My deaf girlfriend just told me, βWe need to talk.β
Thatβs not a good sign.
π︎ 12k
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︎ Mar 10 2021
My therapist just told me I have extreme difficulty in picking up social cues.
I think she is in love with me.
π︎ 10k
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︎ Mar 05 2021
I just got fired, and as severance, my company gave me a bag of used coffee.
They said it was grounds for termination.
π︎ 9k
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︎ Feb 25 2021
9yo shared this one with me: What do you call a cow who just had a baby?
De-calf-inated!
Edit: it's been pointed out some people pronounce calf as cΔlf, so its taking a second. Pronounce it like decaffeinated coffee.
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︎ Feb 24 2021
My wife asked me if I could sing all the songs from the Shrek soundtrack. I said "No, just some."
"... BODY once told me..."
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︎ Mar 30 2021
Let me just slide in
π︎ 95
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︎ Mar 28 2021
My 6 year old just told me this joke... What's stronger than a fortune cookie?
π︎ 13k
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︎ Dec 21 2020
Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...
...an ether/oar situation...
π︎ 10k
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︎ Dec 28 2020
I think the girl at the Airlines check-in just threatened me.
She looked me dead in the eye and said, βWindow or aisle?β
I laughed in her face and replied, βWindow or youβll what?β
π︎ 20k
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︎ Nov 30 2020
I admit itβs a repost, but this pun is just a sin... Please let me know if you get it!!!
π︎ 65
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︎ Feb 12 2021
My boss just told me that Iβm the worst mailman he has ever seen.
Shit..l meant to post this somewhere else.
π︎ 13k
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︎ Dec 14 2020
Some guy just called me a 'Tool'.
So, I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend.
π︎ 257
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︎ Feb 21 2021
Someone just threw a jar of mayonnaise at me!
π︎ 74
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︎ Feb 16 2021
So my hotel just tried to charge me ten extra dollars for air conditioning..
π︎ 21
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︎ Mar 06 2021
My wife has just left me because of my obsession with football...
Shame really, we've only been married for 2 seasons.
π︎ 10
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︎ Mar 27 2021
My dad just came into my room and poured a whole gallon of milk on me.
π︎ 15
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︎ Mar 23 2021
I'm sick and tired of people coming into my house, trying to sell me books, and then just marching out and leaving the door wide open.
Were these people born in a Barnes and Noble or something?
π︎ 4
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︎ Mar 15 2021
Somebody just called me average.
π︎ 147
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︎ Feb 09 2021
Can anybody give me some advice to help me removing ice from my windshield? I just tried with a discount card I had In my pocket
π︎ 577
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︎ Jan 15 2021
I keep begging my wife to wear pretty dresses, but she just ignores me.
I guess she wears the pants in the relationship.
π︎ 19
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︎ Feb 27 2021
My therapist just told me that Iβm completely incapable of expressing my feelings.
Canβt say that Iβm surprised.
π︎ 21
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︎ Mar 19 2021
Iβm addicted to abusing nuns, I just canβt not hit them, the only thing thatβs worked for me is redirecting it to somebody else.
Iβm trying really hard to kick the abbot
π︎ 2
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︎ Feb 12 2021
My wife just broke up with me. She's sick and tired of my constant Zodiac puns.
It Taurus apart. I'm in Pisces typing this.
π︎ 46
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︎ Feb 03 2021
I just had a guy throw milk at me
π︎ 231
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︎ Dec 24 2020
My son just told me that he is studying Mesopotamia this term
I said βGreat, I can Babylon about it for hours!β
π︎ 44
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︎ Feb 02 2021
My daughter(7) just caught me off guard with this.
Daughter : Whats Nana's middle name?
Me: the same as mommies, I think
Daughter: her middle name is just i think?
I'm so proud. Sorry if I don't know how to format, I tried.
π︎ 329
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︎ Dec 05 2020
My son was just born and another dad at the hospital congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday.
He said, "Maybe they'll marry each other?"
"Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age."
π︎ 659
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︎ Dec 10 2020
My son just told me to stop making up things about him.
Which is strange, because I donβt have any kids.
π︎ 69
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︎ Feb 05 2021
My dog just ignores me when I call him...
Ever since he got that phone, he acts like he doesn't need ne anymore.
π︎ 7
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︎ Mar 05 2021
My GPS just told me to turn around
Now I canβt see where Iβm driving
π︎ 139
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︎ Jan 10 2021
My doctor just told me that i was color blind
that came completely out of the orange
π︎ 174
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︎ Jan 13 2021
My wife just said: "You never listen to me!"
And I thought that was a weird way to start a conversation.
π︎ 17
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︎ Feb 18 2021
My son asked me if I knew any good chemistry jokes as he'd just had his first chemistry class. I thought about telling him one about alkalinity...
But then I thought; 'Nah, too basic...'
π︎ 36
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︎ Jan 07 2021
I can't abide lending money, just the sight of an IOU note makes me furious.
I have Irritable Vowel Syndrome.
π︎ 5
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︎ Feb 25 2021
Iβm a proud dad. My daughter just told me this joke. In Hawaii, do people laugh loud?
Or is it a low ha (Aloha)
π︎ 22
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︎ Feb 02 2021
A friend of mine just said to me βIβm training to be garbage manβ
I said βYou donβt need training for that! You just pick it up as you go alongβ
π︎ 63
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︎ Dec 31 2020
Me (in UK): officer, just enquiring, are you a fan of the music of Sting?
Me: the reason why I'm asking is that you are a member of the Police
Officer: please, Don't stand so close to me
π︎ 16
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︎ Jan 17 2021
Just had about a dozen crows land in a tree near me
I'm getting real sick of this Corvid pandemic.
π︎ 3
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︎ Feb 05 2021
My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans. I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but..."
"Look at what kids your age make in China!"
π︎ 128
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︎ Dec 25 2020
I just saw Jesus & a couple of His disciples drive past me in a new car
Looks like it was a Christler
π︎ 12
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︎ Dec 29 2020
my friend just told me, 'I hope you die in a deep hole filled with water'.
π︎ 13k
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︎ Jul 26 2020
My son just handed me a coaster from a packet of Rolos
My quick reply of it being coaster celebrate was totally wasted on him, being only a toddler.
So remember, doesn't matter whether the glass is half empty or half full. When you're a dad, life is like a rolo coaster.
π︎ 2
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︎ Feb 22 2021
A midget just groped me
π︎ 10
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︎ Feb 02 2021
One of my colleagues has just told me heβs caught COVID-19 from his cat...
π︎ 33
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︎ Jan 18 2021
My deaf wife just told me we need to talk.
π︎ 23
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︎ Mar 19 2021
My father just told me a really old joke.
I told him it was a dead joke.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Mar 28 2021
My deaf girlfriend just told me that βwe need to talkβ.
That isnβt a good sign.
π︎ 131
π
︎ Jan 22 2021
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