I want to tell jokes that people have never heard!
(Sorry if this joke has been done, just heard it for the first time from a coworker and wanted to share.)
Teacher : Juan, create a sentence using the word "harmony"
Me: i tell my girlfriend that my money is harmony. We share everything together.
He replied, “Can you play far far away?”
I Scream - aaaarrrhhhhh...
Even better when actually a true story!
I wish it was a whittle faster.
I told him"If I were learning a dead language, I'd be Latin you down."
...because my teacher is sensei-tional!
Co-workers were talking about going to a beer tasting this weekend. Here is how the conversation unfolded.
Coworker 1: They are show casing pale ales this time.
Coworker 2: When is their ales and stouts tasting?
CW1: Oh it was last weekend.
CW2: Damn, a stout sounds so good right now.
Me: Man, sounds like you really miss-stout.
Deafening silence.
Dad: what is the lunchmeat that tastes like hot dogs?
Me: bologna?
Dad: this isn't bologna, son, but a serious question.
I don’t know why
I replied, "Tell him, he's bloody good. I don't have any kids."
I told her she would roux the day.
(sorry bad English)
I learned next to nothing.
He said “Fine, suit yourself.”
Twice dragons.
Update: honestly thank you everyone, you guys are totally making this kids day! Distance learning in kindergarten has been rough and he misses seeing his friends pretty hard, so when I told him about this (I was able to use “Wreck-It Ralph : Ralph breaks the Internet” and buzz tube with likes/hearts as a reference) he’s been smiling from ear to ear nonstop since! A million thankyou‘s for the kind words and awards.
It's a touchy subject
How else will you learn fission.
Sign Language
then you're a simpson.
It's a step by step guide
I asked her if she was also learning about ancient Friars.
Dog 2 - What in the world is Moo Moo? Dog 3 - I'm learning a foreign language!
It’s a real combing-of-age story.
Her: "You're a pretty strong swimmer"
Me: "Yeah but I never learned butterfly stroke"
Her: "Butterfly? You just...wing it"
We both looked at each other and snickered like children.
Title Edit: "My wife and I were talking"*
They really need to learn to re-spec their elders
1st cow: What do you mean, baaaaa? Don't you mean moooo?
2nd cow: I'm learning a foreign language.
(Once read that in some joke book)
Trouble-soothing.
My son loves this one with online learning. I only had to explain to him what troubleshooting was 4 times!
Mostly beef, chicken, and vegetable.
One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
My baby cousin was learning his french numbers during quarentine and he got quite good. They really cinq in
.. you'll just have to learn to be a little patient.
50 Cent featuring Nickelback!
I keep telling them that it’s a radical language
An infantry
Side note: I will be a first time father at the end of March. I am proud to join the dad joke ranks, my wife and son will learn to appreciate the content from this subreddit 😬
Once upon a time there were numerous tribes in a jungle. Each tribe struggled to survive, and over time and as skills evolved, tribes began to trade goods with each other. One tribe learned the skills of architecture, and traded designs for safe grass houses with neighboring tribes for other necessities, such as food. Over time, the tribe grew quite rich, and without the need for goods the chief of the tribe demanded payment in the form of a tribute, an ornate throne. Over time the number of thrones the chief owned grew more and more numerous, so he had a great multi-story grass house built to store all of his thrones. One day, the weight of the thrones became so much the house collapsed, killing the chief. The moral of the story is… wait for it…
He who lives in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.
Me: When did my resume learn to talk?
My daughter wanted to make brownies.
She went to the kitchen and discovered that there was no box of mix.
I pointed to the cookbook and said you need to learn to think outside the box.
He replied that he was working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum and steel under a constrained environment."
I was impressed...Upon further inquiry, I learned that he was washing dishes, with hot water, under his wife’s supervision.
Until I learned it wasn’t the Alabama kind.
We recently discovered mice in our pantry. Everyone’s advice? Get a cat. Apparently they are stone cold killers.
We made some calls and learned from our vet that they had two cats that need to be rehomed. I agreed to take them sight unseen. I think it’s a boy and girl but I don’t actually know. We pick them up next week.
We want to instill the right spirit into our mercenaries by naming them after famous murderers, but want to lighten the mood with puns.
So far we have come up with Jeffrey Paw-er but we are certain our Reddit friends can do better. We need male and female options. I understand one cat is black and the other is a brown mix.
We need help coming up with names, anyone up for the challenge??
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit ➡he gets two worms, puts one in vodka, and one in water. The worm in vodka dies in 20 minutes, while the worm in water survives 3 whole days. the man asks his son, "what did you learn today?" and the son responds "never bathe in alcohol"
Stupid firemen
I just don't know why !
I learned next to nothing.
