My mom has forbidden me from making any more breakfast puns.
She says if I do, I’m toast; she just pancake anymore. How waffle, right? I guess I’m in a jam, unless I can learn to be syrup-titious. At least my dad, a cereal punster himself, keeps egging me on. He’s such a ham. Whoever sausage a thing?
my wife passed out while giving birth to our twin sons, the doctors asked me to name my children...
When my wife came to, I told her.
She was okay with the name José
But wasn't too thrilled I named the second boy, Jos-B
Someone told me that it’s impossible to make a pun about vegetables.
I said that’s not nececelery true.
My son asked me to name 2 structures that hold water
My son keeps asking me to quit making puns about U.S. states
I wasn’t Del-AWARE it was an issue. Really, I can’t Tennes-SEE whats wrong with it. WHY-oming must I stop?
Can someone please tell me what “idk” stands for?
I’ve asked lots of people but nobody seems to know.
My son’s fourth birthday was today. When he came to see me, I didn’t recognize him at first.
I had never seen him be four
So eggcellent it cracked me up
I was having problems hearing, so I went to see my doctor. First thing he asked me to do was describe the symptoms.
"Well," I says, "Homer is a bald fat dude, and Marge has blue hair"
My wife dadjoked me tonight. I was saying that I need to call a small engine repair guy to look at our snowblower.
She responds, “well, Kelly’s husband Mike fixes those things but he’s pretty tall.”
This was one of my favorite jokes my Dad told me when I was a kid. I turn 46 tomorrow, and he turns 76. Yep, we both have the same birthday. "What do you do to an elephant with 3 balls?"
Walk him, and pitch to the rhino.
Thanks for still making me laugh with that one, Dad.
Me and my friends put a band together, we named it 999 megabytes
Still don’t have a gig though
My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes.
But I can’t quit cold Turkey.
My mailman told me he is going on vacation to Spain tomorrow
So I asked him if he was going to Parcelona.
He proceeded to ignore what I believe to be my best joke of 2022.
My boyfriend doesn't know me at all, he keeps giving me birds as gifts, and I don't understand it. Should we break up?
Edit: He actually just gave me five golden rings! Maybe he really does know me (:Edit2: More birds again
My wife blocked me on Facebook because I post too many bird puns
Well, toucan play that game
My wife asked me, “Why are all the potatoes burnt to a crisp?”
I said, “I thought today was Black Fry Day.”
This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.”
I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode...
As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there "isn't" something trying to kill you...
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list...
...Now I can't read anything!
My son woke me up because he was having a scary dream about a mean horse.
I told him it was just a night mare.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off.
I don't know where this stems from, but I think I'm being stalked.
My wife asked me if I knew what her favorite flower was…
Apparently “Gold Medal All Purpose” was not the correct response.
"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
I was at Costco today and a whole rack of Omega 3 pills fell on me
I'm ok though. It was just super fish oil injuries.
if you get this, you're old like me
-Mom, my teacher gave me detention because Mike was smoking in the classroom
-Why did she give you detention if Mike was the one who was smoking ?
-She says that I’m the one who set him on fire.
Please stop giving me leftover pork
I'm no longer accepting ham me downs
When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
A friend told me he could tell when flatbread was nearby.
I told him that's just naan-sense.
I told me wife: There's only one thing that scares me during Halloween...
My wife: "Which is?"
Me: "Exactly"
*Edit- I told my wife.... yea yea :P
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop speaking in Star Wars quotes.
Divorce is strong with this one.
A non-binary gold prospector told me:
"There's a fortune in them/their hills"
My doctor told me that I have the peekaboo virus.
Don't worry, they sent me to the ICU.
The other day, I opened the door to two policemen who told me “we’ve had reports from your neighbours that your dog was chasing a kid on a bike.”
I said, “that’s ridiculous. My dog doesn’t even know how to ride a bike.”
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
My wife told me I should do lunges to stay in shape
That would be a big step forward
My landlord yelled at me today because my heating bill is absolutely insanely high and that he’s going to have to come over soon to discuss a solution.
I told him “Fine, my door is always open.”
I asked old Maud how she lost her husband. She told me her sad story..
"Well, he needed a blood transfusion, but his blood type was not on record, so the doctors asked me if I knew what it was, as they urgently needed to know, in order to save my Norman's life.
Tragically, I've never known his blood type, so I only had time to sit and say goodbye.
I'll never forget how supportive my Norman was.
Even as he was fading away, he kept on whispering to me, "Be positive, be positive!"
That was my Norman! Always thinking of others."
EDIT: thanks for my first award whoever you were!
As a kid, I wanted to watch movies about orchestras, but my parents wouldn't let me.
Said there was too much violins.
Puns make me numb, and puns about math...
My girlfriend broke up with me
She says it’s because she’s Lebanese but I think it’s because I’m dyslexic
My kid ambushed me with a good one
Prepping dinner the other day:
Me: hey these aren't peas. Something called mukimame?
Son (5 y.o.): is that like edamame?
Me: I think maybe? Dunno, I'm not an expert on mames.
Daughter (7 y.o.): yeah, because you're a dade!
I've never been a prouder father than in that moment.
My daughter just dropped this one on me: Why was Cinderella so bad at playing tennis?
...Because her coach was a pumpkin.
Forgive me Father Pastry, for I have cinnamoned.
It has been 1 day since my last confection.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with video games.
What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.
A wizard asked me to proof read one of his scrolls last week.
Actually, it was more of a Spell Check.
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