Dad joked by an 81-year-old woman

I had an elderly patient today who was visibly upset, almost to the point of tears. I asked her if she was worried about having her blood drawn and she said that the blood draw didn’t bother her, but that she was upset because she had hit a cat with her car on the way to her appointment this morning. She said that she didn’t know who the cat belonged to and that she had it wrapped up in a blanket in her car. I asked her how badly the cat was hurt and she said β€œI think he’s going to be alright. I just clipped the hind end of him, but his tail is just barely hanging on. After I leave here, I’m taking him straight to Wal-Mart.”

I told her that she might be better off taking the cat to a veterinary clinic instead of Wal-Mart and she said, β€œbut it’s just his tail, and Wal-Mart is the largest retailer in North America!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doc_Hooligan
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
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Paul Wahlberg owns Wahlburgers

If he owned Wal-Mart, would it be called Wahl-Mart?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/26SobbingHorses
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
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Dad's been busy

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

  1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

  2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

  3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

  4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

  5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

  6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

  7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

  8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

  9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

  10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

  11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

  12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

  13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

  14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;

'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

  1. Took a bo
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2019
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My wife has started keeping a dry-erase board labeled 'Grocery List' on the fridge, so I filled it in while she was gone this morning.
  • Kroger

  • Wal-Mart

  • Lucky's

  • Whole Foods

  • Winn Dixie

etc, etc

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chambadon
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2015
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One of the best dad jokes that I've ever heard came from my girlfriend's four year old

In Wal-mart, looking for my girlfriend, and trying to practice my spanish

I look around and say "donde estan, donde estan, donde estan", kind of thinking about this song I heard years ago.

She goes, what does "donde estan mean?"

I say, well it sort of means "where are you, or where are they? I'm looking for your mom and your sister."

Her reply was "I donde estahnd what your saying"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/civilized_animal
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2014
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Where does the dark lord get his groceries?

At the VoldeMart!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shaynasaur
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2017
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What's a house's favorite store?

Wall-mart

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhooooshCatcher
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2019
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My father, the comedian.

Joke 1:

My sister was talking with my dad about the show β€˜I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant’ and she went onto ask β€œhow do you accidentally make a person?” And without missing a beat, my father looked her dead in the eye and replied with β€œI accidentally made three.” With the most serious face I’ve seen in my life.

Joke 2:

My sister, dad, and I were in Wal-Mart one day and in passing the toys, we found those circular beanie baby things with the big eyes. So, my ever impressive father grabs a special edition Chewbacca toy, pretend bites it as though it’s an apple, and says β€œHuh, this is a... Little Chewy!”

There’s more, considering he’s a Dad, but those two stand out the most to me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/theashtonjay
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2018
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Got my Mom today in Wal-Mart

We were walking around getting stuff for my step dad's birthday and I ask if we can leave soon because I hate Wal-Mart, and she replies "No I'm not rushin" and automatically I reply "I know, we're scottish."

Context : We're americans with scottish background, if ya couldn't catch on.

QuickEdit: Wording

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πŸ‘€︎ u/InfamousChris
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2015
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Where will Trump go to buy his wall?

Wal-mart

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gn1ce
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2016
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Teacher Told Us a Dad joke in Class Today

Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife and arranging to have her killed.

A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid in part up front. The man opened up his wallet and displayed the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Wall-mart grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

Unknown to Artie, the entire proceeding were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.

And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared: "Artie chokes two for a dollar at Wall-mart."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThisisCarl
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2013
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Wife told me "you must not have slept well, you kept talking about potassium in your sleep last night."

I replied: "Do you know where I buy all my potassium?"

"no... where?"

"K-Mart"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeepSkull
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2014
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Dad joked at Wal-Mart

I was walking around Wal-Mart with my girlfriends parents and brother, and her mom and I were talking about certain brands of toilet paper.

Him: Do you know what they call people who are picky about their toilet paper? ... anal!

His wife groaned and walked away, I laughed, high fived him and continued walking and talking with him.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quixotic_Ryan
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2014
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My dad just got me....

So my family and I are at a buffet and i asked a question... Me: "When I'm done eating, do you think I can run over to K Mart really quick?" Dad: "Why don't you walk over there..." Groans were made as we continued eating..

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πŸ‘€︎ u/illestprodigy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2015
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So, my family and I were out running errands today.

While at WalMart, we were picking up some new bedding, and on the way out, I insisted that we buy a copy of Spaceballs from the DVD bin.

They asked, "Why do you want that?" I replied, "For sheets and giggles."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/anonomy_oh_my
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2015
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Cat got its tail stuck under the door...

My dad told me this one this morning: >An old lady's cat got its tail stuck under a door, and it ended up losing it. So she quickly brought the cat to Wal-Mart. Because it's the largest re-tail-er

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bocovom
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2015
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Met this awesome dude today.

I was walking through the store and nearly bumped into him so I apologized. His response follows:

"That reminds of the guy that went to Wal-Mart with his dog. He walks inside and starts swinging the dog around over his head. The manager run over screaming, 'Hey buddy what are you doing with that dog? Cut it out!' And the guy says back 'Oh you don't understand. This is my seeing eye dog. I was just taking a look around!'"

Then he walked away cackling to himself.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/alfrohawk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2014
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Friend: 'I was wearing skeleton earrings when I went to Wal-Mart at lunch, and when I walked out, I noticed 1 of them was missing'

Me: 'I know how you feel. I can't go to Wal-Mart without dropping a few bones too'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/red3biggs
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2014
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Where'd you get that shirt...

So when I was younger I used to have a belly shirt that I would wear similar to this and whenever I wore it this conversation would ensue

Dad: Hey, where'd you get that shirt?

Me: Probably Walmart or K-mart? Why?

Dad: Well you should go back and ask for the other half!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AerithFaremis
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2013
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Super Bowl Edition

Dad: Since the Seahawks came out to U2 music they will win.

Me: Wal-Mart had four copies of the Joshua Tree on vinyl. What a waste.

Dad: I'll buy one tomorrow... with or without you.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HawkandSon
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2015
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Upon hearing local woman died behind Wal-Mart, I dadjoked our group.

A friend was reading the news story aloud.

Friend: "After shopping, she wandered behind Wal-Mart where authorities found her later." Me: "So...what you're saying is, she shopped til' she dropped?"

Rolled eyes and disgruntled moans were passed all around.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/waitn2drive
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2014
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Dad joked by an 81-year-old woman

I work in a medical lab. I had an elderly patient today who was visibly upset, almost to the point of tears. I asked her if she was worried about having her blood drawn and she said that the blood draw didn’t bother her, but that she was upset because she had hit a cat with her car on the way to her appointment this morning. She said that she didn’t know who the cat belonged to and that she had it wrapped up in a blanket in her car. I asked her how badly the cat was hurt and she said β€œI think he’s going to be alright. I just clipped the hind end of him, but his tail is just barely hanging on. After I leave here, I’m taking him straight to Wal-Mart.”

I told her that she might be better off taking the cat to a veterinary clinic instead of Wal-Mart and she said, β€œbut it’s just his tail, and Wal-Mart is the largest retailer in North America!”

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doc_Hooligan
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2017
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