My mate

An old friend of mine decided one day that he would have a go a keeping chickens. So he bought a hen house and his first chicken along with very handsome Cockerell Three weeks later his chicken had laid a clutch of eggs and the old hatched out successfully but one little chick just kept growing and growing. He took it to the vet who assured him that although rare for that particular breed there was nothing to worry about After two years this chicken was five foot nine and weighed in at ten stone three pounds. So my mate had what he thought was a brilliant idea. He hitched the chicken to the front of his car and decided he would train the chicken to pull him in the car. This went on for about a month and my mate had saved a fortune in petrol costs. Then one day as he was travelling to work the hitching rope snapped and the chicken was away up the motorway never to be seen again. My mate was distraught and stuck in the middle lane. The police eventually came out and said "What's the problem Sir?". My mate, by now in floods of tears because of his loss said "My big hens gone!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ocin400
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2021
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Who is Superman's shortest girlfriend?

Lowest Lane

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Fog

Found this on Twitter:

My pal, driving in fog, got pulled over. Cop says β€œWhat do we do when we encounter Mr Fog?”. My pal thinks β€œbetter humour him” so says β€œ We turn Mr Steering Wheel towards Mr Slow lane”. Cop says β€œNo Sir, I said β€œWhat do we do when we encounter MIST OR FOG !”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
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Why did it take so long for the chicken to cross the road?

There was no eggs-press lane!

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trsswager
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2021
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I had the nastiest,rudest,slowest cashier today.

I guess it's my own fault for using the self service checkout lane.

πŸ‘︎ 152
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k,256k, 512k and 1MB.

That was a trip down memory lane.

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
🚨︎ report
When everything is coming your way...

....you're in the wrong lane.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
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Did you hear about the guy who did acid at the female bowling league?

He took a trip down mammary lanes.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vehiclesales
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
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Tired of the cold, Superman traded the Fortress of Solitude for a house in Italy...

He invited Lois Lane to visit. Her plane was late, and she called the house to ask directions. He answered and told her:

"Take the last train to Clark's villa, and I'll meet you at the station."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RonPossible
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
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I can always identify people who have a hard time counting to 10.

They are usually ahead of me in the express lane at the grocery store.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2018
🚨︎ report
I made a righthand turn in Deadwood SD onto

Calamity Lane.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hotairduck
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2020
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Did you hear the one about the magic tractor?

After driving down the lane, it turned into a field.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rob_Haggis
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2020
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Some of the gem's of Steven Wright

The work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

1 Β  - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2Β Β  - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3Β Β  - Half the people you know are below average.

4Β Β  - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6 Β  - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7Β Β  - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 Β  - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.

9 Β  - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first, you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is a place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first, you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ksbalaji
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2020
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I hate google maps sometimes

It says "take the right lane to turn right to ...", but it doesn't tell me which lane is the right one and which lane is the wrong one.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zerio13
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad:Hey kids! We are going on vacation to East York, PA. Again This year!

Kids: aww again?

Dad: yeah, I always like taking a trip down memory lane.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2020
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Walmart is opening dental offices in some of its stores.

There will be an express lane for people with less than 12 teeth.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2019
🚨︎ report
When I think about all the boobs I’ve touched over the course of my life....

It’s like a trip down mammary lane

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vfr86
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2019
🚨︎ report
My Dad is barely is Dad

At our bowling league today one of the lanes we were bowling on stopped working. Someone said "It looks like lane 6 is dead". So I looked at my dad and brother and said "I guess we should notify its next of pin."

All I got were sighs...

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/woodlickin
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2014
🚨︎ report
Why can't Superman ever drive to the top level of the parking garage?

Because he always stays in the Lois Lane

Kill me pls

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ts84g
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Simon Says for adults

Simon Says flashing orange left turn only light, green arrow left two lane lights and red light.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pumpdawg88
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2019
🚨︎ report
(True story) You know you've read too many Dad jokes when:

I was driving along a remote highway on vacation and saw a sign that said "6 passing lanes next 35 miles", and seriously wondered why they would bother telling me about them when they were so far away.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MysteryOrange7
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2019
🚨︎ report
5 snails were racing, all with the numbers painted on themselves.

The one in the 5th lane had a poorly drawn 5 on it and took off, faster than all the others. The crowd yelled out, look at that S-car go!

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bramzz
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the Dole truck that crashed?

It was speeding down the interstate going 20 over the speed limit with a bunch of monkeys hanging off the side when suddenly it lost control and crashed, spilling the contents of it's trailer across all four lanes blocking traffic for hours.

It was bananas.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2018
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You should never let Superman do the driving...

... because he really loves that Slowest Lane

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/td941
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2019
🚨︎ report
What's the word on the street?

"Bike Lane."

credit to my friend

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/like-dinosaurs
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2019
🚨︎ report
"I'm going to move into the outside lane," said my wife, while driving on the motorway.

I said, "Technically, they're all outside lanes."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2018
🚨︎ report
Street Numbers

On my street the addresses were marked 34B,36C, 40DD.....trip down Mammary Lane.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Garyfromtucson
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2018
🚨︎ report
What is Superman's favorite street?

Lois Lane

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Godzilla_KOM
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2018
🚨︎ report
You wouldn't believe what I saw on my way home from work last night.

