Made this a while ago when I had way too much time on my hands
πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kimothy92
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Just hand made my first welcome sign, what do ya think?
πŸ‘︎ 66
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I just wish, that I had made early investments in hand sanitizer, on the Stock Markets..

.. Somebody, somewhere, is rubbing their hands together.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a tree made out of hands?

A palm tree

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Porterhouse_27
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
🚨︎ report
An audience member asked me how I made the brisk sharp cracking sound with my hand.

I told her it was a snap.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2020
🚨︎ report
My herbs were looking a little scuffed, but when I went to go polish them, my friend was already getting ready to help me out. This made me upset, so I grabbed a sprig out of their hands and said

This is my thyme to shine

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Nilaky
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Hand made pun
πŸ‘︎ 44
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zinxbey
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call cheese made with a bit of a human hand?

Palmesan

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2018
🚨︎ report
How do statisticians tell if a shirt is hand made

They perform a tee test. To determine if it's normally distributed.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2019
🚨︎ report
I made a play about a man with Tourettes and no hands.

Critics are calling it "offensive and pointless".

πŸ‘︎ 37
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/csyrett
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2017
🚨︎ report
Helped my wife with a few of the labels for some homemade hand scrub and lip balm she made as Xmas presents.
πŸ‘︎ 84
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/han_so_low
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2013
🚨︎ report
I made a purchase at a second-hand store that added up to $20.16

I complained to the lady that that was last year's price.

She laughed after a few moments of confusion. Was nice to see the smile on her face.

Happy Monday!

πŸ‘︎ 38
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2017
🚨︎ report
My Dad made this joke when I was about 4 years old. He had just caught a hare with his bare hands.

Me: How did you do that?

Dad: I just lay down on the ground and made a noise like a carrot.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tambo96
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2014
🚨︎ report
A pirate walks in a bar with a peg leg, a hook for a hand and an eyepatch

The bar tender says β€œwow how’d you get that peg leg?” The pirate says one day I was out sailing and a shark jumped aboard and tore it clean off” next the bartender asks β€œand the hook? How’d you get that?” The pirate responds β€œwell we were out whaling and one leapt out of the water and bit my hand clean off” the bartender then asks, β€œok so what about the eyepatch??” The pirate responds β€œI was out walking on the deck of my ship when I looked up and a seagull shit right in my eye” the bartender is a bit confused and says β€œthat made you lose your eye?” β€œNo” says the pirate β€œit was my first day with the hook!”

πŸ‘︎ 63
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2021
🚨︎ report
First dad joke

Doctor: [Hands baby to new father] "I'm sorry to have to tell you sir, your wife didn't make it..."

New father: [Hands baby back to doctor] "Well give me the one that she did make then..."

(Sorry, completely stole this from a video some other dude made. But had to share it, as I thought it was hilarious...!)

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LostBoyNav
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2021
🚨︎ report
A man who had just died was delivered to the mortuary wearing a beautiful black suit.

The mortician asked the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit he’s already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says β€œI don’t care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.” The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, β€œwhatever this costs I’m very satisfied, you did an excellent job and I’m incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?” To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says β€œthere’s no charge.” Shocked she replies β€œno really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.” β€œHonestly ma’am”, the mortician says, β€œit costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.”

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PaladinDanza
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.

The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!

πŸ‘︎ 15k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sierrasport
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I went knife shopping today but returned empty handed. None of them made the cut
πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2018
🚨︎ report
My Dad once handed me a phone made of ice

I asked what it was for, he shrugged and said "I don't know. Think it's a cold caller."

πŸ‘︎ 69
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2017
🚨︎ report
A little story of a dadjoke that drove my wife crazy

When we were Christmas shopping for our kids, we went to target. After walking around for a while I got bored and eventually found a bouncy ball. It was a small inflatable basketball about tennis ball sized and being inflated instead of solid rubber, it made a louder noise when it hit the ground.

We were walking around and I was bouncing the ball. My wife got visibly irritated at the constant noise following her around and told me to please put it down. I bounced it again and said "I'm trying, but every time I do, it comes back up into my hand"

Que the groan.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Piratey_Pirate
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
🚨︎ report
Made a payday joke to my team at work last night while handing out check stubs.

While handing out my teams paycheck stubs at work I told everyone to "Enjoy your checks while they last, you won't be getting paid for the rest of the year!"

