I really get a kick out of it

I turn to her and say “I bet he don’t have the guts to do that again”

Edit: holy shit y’all this blew up. Thank you master dads. I feel worthy

Student: "Sir, someone nutted on the floor!"

Me: *Begins to get angry* *Turns around... there's a hex nut on the floor*

Me: "Well played."

Abracadabra you are a sandwich

Luckily the neighbor hit me with a few good jokes as we got home! Cheered me right up!

We're currently filming the pilot

Does this make me a faux pa?

You must be a Simpson then.

I have had a Canon printer for years.

Lumberjack: and you will dialogue

I’ve just handed in my Too weak notice.

then he responded, "And you will dialogue!"

What does the Pink Panther say when he knocked over an ant hill?

Dead ant... dead ant... dead ant dead ant dead ant... dead ant dead ant....

Something bad is going to happen.

I can feel it.

"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."

It's about thyme

What a revolting response to a gift. I was stunned.

It’s my longest running joke of the year so far...

It seems that no matter how hard they try, they just can’t-elope

And they aren't willing to sell me any of their yard.

But not as a full-time job, just as a way to make hens meet.

Leave me the Fuh Cologne

Haven't laughed in two years.

I guess congratulations are in order, because I’ve played myself.

I said, “But wait, I can change!”

Not too sure what to do in the Mean Time.

and I can't put it down !

It’ll be my Civic duty.

Working title is "The Sawshark Redemption"

I told him they were the letters of recommendation.

It’s impossible to put it down.

I’m just always down on one knee

The lumberjack looked up at the tree and paused saying "well, you may be a talking tree, but I'll see that you die a log!"

If everyone’s ok with that

I find them quite re-markable

"Yeah…" she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…"

Its going to be called The Brible.

The therapist looked at him calmly and said, "I'm with another client. I'll deal with you later."

Not sure what it said but it just felt funny

True dad that man!!

Going cheep.

I own the damn thing!

So it can lift me up and make my day better.

I tried to OC.

Would you like a few shares of my hedge fund?

“I just ate spicy food, son.”

But the truth is, I've a terrible sense of direction.

I always get lost in my thoughts.

If you can't come let me know

I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?

So I told him it might not mean much to you but it does to me.

I find it very EARie.

The other day I told them I was going to do an imitation of Batman, so I started off with:

"Argh… kryptonite, getting weaker…"

"THAT'S SUPERMAN!" a student in the back row yelled

"Thanks man, I've been practicing a lot", I replied.

When they ask, "So, what do you do for a living?" I just say, "Oh, you know... stuff."

Lumberjack: "Well, I guess you will dialogue."

... I mean, how can you turn that one down!

I just don’t know how far it would set me back

I dust can’t sand it.

It's called He Who Smelt it Dealt it

I fear the wurst.

It's Trudeau

Over there it’s “Der Tee”

It keeps asking me, ‘Where do you want to go?'

So I click on the icon that says ‘Home’ and then it makes me start all over again.

I didn't check though because you don't look a gift whore in the mouth.

I told him "I'm generally managing"

He told me I was bipolar

Therefore I've handed in my 'Too Weak Notice'

Any ideas?

I beg to differ

I just can't figure it out.

He really winds me up.

The policeman says “You are the lawyer!”

“Exactly, so where’s my present?” Replies the lawyer.

Oh, that's easy, said the doctor: you're two tents. (too tense)

I'm having reservation reservation reservation. (BR)

'it's a coughy filter.'

Cantaloupe

Lumberjack: yes, and you will dialogue

The lumberjack then said: "And you will dialogue."

I’m currently filming the pilot.

If everyone’s okay with that.

If everyone’s okay with that

It's impossible to put it down.

It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne"