A man went to the doctor’s and told him, β€œI feel like such a failure. All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up.”

He said, β€œWow, that’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.”

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cyclopropagative
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
🚨︎ report
A man is walking down the street when he looks into an alley and sees 2 sharks standing up.

One shark hands the other one a small packet full of some suspicious white powder.

"That's some fishy business" the man remarks.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ParadoxXSchock
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend keeps saying β€œCheer up man, it could be worse. You could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well

πŸ‘︎ 307
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ljpicklefeet20
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I saw a man going up a hill with a trolley full of horseshoes, four leaf clovers and rabbit's feet...

I thought, β€œWell he's pushing his luck!”

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the woman break up with the man that had 5 pairs of legs?

He brought tension to the relationship

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AceMcSqueezy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
There was an article I read about this man who hasn’t woken up in years in Washington

I guess he’s in a Tacoma

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/itsthatbrownguy91
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report
If Iron Man and Silver Surfer teamed up...

They would both be alloys.

πŸ‘︎ 49
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bringojackprot
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a man who was force fed chocolate and peanut butter then chopped up?

Reese’s Pieces

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/firepower98
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
🚨︎ report
A man woke up to find out that he was connected to a constant source of water.

He was quite irrigated about it.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
A man woke up in a hospital after a terrible accident. He shouted, "Doctor! Doctor! I can’t feel my legs!”

The doctor replied, β€œI know. I amputated your arms!”

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do by raising one leg?

Shake hands.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tekprojekt
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
🚨︎ report
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his butt.

The doctors described his condition as stable.

πŸ‘︎ 95
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRealWingnut
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2020
🚨︎ report
A man walks up to a crazy robot and says

"You're nuts!" and bolts.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheMoonIsLonely
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2020
🚨︎ report
A man walked into a hardware store, picked up a can of fly spray and asked the assistant, "Is this good for wasps?"

"No, it kills them."

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2019
🚨︎ report
"Have you ever done anything good?" St. Peter asked a guy when he showed up at the Pearly Gates. "To protect a young girl I punched the leader of a motorcycle gang, kicked his bike over, and told them all to back off!" said the man. St. Peter was impressed, "When did you do this?"

"Oh, just a couple of minutes ago."

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2019
🚨︎ report
At a funeral, a little old man goes up to the grieving widow.

"May I say a word?"

Sniffling, the widow agrees. The old man clears his throat, "Plethora"

"The widow smiles. "Thanks, that means a lot."

πŸ‘︎ 49
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the man who invented a more efficient way to set up the high jump and pole vault?

He raised the bar.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/trimofdoom
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
🚨︎ report
A British man decided to pick up a hitchhiker with no arms, 1 leg and 3 heads.

He says: " 'ello 'ello 'ello, you look 'armless, hop in!"

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mozzatits
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
🚨︎ report
A man was arrested for beating up someone with a battery-shaped dildo

He was charged with sexual battery.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Reyzorblade
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I was walking up the aisle at my local Home Depot and spotted a cranky looking old man in an orange vest.

β€œExcuse me, could you help me?” I asked.

He grunted in response, barely looking at me.

β€œUm, I’m looking for a way to keep my dogs in my backyard. Do you know where those electric leashes are? I’m trying to decide if I should try that or just block it off with a fence or something.”

He turned to face me and looked me up and down with disdain, β€œDo we look like a pet store?” And he turned around and walked away.

I took a fence.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kgold0
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Ladies: If you think your man has trouble "opening up,"

Just hand him a beer.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Naitraen
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
🚨︎ report
A local man shows up to his local Starbucks for his daily cup of coffee.

β€œGrande macchiato with oat milk, please.”

The cashier started to process his order, until the man asked β€œWhy are you wearing a surgical mask?”

β€œI’m not”, said the barista, β€œit’s a coughy filter”.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
🚨︎ report
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt and walks up to the bartender and asks for two beers and says...

"One for me and one for the road"

πŸ‘︎ 855
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/yeetman76
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
🚨︎ report
A man came up to me and said "Man, your clothes look gay".

I said "I know, they came out of the closet this morning".

πŸ‘︎ 14k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TommZ5
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2019
🚨︎ report
How did the gingerbread man wind up with one leg?

He lost the other in Nom.

πŸ‘︎ 378
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MelkorHimself
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
🚨︎ report
A man held up a pizza joint at knifepoint

No one knows who’ll get the slice

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AnnexFromCanada
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
🚨︎ report
A man was hospitalised with 6 plastic horses up his arse

The doctor said his condition was stable

πŸ‘︎ 61
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/renegaderis
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2020
🚨︎ report
A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog, bends down as if to pet it, then picks it up by the tail and begins spinning it over his head. It created quite the ruckus, so an employee ran over and asked the man if he needed help.

"No thanks, just looking around."

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notagoodspelller
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2020
🚨︎ report
How does spider man always come up with such clever comebacks?

Because with great power, comes great response ability.

πŸ‘︎ 87
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/IsakSolarInte
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2019
🚨︎ report
A man walks up to a microphone stand.

Man: would all the Mike's stand up please?

a few men stand up

Man: thank you, this concludes the Mike check

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Ah man just a repost from a wrong sub. Lets get to 58 up
πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mliepins11
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2018
🚨︎ report
Iron Man and the Silver Surfer is teaming up for the next movie to fight crime.

They are alloys.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did the man fill his attic up with Helium?

He wanted a light house

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Brewdaddy01
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2019
🚨︎ report
A man suspected his wife was hard of hearing so he decided to do an experiment. The man snuck up behind his wife and said, β€œHoney, can you hear me?” No response. He went a little closer and said a little louder, β€œHoney, can you hear me?” Still no response. So he went right beside her ear, yelling,

β€œHoney, can you hear me!?” She turned around and shouted, β€œFor the third time, yes I can hear you!”

πŸ‘︎ 79
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Gho5ly
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
🚨︎ report
So a man walked up to me and placed some soil, plant seeds and fertilizer on my head.

It was annoying at first, but I think it grew on me!

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MrEpicGamerMan
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2019
🚨︎ report
A Roman man walks into a bar and holds up 2 fingers.

He says to the bartender, "5 beers, please!"

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water."

I know he means well.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tankerman05
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.
πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ruchi565
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
🚨︎ report
A man walked into a hardware store, picked up a can of fly spray and asked the assistant, "Is this good for wasps?"

"No, it kills them."

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water."

I know he means well.

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
🚨︎ report
A man walked into a hardware store, picked up a can of fly spray and asked the assistant, β€œIs this good for wasps?”

He said, β€œNo, it kills them.”

πŸ‘︎ 51
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water."

I know he means well.

πŸ‘︎ 150
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Anam_Cara
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2020
🚨︎ report
If Iron Man and Sliver Surfer teamed up, what would they be?

Alloys.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Guyshu
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2020
🚨︎ report
If the Silver Surfer and Iron Man teamed up ...

They'd be alloys!

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Charles_Deetz
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2020
🚨︎ report
A guy came up to me and said, β€œMan your clothes are so gay”

I said, β€œI know, they came out of the closet this morning”

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/neon_exorcism
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water."

I know he means well

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/C3Life
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2019
🚨︎ report

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