: Many years ago I was living on my own about 45 minutes away from my parents. I had a stable job but didn't make much money and was broke most of the time. I had an old beat up car that was my only form of transportation. I would always have mechanical issues with the car and finally one morning it decided it wouldn't start no matter what.
I sheepishly had to call in to work and explain the situation and let them know that I would have to take a sick day but would figure some way to get to work the next day. I called my dad and he offered to come pick the car up on his trailer and take it back to his garage to work on it and get it in shape to trade it in.
He drives to my apartment, we get the car on the trailer and we are headed back to his house. The whole ride there I'm pretty pissed off and depressed about the whole situation. I'm worried about finding a new car and how I'm going to afford it and what I'm gonna do if I can't get it running again.
Dad senses my mood and pretty much keeps quiet the whole time. We get about three blocks away from his house and he utters this gem.
"Man, this car won't get off my ass. He's been tailgating me for 45 minutes now."
This was the perfect thing to snap me out of my funk and break the tension. I absolutely lost it. Only a Dad Joke could make me realize how trivial the whole thing was. I have told this joke to others who didn't really think it was that funny, but to me at the time it was the greatest thing ever.
Thanks Dad.
I joked with him about how the boxes are piling up and I need him to cut them up. He lives overseas so he said that if I buy his plane ticket, he'll come and do the work. I told him that my gardener Ebodio will cut the boxes if I ask him to, and much less money. To make my dad feel better, I (half-jokingly) say that Ebodio's technique is not as good and he will be slower, but he'll be a whole lot cheaper.
My dad's response: "I feel like I am being undercut"
And apparently, it's true:
http://money.cnn.com/2015/05/18/luxury/flying-cars-aeromobil/
So my daughter has been talking nonstop about them and how she wants me to get one.
I told her I don't think they'll ever take off.
She kept talking...I guess my joke went over her head...
My wife and I were talking about some local company that services all of the South, except, we noticed, Mississippi.
Wife: they probably wouldn't make enough money in Mississippi anyway.
Me: hell, no one makes money in Mississippi (heehee Mississippi jokes)
Son: that's because it all goes to the Missus!
...
Son, you've made me proud today.
So my wife and I were in Walmart and she was looking in the candle section. She saw an apple pie candle she was interested in until she saw the price.
"$7 is kind of expensive for a candle don't you think?" She says to me.
Smirking, I see my time for glory; "Why, you don't feel like we have money to burn?"
She called me an ass, but I was already lost in dad joke nirvana.
I deliver pizza for a living and I showed up at the door, as is my wont, with one hand holding the pizza bag and the other holding the receipt. On opening the door, I greeted the pater familia and told him the amount I was owed. He gave me the money and I handed him the receipt so I could free up my hands to pull the pizza out of the bag, saying offhandedly, "Here you go," indicating the receipt. The patriarch then looked at the menu bemusedly and remarked, "Hmm, seems a little light." It took me a little to figure out the joke was supposed to be that he thought the menu accompanying the receipt was the entire delivery.
On noticing my delayed reaction, the daughter of the house proceeded to put her hand to her face in a manner not unlike our dear Snoo at the top of this page. I've been delivering for two years now--that was easily the lamest, most Dad-like joke I have ever come across.
My Dad has thrown me some pretty good/bad dad jokes in his time... but yesterday he sat me down on the couch and started telling me about a frog who couldn't get a loan from the bank. He looked really concerned and it went something like this...
"... so this frog really just wants a loan, and decides to try one last time. He walks up to the teller, a Mrs Patricia Wak. P.W: Hello sir what can I do for you? F: I'm just after a $30,000 loan. Can you help P.W: Wow, that's a really large loan. What collateral do you have? F: Just this little toy elephant (pulls out from pocket) P.W: I'm afraid that's not going to secure the loan, sir. Do you have anything else? F: No P.W: Well them I'm afraid we can't help you
And the frog starts to well up and cry, he starts howling inconsolably and is an absolute mess F: You don't understand! I need this loan! Please, my name is Froggy Jagger. I come from a long line of Jaggers, my father Mick is good for the money now please help me! P.W: I'm sorry but a little toy elephant is never going to secure you... F: I want to see a manager!!
So Patricia Wak goes and gets her manager, and the frog tells the man about his need for a $30,000 loan. The manager agrees and pulls Patricia aside to explain why...
P.W: I don't understand this guy, what's the deal with the little elephant? M: It's a knick-knack, Patty Wak! Give the frog a loan! His old man's a rolling stone!
Dad then proceeded to slap his knee and laugh wildly while I stood up and walked away.
(I think this joke makes a lot more sense if you're an Australian...)
Whilst I really enjoy Dad jokes (why else would I be subscribed here) I cannot endorse this one at all, but every year or two Dad will break this one out at family gatherings, weddings and funerals.
A man was recently fired from his job and needed somewhere to make some money. Fortunately a circus was in town, so he went along to see if they had any vacancies.
When he walked onto the site he saw the main tent and walked in. The ringmaster came up to him and asked what he wanted.
"Can I have a job please?" said the man.
"Well what can you do?" replied the ringmaster.
The man thought about it for a bit before he knew what he was going to do. When it came to him he didn't say another word, but he brought his arms in like this (Dad proceeds to demonstrate by bringing his hand up to his armpits making wings) and started to flap his arms (Oh look, Dad's flapping his arms too).
Not much was happening at first, but slowly you could see his feet rise, ever so slowly off the ground. Eventually the man is a few meters off the ground, flapping his arms, but that's just the beginning.
He then flies to the top of the tent and starts speeding up, flying laps around the tent. He's showing off now, doing loop de loops and diving down. Eventually he feels he's shown his worth and lowers himself down to the ground.
He looks at the ringmaster and says "Well, what do you think?"
The ringmaster looks back and says "Is that all you can do?" (Long pause) "Bird Impressions?"
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