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HobbyLobbyAtheist
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2015
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I want to be helpful
πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jmonis2
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Upon delevery

So I'm proud to say I made my first dad joke not even 5 min after my son way born.

After he came out, the doctor weighed my son. Doctor said "wow look at the size of those hands!".

Which I had to reply instantly " you know what they say about babys with big hands eh?!?" .... "big gloves" !!

To whole room cracked up and my women just sighed and said. "Really.."

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OlderNo7
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I'll stick to my ribs

A woman walked into the kitchen one day and saw, much to her horror, her husband sitting at the table with blood all over most of his face, his chest, hands, arm, and on the table. She watched for a moment, shocked, as he began pouring barbeque sauce on his arm where most of the blood was coming from.

"Stop that! What are you doing!? What happened to your arm?!" She finally managed to scream as she unjammed all the words trying to flow out at once.

Her husband looked at her with a disgusted frown and a shake of his head and replied "I've made a terrible me-steak"

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dazmo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
My dad did this earlier

He said, "I gotta P" I assumed he meant piss but he pulled out a Piece of paper that had the letter P on it and handed to me Then he said, "Now you gotta P"

I'm still laughing

Edit: he did this and in front of my family and made me laugh my ass off

πŸ‘︎ 177
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ch4rg3_t0_100_b0i
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Itsy Bitsy Spider β€” Dad version

Use this nursery rhyme to play "scary/gross monster" with your tyke:

"The itsy bitsy spider climbed into Mia's mouth
Down to her ears and crawling in and out!
Out through her nose and tickled with her legs,
She made Mia sneeze her brains to scrambled eggs!

achoo splat bleah"

Substitute $name for Mia.

Spider hand chases while Dad reclines on bed. Tyke busily baits and counterattacks.

I dunno whether this qualifies as a Dad joke, but my wife hated it until she saw how much my daughter liked it. I feel like that fits the spirit of Dadness. For maximum results, send your wife the poem first.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LeoLittlebook
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick.

She still isn’t talking to me.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2018
🚨︎ report
I just called my grandpa for Fathers Day. He told me this silly Corona Virus joke.

Grandpa: Are you being safe with this Corona Virus issue?

Me: of coarse!

Grandpa: Very good, make sure you always have a mask on outside and carry a bunch of sand with you!

Me: I always have a mask on but why do I need sand?

Grandpa: You didn't hear about the sand? Its very effective! Wherever you suspect the virus is hiding, you grab a handful of sand and throw the sand at it to stone the virus to death!

I love my grandpa lol made me laugh

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend just dad joked me.

Her: I was thinking about making a belt out of watches.

Me: Oh yea? That would look really cool!

Her: Nah, I realised it'd be a waist of time.

Needless to say, she's a keeper (of time)

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RadiatorSam
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2015
🚨︎ report
I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, β€œConstipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said β€œNo, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, β€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, β€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. β€œTaken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kinjago
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Some of the gem's of Steven Wright

The work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

1 Β  - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2Β Β  - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3Β Β  - Half the people you know are below average.

4Β Β  - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6 Β  - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7Β Β  - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 Β  - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.

9 Β  - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first, you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is a place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first, you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ksbalaji
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I hit the nurse with this one

I went with my parents to see my uncle who was just transferred to my university's hospital.

The nurse walks in and starts talking to us. Somehow the topic of genetics came up and she said "huh, I guess you got the good genes then!"

I looked down and pulled at my jeans. "I guess they're alright."

She rolled her eyes, smiled, and then let out a laugh. My dad was cracking up in the other corner of the room. I think I made him proud.

πŸ‘︎ 200
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Emperor_of_Cats
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2015
🚨︎ report
HOO won this pun battle
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Nay2003
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2017
🚨︎ report
Three little pigs

Once upon a time there were three little pigs, Pork Chop, Hambone, and Bacon.

The boys lived at home with their mother. One day their mother said, β€œI no longer have enough food to feed you boys, you need to go out on your own and find your fortunes.”

Not wanting to upset their mother they left the house together to seek their fortunes.

Several miles into their journey Bacon, the little pig everyone liked best, said, β€œLet’s build our houses here! This seems like a great place to start making our fortunes.”

Pork Chop and Hambone agreed. So they all began building their houses.

