...putting their case together.
God stopped and said "Yes I will, just a second."
I'm not sure whether that was Euros or suitcases.
You know what they say... history favors the mold.
Ex stinked
I guess you could call them Blue Screens of Death.
Velocirapper
Now they say it's been 66 million years.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
How is it that cavemen survived the asteroid but the dinosaurs didn’t?
Social Distancing. They stayed 65 million years apart.
He just can’t part with it.
According to NASA, in 600 million years, the moon's orbit will have increased enough that total solar eclipses will no longer be possible. After that point, the only total eclipses will be lunar and "of the heart".
Update: Thanks for all your applications! Give /u/parin89 and I a few days to take a look and confer!
(if you haven't put your application in yet, you've still got time)
-
Greetings /r/dadjokes subscribers,
Years have passed since this sub started up, and there are now literally millions of you. Whoa.
Two million people is just two many two handle for two moderators. Especially these days, when both /u/parin89 and I have two many other responsibilities and a whole lot less time. I'm 200% sure most of you would agree that more mods are needed.
So we're looking for 5 more moderators to get involved. If you're keen to apply, read the rest of this post and answer the three questions in your comment response.
Answer these 3 questions in your reply:
- How would you describe a dad joke?
- Do you currently moderate any other subreddits? If yes, which ones.
- You see a post that is not breaking the rules or reddit's posting guidelines, but is generally disliked by the community. What do you do?
Only apply if:
- You're a reasonable, fair-minded and patient human
- You're in it to keep this community a happy, friendly and safe place for other humans
- You've got previous mod experience from a decent sized community (let's say... 5k+)
- You're cool with the first few months being a trial run
- You understand that while we could use more active moderation, and would benefit from a few more rules, one of the things that makes this community great is that it's pretty open (after all, dad jokes repeat a lot and not every "repost" is necessarily an opportunistic attempt to game karma)
We'd benefit from a few practical things as well, it would be great if:
- You live in a timezone that covers off either the USA, the UK, Australia (we'd like a spread)
- You've got some automod experience
- You've got some sub-customisation experience
Don't apply if:
- You're ready to come out swinging with a power tripping ban hammer
- You're more concerned about Internet points than real people
We'll leave this stickied for a week and then come back to message a few people and make some selections.
A few days ago, my dad (who is a recent Reddit convert) and I were watching "American Hustle" and in the middle of the movie, Christian Bale's character opens up a safe at one of his dry cleaning businesses.
Dad taps me on the shoulder, leans over and says:
"OP Delivered"
He immediately began cackling as I groaned.
Because the pee is silent.
Because bathrooms didn't exist a hundred million years ago
Tom was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune once his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune. One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million Pounds." Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.
Three days later, she became his stepmother...
To celebrate the 200th birthday of Charles Darwin, the scientific community joined together for a party. As is common at such gatherings, the Biologists began to argue about what species was the most suited to its environment. Finally after much heated debate, a group of scientists pledged to spend the rest of the year exhaustively researching the Biological record to once and for all determine which creature was the ultimate example of adaptivity and proficiency ever to live.
Yesterday, the results were announced at the National Academy of Sciences. The creature identified as the most adaptive and proficient in Earth's history was a previously unknown animal from the Mesozoic era, a water dwelling insect that thrived for a hundred million years.
It was ... a FishAnt
Me: Got to see a bit of the moon tonight before clouds came in.
Mom: Was it a new moon?
Dad: No? It's been the same moon for millions of years.
Thank you.
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies. The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded". Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children, and one in the oven. The funeral was at 3:50 for 20 minutes.
It only took a million years.
So, this just happened last night. My son (11 years old, and a true lover of dad jokes) is not presently speaking to me.
After i just finished cutting an avocado in two... Me: Shall we "halve" some avocado with dinner tonight? Huh? Huh? (Dramatically pointing to the cut produce in Vanna White style.) Son: (Unimpressed). I might take a little. Me: You might? I say you "halve two!" (Again gesturing dramatically to the two halves.) Son: groan That was TERRIBLE... But you score extra points for a double pun. Me: Av-a-cad-o million more where those came from. Mic Drop
I didn't come up with this but its been flying around reddit for a while...
A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?' The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things. However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished.
Finally, the son said, `Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have a pink ping pong ball.'
The father was rather astonished at this wish, but said, `If it is a pink ping pong ball that you want, a pink ping pong ball you shall have.'
