I think the girl at the Airlines check-in just threatened me.
She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Window or aisle?”
I laughed in her face and replied, “Window or you’ll what?”
OMG... some guy just threw yogurt, cottage cheese and brie at me!
I just had a new wash basin delivered to our house for our guest bathroom, but my wife decided that she hates the design so much she won't even let me bring it in off the porch. It has been sitting by our front door for a week, A ENTIRE WEEK.
After trying for a week, the wife just told me, she's pregnant.
She has the worst stutter ever.
I posted this on r/memes a while ago and it didn't blow up or somthing. I am just so proud of this it makes me laugh every time
My therapist just told me that I'm completely incapable of expressing my feelings.
My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.
Man! That came out of nowhere!!
my friend just told me, 'I hope you die in a deep hole filled with water'.
I know this is an old one, but my dad got me with this when I was a kid and I just used it on my son (he loved it): Why do they put walls around cemeteries?
Because people are dying to get in!
He's just being humerous (made by me)
Actual joke my Dad just said to me:
Me: Urgh, my foot has fallen asleep, I hate when that happens.
Dad: That’s annoying; now it’s not going to be able to get to sleep tonight!
My wife just accused me of having zero empathy.
I don’t understand how she can feel that way.
My dad just asked me, “Do you know why dolphins swim?”
“They swim for a porpoise”
Me: Just crossed into Oklahoma. Be there soon.
My Dad: I would say OK! but...
(An actual text from my Dad bless him)
I’ve just been informed that a distant relative left me a very expensive watch in his will.
I hope it’s not a wind up
I just told a dad joke so shit my wife shouted at me and stormed off (not a joke)
She said I wish you would put as much effort into life as you do your shitty jokes. It wasnt even that bad.
The man on the news said "...in the run up to christmas stores are already announcing record sales"
I said "thats not news HMV* announces record sales everyday".
*HMV is a music shop.
I got into an argument with someone I thought was a "birds aren't real" supporter. I'm an idiot; they were just messing with me and they made some amazing bird puns along the way that deserve attention. The link to the post is in the comments so you can go give the user karma and see the context.
https://preview.redd.it/n7zvpwxkj6m51.png?width=1280&format=png&auto=webp&s=54f0549ebd3c055929698d6fef3bc05782bf5282
Just been to a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies !!!!
Is that a trick question.
My dad (67) just sent this to me. It's literally a dad joke. Some of us might not get it though I'm sure.
What does the Pink Panther say when he knocked over an ant hill?
Dead ant... dead ant... dead ant dead ant dead ant... dead ant dead ant....
Me own dad just out dad joked me.
We were discussing about things going on in America when he suddenly spurted this out.
"Soon, Trump can't get in the white house because it's for Biden."
True story: My girlfriend just asked me if I knew any good jokes about physicists (my profession). I said yes, but they were all about physicists' dating lives.
So they're pretty much all one-liners.
We have a joke calendar and we missed this week, my wife was having me guess the answers and we ended up accidentally creating this gem: what do you call a cow that was just born?
My FIL just got me with this one
I love camping because I get to eat out every night
my five year old just told me that he wasn't finished his yawn...
... i told him his yawn was expired.
(sadly, he didn't get it)
My son just asked me where I got the hilarious new dad joke from...
The other day I said "woof" to a dog but he just gave me a weird look.
I guess my accent is a little ruff.
My three year old girl asked me, "Where does poo come from?" I was a little uncomfortable but decided to give her an honest explanation, so I explained, "You just ate breakfast, yes?"
"Yes." she replied.
"Well, the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, then whatever is left over, comes out of our bottoms when we go to the toilet! And that, is poo!"
She looked a little perplexed, stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"
Some guy just said he was going to attack me with the neck of a guitar.
I said, “Is that a fret?”
The hardware store just told me they didn’t have any intermediate paint colors between green and violet.
That was out of the blue.
Just had a dealer try to sell me a piece of stone he said was from Ireland and kissed by St Patrick. When I looked underneath it said 'Made in China.'
My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
This guy just approached me and won’t leave me alone until I solve a trigonometry problem.
I don’t know what his angle is.
People ask me why I don’t go out much anymore, but I tell them it’s because I just bought a pet cow.
I have been milking that excuse for weeks now.
My ex girlfriend just left me for a ghost named Kevin.
She's no longer my ghoul friend.
(this actually happened, i just wanted to make the situation lighter)
A cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes.
Wtf??? My dogs don't even own bikes
Me: Honey, did you recycle the old computer, or just throw it in the trash?
My boyfriend: Neither. I put it on the .com-post.
My son Tiberius just came up to me and said "can I have a book Mark?"
....and I burst into tears 🤣. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Memphis.
A girl just approached me and said she knew me from vegan club
But i swear ive never seen herbivore
For me, the urge to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is always just a whim away...
...a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away...
The doctor just told me I only have the most common blood type, so I told him
My son just told me his first dad joke. He's 8, so go easy.
Son: what did the fig say to the table?
Me: I don't know, what did the fig say to the table?
Son, angry voice: Hey! I'm asking the questions here. You FIG-ure it out.
Edit: thanks for the silver, I'll tell the boy in the morning!
Edit 2: explained to my son about the up votes and awards. When he heard that someone spent real money to congratulate him for the joke, he said he bets it was his grandparents. He's excited y'all enjoyed it.
My therapist just told me that I’m completely incapable of expressing my feelings.
Some guy just approached me and refused to leave until I solve a trigonometry problem.
I have no idea what his angle is.
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