Okay so I get off at 4:00 and I didn't waste any time leaving the office. Shut down my computer, grabbed my keys, and I was on the road by 4:05. It had been a pretty crazy day and I was ready to get home.

As I'm driving home I notice I'm running on Empty. I probably could have made it home but I was really craving a Coca Cola so I decide to stop at the nearest gas station.

Anyways I'm filling my tank I see an old lady a few gas pumps away putting gas in her old beat up station wagon but didn't really think anything of it and just continued to enjoy my icey cold Coca Cola.

Next thing I know I see this old lady holding the gas pump nozzle spewing gas everywhere. I guess she had taken the nozzle out of the vehicle w out disengaging the automatic trigger or whatever but it went EVERYWHERE. Her car, her arms, the ground, all over the place and by the time she got that thing to stop spraying there was at least a gallon of gas everywhere.

So I immediately run over to see if she's okay and she smells like straight up gas. I gave her napkins to dry off her hands and to clean what gas was spilled on the car. She said she was okay and thanked me for my help so I leave and head home.

So now I'm a few blocks from home, driving over the last hill right before my next turn and all of a sudden, almost out of nowhere, she comes flyin past me in that same old beat up station wagon with, I shit you not, her arm CAUGHT ON FIRE. And as if that's not bad enough there are two cops right behind her in hot pursuit. So while I'm freaking out trying to pull over to the side she zooms past so fast I barely catch a glimpse of her frantically flailing her arm out the window as they all go over the hill.

At that point couldn't believe what I was seeing it was just too crazy. So I quickly get back on the road and make my way over the hill and I spot her. She's pulled over in the emergency lane. I see the same old lady being handcuffed and put in the back of the squad car.

Yeah turns out she was arrested for waiving a fire arm in public.

Β―_(ツ)_/Β―

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2015
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Here comes the tunnel.

Had the 3 kids in the back of the car while we were on the freeway in the carpool lane. As we entered a tunnel I started screaming and as we exited the tunnel I stopped. The kids all stared at me and I very calmly explained that I had carpool tunnel syndrome. Lots of rolling eyes after that.

πŸ‘︎ 137
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πŸ‘€︎ u/loomdog1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2015
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked my friend in the car.

We were driving down a country lane when all of a sudden my friend says,

'Hey look, there's a washing machine on the road.'

There was indeed a washing machine standing at the edge of the road. As we drove up to it I said,

'I'd better wash out for that.'

He groaned, I laughed.

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SeamusTheGreat
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2013
🚨︎ report
Driving down the highway, I saw a sign that said "Uneven Lanes"

I told my wife "That sign must be wrong. There are still 4 lanes."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stubob
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2015
🚨︎ report
My dad spouted this in a fit of road rage..

If I pass you on the right lane, you're not in the right lane!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ryzikx
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2017
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My smart aleck 16 year old son got me with this one the other night

Driving home from his football game and I change lanes without signaling

Him: Hey you didn't use your turn signal, you could've killed us!

Me: But I didn't, and that's what counts...

Him: No, it's the thought that counts, and I thought you were gonna' kill us

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jrafferty
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2017
🚨︎ report
Dad joked my bf while on the autobahn

We just got out of a construction zone and we were able to get into the passing lane to go faster. He mentioned that we had to go around this guy with a horse trailer. I could barely keep a straight face as I told him, "Yea, you would think with all of that horsepower, he would go faster." I couldn't stop giggling like a madwoman. He just looked at me like I was an idiot.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/auntjomomma
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2014
🚨︎ report
Dad joked my dad today

My dad and I were driving toward my house and we passed Upson lane. Without really thinking about it I said "oh there's Upson" and he said "what's Upson?" and I replied "not much dad what's up with you?"

He didn't find it nearly as amusing as I did. I thought you guys might appreciate it like I did.

Edit: typo

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/USMC0317
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2014
🚨︎ report
Where do toilets dwell?

Porcel Lane.

:)

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bonanza86
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2016
🚨︎ report
Got my mom and my sister yesterday as I was driving them to the city.

Mom: Don't you want to be in the right lane? Me: Well I don't want to be in the wrong lane that's for sure.

Sighs flooded the car

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gettysa
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2014
🚨︎ report
Fog

Found this gem on Twitter:

My pal, driving in fog, got pulled over. Cop says β€œWhat do we do when we encounter Mr Fog?”. My pal thinks β€œbetter humour him” so says β€œ We turn Mr Steering Wheel towards Mr Slow lane”. Cop says β€œNo Sir, I said β€œWhat do we do when we encounter MIST OR FOG !”

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
🚨︎ report
I walked down this street where the houses were numbered, 64K, 128K, 256K, and 1MB

That was a trip down memory lane.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
When everything is going your way..

you're probably in the wrong lane.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedCakesYT
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I recently walked down a street with the houses were numbered 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, 1mb etc

That was a trip down memory lane

πŸ‘︎ 156
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrNakamura
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2019
🚨︎ report
I walked down my old street where the houses were numbered 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k and 1MB.

It was a trip down memory lane.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CTXCI
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I walked down a street, and the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K & 1MB.

It was a trip down memory lane.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/keithasaurus
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2018
🚨︎ report
When nothing is going your way

You’re in the wrong lane!

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jhabibs
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2018
🚨︎ report

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