In the control tower they lost track of a flight going from Helsinki to Stockholm

The plane had disappeared in Finnair

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πŸ‘€︎ u/clascali
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2022
🚨︎ report
Lost track of which kite was mine at the park yesterday

They were all in da skies

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πŸ‘€︎ u/suedestacks
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2022
🚨︎ report
I lost my watch yesterday

I can't tell you how long I spent looking for it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stylesmckenzie
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2022
🚨︎ report
A list of over 350 Dad Jokes!

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. β€œI’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. β€œSorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. β€œYou’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. β€œWe don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. β€œWhy not?” one yogurt asks. β€œWe’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, β€œWhat are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, β€œIt’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, β€œWhat’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, β€œArrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, β€œI don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbersβ€”some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bugasum
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2022
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The woman getting on the train in front of me lost her shoe onto the track as she clumsily clambered aboard. I asked her how she was...

She told me it was sole destroying

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rmcg84
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2018
🚨︎ report
I was walking by a criminally insane asylum in Mexico, one of the inmates in the yard had on a train conductor hat.

The gaurd said he had a loco motive.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasinks
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2022
🚨︎ report
The Snail Trials

One day a father and son got recruited into this race where they had to overcome a challenge: build a small toy boxcar that is only powered by an animal. It would be them and another team. The other team was lucky, they had hamsters as pets so naturally chose those. All this son and father had were fish and some small snails.

They got to designing and the irony of using snails for a fast car was not lost on them but they persevered. They discovered that the race track would be down the town hill. They got thinking and discovered that the slime trail the snails left was quite slick so they decided they would grease the cars axles with the slime and it was phenomenal how fast their car would go but they still doubted it would beat the other team. After all they had hamsters AND gravity.

The day of the race came and they saw that the other team had hooked up their hamster wheel to the axels and dangled some lettuce in front. Oh how fast those hamsters ran! Disappointment hung heavy on the father and son but they continued to apply those snails to the axles. The officials came by and marked the racers: an H for hamster and an S for snail. People placed bets and sniggered at how easy of a bet it was. Everybody held chips marked H for the clear winner except the father and son who held seemingly the only S tokens in the crowd. Still the father and son applied those snails to those axles on that S-marked racer.

The time of the race had come! The pistol shot and the cars went. H was in the lead easily right after the pistol. After all, hamsters are excellent accelerators. But something miraculous happened. At the very last moment S caught up, the snail slime finally working it's magic. In the last 50 feet it seemed the snails would win! As they gained and gained the father and son began jumping and whooping and as the snails and the hamsters approached within throwing distance of the finish line the son couldn't contain his excitement and yelled out

"S Car, Go!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrSunshoes
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2022
🚨︎ report
My grandfather grew up in a small town.

His best friend, Roy, was known around town for having an adventurous streak that a small town just couldn't satisfy. Roy yearned to travel the world, to rub shoulders with the well-to-do, and to squeeze every drop of excitement he could out of life. While most young folk in town, my grandpa included, were resigned to their lot, Roy was driven by his dream. He worked incredibly hard, taking every hired-hand and handy-man job he could find. He would walk five miles each way to clean a gutter if there was a nickel to be made. His hometown was always spotless, because Roy would pick up every glass bottle he saw to get the deposit back, and every can he found would get turned in for recycling.

The years stretched on. Grandpa settled down with his high school sweetheart in a one-room cottage and had my dad, and not much else. Roy kept hurrying from one job to the next, never spending a dime on a date. Everyone would just roll their eyes and quietly gossip about how poor Roy's obsession was robbing him of a real life.

One day, Roy showed up at Grandpa's house, all decked out in a brand new khaki safari kit, complete with helmet, binoculars, and elephant gun, and announced that he had finally saved up enough for passage to Africa to go big game hunting. He was especially proud of the fine leather boots he was sporting. "Indestructable" he called them, totally impenetrable to water, wind, and snow. No trench-foot for him while he tracked rhinos on the savannah!

Grandpa congratulated Roy on his achievement and wished him bon voyage. Over the next three months, the town felt Roy's absence. Litter lay where it fell, gutters overflowed in heavy rain, small-time farmers rose that bit earlier and bedded that bit later to cover the work Roy used to help with. Of course, the gossipers just turned their chat from how Roy needed a dose of reality to how thoughtless it was of him to just up and leave. Most folks were convinced Roy was gone for good. After all, how could he come back from such a high-falutin' adventure to his tiny, no-account hometown?

But return Roy did, and everyone crowded around at the bar to hear his account of his safari. To their surprise, Roy told them that, for all the time he had been away, he only bagged one trophy that was currently on a slow boat back. It turned out, once Roy got a close-up look at the elephants, rhinos, giraffes, gazelles, and all the fine animals of the African savannah, he lost all heart for hunting. He just couldn't imagi

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AllylTeapot
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2022
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What did the absentminded spice merchant say when he was late for his date?

I'm sorry, but I lost track of thyme

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheHibernian
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2022
🚨︎ report
I built a spice rack that wasn't big enough to hold all my spices

I lost track of all of space and thyme

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scoob1978
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I would’ve gone running today

But somewhere along the lines I lost track

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Robochimp420
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Why was the clock 10 minutes slow?

It lost track of time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jsushe01
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2017
🚨︎ report
A guy recently sued an airport because they lost his luggage

He lost his case, but much like the track star who was afraid of hurdles, he got over it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eptar
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2018
🚨︎ report
The wife walked away after this.

We were gift shopping and passed by the board games. I looked over at my wife and said "hey honey, i heard Harrison Ford loved this game". After she looked over, I showed her a white box with the name iKnow.

She growned, I laughed. She left the general vicinity and i lost track of her for a while.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dokpsy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2015
🚨︎ report
My dad the art historian

A family friend was over talking about how her grandfather was an avid gambler. She was telling us how family legend says that he lost his race track (they are very wealthy) while gambling at another race track. My dad chimes in: "I guess they probably called him Tolose Latrack (Toulouse-Lautrec) artistic facepalm

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πŸ‘€︎ u/daggysick
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2013
🚨︎ report
Loss prevention

I work Loss Prevention at my work. I have to wear a vest that says "Loss Prevention" on one side. For those who don't know what loss prevention is, my job mostly consists of creating a presence at the front of the store that deters people from stealing. I also help to track and record signs of theft.

Yesterday, a short older man walks in, leans in close to to my chest, reading my vest. He looks up and says "Loss prevention, huh? Does that mean you'll find me if I get lost?" We both shared a hearty chortle.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/captainsweaters
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2013
🚨︎ report
I misplaced my watch the other day.

I guess you could say I lost track of time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Like8catsbro
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I made dinner last night but it was late and lacked flavor.

I guess I lost track of the thyme.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joey_the_Duck
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2019
🚨︎ report
I can't find my watch.

I guess I lost track of time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Coffeechipmunk
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2017
🚨︎ report
At the bank with Dad

So I visited a museum that used to be a bank with my dad today. At some point, I lost track of him and went to find him. After a quick look around, I saw him emerge from the bathroom.

"I was wondering where you went," I commented

"Well this is a bank," he replied "so I thought I should make a deposit!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SwordOfJustice
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2013
🚨︎ report

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