And so, the next day, the son was given as his bithday present a pink ping pong ball.
The boy took the ball to his room and the next morning the pink ping pong ball was gone. The father was mildly surprised but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong ball, however, was never seen again.
The next year, a day before his 16th birthday, the father asked his son what he would like for his birthday.
Father,' replied the son,I have everything a boy could possibly wish for, but there is one thing I would really, really like. I would love to have a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'
The father was more surprised than the year before, but kept his curiosity at bay, for he knew that his son had a right for privacy. he said therefore, `If it is a tenpack of pink ping pong balls that you want, a tenpack of pink ping pong balls you shall have.'
And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday present a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.
The boy took the tenpack of balls to his room and the next morning, not a single ball remained, merely the empty husk of the tenpack. The father wondered where ten pink ping pong balls might disappear to, but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, were never seen again.
The next year, a day before his 17th birthday, the son was asked by his father what he would like for his birthday.
Father,' said the son to this,I have everything a boy could wish for, but one thing would make my happiness complete. I would dearly want a carton of pink ping pong balls.'
The father was beyond surprise, but decided to make sure he had not misheard. `A carton of pink ping pong balls?'
`A carton of pink ping pong balls,' the boy confirmed.
I can't understand your fascination with pink ping pong balls
... keep reading on reddit ➡*Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston.
*Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
*Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.
*What do you call a cow who gives no milk? ...A milk dud (or an udder failure)
*There was a terrible fight reported in our local shopping center. It just so happened that a news reporter from one of our local stations was there to record the entire episode. It was an altercation between a prominent dentist and a manicurist. Their disagreement escalated to the point that they wound up fighting each other tooth and nail.
*The little old woman who lived in a shoe wasn't the sole owner - there were strings attached.
*I recently saw a theatrical performance on puns... turned out, it was just a play on words!
*Have you ever tried watching a magician with an anger management problem? Every time he gets mad, he pulls his hare out!
*If you lose your hearing, is it ear replaceable? -Just wondering
*Harvard has long been known for its championship Rowing team – until this year. They had their first ever indecisive rower... he couldn’t choose either oar.
*I found an excellent seamstress who is so enthusiastic about her work that she's happy to make a pair of pants for you …or at least sew its seams.
*No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
*I bought a new weed whacker yesterday & it is cutting-hedge technology!
*Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
*I read about a recent fire at the circus. The heat was in tents.
*I was saddened to hear that our local bakery was going out of business. They said they had decided to stop making donuts after they got tired of the hole thing.
*I decided that becoming a vegetarian was a missed steak.
*Why do seagulls fly over the sea? …Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels!!
*I wonder if their manure spreader is the only equipment John Deere won't stand behind.
*I saw a very emotional wedding recently... even the cake was in tiers!
*I'm glad I'm not a cross-eyed teacher... otherwise I'd find it too difficult to control my pupils!
*What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window? ...Snow and Tell
*I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
*The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.
*What kind of math do Snowy Owls like? …Owlgebra
*What
... keep reading on reddit ➡My dad was talking about salaries of non profit CEOs.
Me:how much does the Alzheimer's association CEO get paid
Dad: he makes 2.7 million a year.
Dad: but I bet they forgot how much they paid him.
Me:facepalm
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip
to Rome with her husband..
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
" Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.
You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo.
The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on
time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked,
and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful,
and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job,
and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their
owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican,
a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the
Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to
step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door
and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say?"
scroll down.....
He said: "Who fucked up your hair?"
My grandma has started using facebook this year and she loves to post things like this on my wall:
"I wanted to send you a Fairy Tale for your birthday, but they tend to Dragon." ""Tis better to have loved a short person than never to have loved a tall." "Two left feet? It wasn't until the mid 19th. century that shoe manufacturers began making right and left shoes. Clarks was the first to do so. Before that, our ancestors who walked a lot had sore feet. Those poor souls!"
She's got a million of them, and is apparently determined to post all of them
“In a minute.”
They went up by a million percent this year..
So this man is talking to God and he says:
“God, is it true that a million years is like a second to you?”
Then God says: “Yes. A million years is like a second to me.”
Then the man says: “So if a million years is like a second to you, is it true that a million dollars is like a penny for you?”
Then God said: “Yes. A million dollars is like a penny to me.”
So the man says: “God, can I please have a penny?”
Then God says: “Yeah just give me a second.”