Pork Chop, the laziest of the bunch, decided to build his house out of straw, which he apparently stole from a nearby field. It was not a very sturdy building material, but Pork Chop didn’t care. All he wanted to do was play all day, and he didn’t want to spend too much time building.

Hambone was willing to work a bit harder and he decided to build his house out of sticks which he procured by de-limbing every tree within a 300 meter radius of their homestead.

Hambone and Pork Chop were happy. Now all they had to do was to play and sleep the rest of the day.

Now Bacon was a hard worker. He knew that his brothers had used bad materials and shoddy construction methods and he wanted to build the best house he could. He found several tons of bricks stacked in neatly ordered pallets in the forest which he decided to use for his building material. It took him several days, but when he was done Bacon had the best house on the homestead.

The next day a wolf, Scott Howard, happened upon the pig brothers and their new homestead. He spied the straw house and smelled Pork Chop inside and began to think to himself that Pork Chop would make a mighty fine meal, so Scott went and knocked on the door.

Scott said, β€œLittle Pig! Little Pig! Let me in!”

Pork Chop replied, β€œNo way JosΓ©! Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin!”

Scott, undeterred by the reply says, β€œThen I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your crappy straw house to the ground!”

Scott began to huff and puff. He was evidently having some sort of asthma attack, but after a few tugs from his handy dandy rescue inhaler, he was able to muster enough wind to blow Pork Chops straw house to the ground.

Pork Chop narrowly escaped Scott’s massive jaws. Scared, and now homeless, Pork Chop ran for the nearest shelter he could see. Hambone’s house.

Scott, undeterred, chased Pork Chop to his new hiding place. Scott was very pleas

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RageMonster17
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
🚨︎ report
There was once a priest who went to see the world after taking his oath....

After many years of wandering, he finally arrived in a small village in the middle of nowhere. The people there believed in the same religion as he did, but they had no church; they had to go to the nearest one which was in a small town 25 km's from there. The priest took the initiative, asked the Church for support, and with the help of the local men they built their own temple. From there on, he was celebrating the Sunday masses, joining together men and women in Holy Matrimony, and saying prayers at the funerals.

Many years passed by like that.

At the end of an ordinary mass, in early spring, on a chilly Sunday morning he was just guiding the people out of the church, was about to close the gates when an unknown man stepped into the churchyard.

With his dirty and torn clothes, he stood before the priest and said:

  • Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was a good man, and even though he thought the request was a bit strange, he went back to the rectory, took out a lemon, cut it in half, took it back to the man and gave it to him, who looked back to the priest with gratitude. However, the priest was curious. He asked:

  • Son, why do you need this half of a lemon? - with a fright on his face, and before the priest could have said a thing, he rushed out of the churchyard gate and took off.

A week later, around the same time, when the priest was leaving the church, he found himself in front of the same man in the churchyard. The man said:

  • Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was surprised by the appearance of the man and his strange request. Of course he was good, went back to the rectory, and brought the half lemon. Placed it in the stranger’s hand and immediately he asked:

  • Here it is, my dear son, but please tell me why do you need this half a lemon? - the man was obviously frightened and immediately ran away but the priest was not sluggish either and ran after him. He wasn’t in a very good condition, he has never run so much and so fast before so he was out of breath by the end of the village, almost fainted. He thought the strange man might appear again next week, and it would be nice if he could keep up with him, so he spent his week working on his cardio. It turned out to be a good idea, because as he thought, the stranger entered the churchyard on Sunday. The priest didn’t even wait for the request, he was good, and brought the half lemon. He received these words from the man:

  • Thank you

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 66
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Doty152
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a tree thats made out of hands?

A palm tree

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Porterhouse_27
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a dog that’s made of hands?

A Palmeranian!

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2018
🚨︎ report
I seriously have to stop dropping things.

It’s really been getting out of hand.

πŸ‘︎ 47
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Why are communist jokes so funny?

Everyone gets it.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bryce-I-guess
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2018
🚨︎ report
I made a belt out of old watches.

It was a waist of time.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mchicke
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2016
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 76
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
My math teacher is a dad

Girl in class: This is stupid

Teacher: that was mean

Girl: I'm very blunt

Teacher: well you're not very sharp

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bakuj1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2013
🚨︎ report
Did you know that lenses for glasses are produced from a lens grinding machine?

More importantly, did you hear about the guy who got his hand caught in one?

It really made quite the spectacle.

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2019
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.