I admit it’s a repost, but this pun is just a sin... Please let me know if you get it!!!
Me (in UK): officer, just enquiring, are you a fan of the music of Sting?
Me: the reason why I'm asking is that you are a member of the Police
Officer: please, Don't stand so close to me
my friend just told me, 'I hope you die in a deep hole filled with water'.
My 5 year old just got me with this one: What do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman?
I got into an argument with someone I thought was a "birds aren't real" supporter. I'm an idiot; they were just messing with me and they made some amazing bird puns along the way that deserve attention. The link to the post is in the comments so you can go give the user karma and see the context.
https://preview.redd.it/n7zvpwxkj6m51.png?width=1280&format=png&auto=webp&s=54f0549ebd3c055929698d6fef3bc05782bf5282
Now you just wait there a damn second friend.. a little birdie has just informed me that you are in fact a mime
My dad just asked me, “Do you know why dolphins swim?”
“They swim for a porpoise”
We have a joke calendar and we missed this week, my wife was having me guess the answers and we ended up accidentally creating this gem: what do you call a cow that was just born?
My three year old girl asked me, "Where does poo come from?" I was a little uncomfortable but decided to give her an honest explanation, so I explained, "You just ate breakfast, yes?"
"Yes." she replied.
"Well, the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, then whatever is left over, comes out of our bottoms when we go to the toilet! And that, is poo!"
She looked a little perplexed, stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"
Me: Honey, did you recycle the old computer, or just throw it in the trash?
My boyfriend: Neither. I put it on the .com-post.
Wife: “Did you just make up that joke?” Me: “No, I....”
“...learned it from an American social news aggregation, web content rating, and discussion website that I can’t remember the name of.”
My wife just told me, “I can’t find my datebook. I’ve looked for it everywhere. Have you seen it?”
Me: It seems like....you have a hidden agenda.
My neighbour was a selling a speaker system for just $1. When I asked him why it was so cheap he told me that you cant adjust the sound, the volume is stuck at the loudest setting.
I said "Wow, I cant turn that down"
My wife just hit me with a dad joke: "Hey, you wanna hear a joke about pizza?"
"Sure"
"Nah, it's too cheesy..."
"Did you just stand there watching me fall and drop all the laundry?"
"Yes, I watched it all unfold"
My jackass husband just hit me with this one. Pretend you are on a boat surrounded by sharks. How do you survive?
Doctor: You have a severe iron deficiency. Me: How did you know? I just walked in!
Doctor: Your shirt is all wrinkled.
Just PowerPoint me in the direction you want to go and I will Excel at getting us there.
My wife turned and looked at me screaming, "Did you hear what I just said?!"
Seriously! Who starts a conversation like that?
My wife just told me, “Why don’t you write a book instead of your stupid word play jokes?”
I said, “That’s ...... a novel idea.”
Girlfriend: Your boss just called to tell me you’re fired, so I brought you your favorite soy sauce.
Boyfriend: Oh, sure! Kikkoman when he’s down!
My dad just handed me a pig in a blanket Dad: Would you care for one of these
Me: Only if it needed me..
The waiter said to me, “I just want to let you know that kids eat for free.”
I exclaimed, “Good! I’ll take a water and some chicken nuggets and my daughter will have a steak and a kids Bud Light.”
Dad: (Smiling while filling out paperwork at the DMV) Son: Dad, why are you smiling? The DMV sucks! Dad: Let's just say your mom probably won't let me run errands anymore...
Her: what took you long? Me: you dont say. I just had a chat with our son bout how he should be wearing a proper underwear instead of diapers,
It was just a brief discussion.
My five-year-old just asked me what my name is and I told him "You know what my name is."
He replied, "Your name is 'You know what my name is'?"
I've never been prouder.
True story: my daughter was playing a pet-salon game on her iPad and said to me: "Hey dad, I've just worked out that if you just brush their teeth over and over you get experience points faster." To which I replied: "You shouldn't grind your teeth."
My coworker just told me, “That’s a nice-ass shirt you are wearing!”
I said, “They are called pants, not ass shirts.”
If you need an ark, just hit me up cuz I Noah guy.
Not a joke per se, but definitely fits - I texted my daughter "in a bottle" and then waited for her to ask "what's this I don't get it. How come out of the blue you just randomly send me the message 'in a...' ... I hate you"
Had potential to misfire but worked perfectly.
Also, the other day my wife left a Monster energy drink under her bed, and we waited for her to come and ask "ok who put this monster under my bed?"
I went into my favorite bar and asked for a Bud.The bartender, we'll call her Penny, say's you have to tell me who makes it first.Kinda stumped I said Anheiser Busch.She said "just fine,and hows your dick."
Me: What did you do at work today? Dad: Just did some shitty design. Me: Can I see it? Dad:
"Hey I just met you and this is crazy but here's my number so call me maybe"
"Hi maybe, but I'm not 'I just met you and this is crazy so here's my number', I'm dad"
My six-year-old daughter just delighted me with a completely original pun: What do you call it when you have to go inside at the end of the day?
Just wanted to show you guys how happy this sub makes me...
https://i.imgur.com/Qf9AcxG.jpg
The first one says “bro give me up please” just in case you don’t understand my handwriting
I work in a nursing home. A diabetic schizophrenic I always give sugar free life savers to just said, "You haven't brought me any damn candy all day!" I replied, " I just got here, you need to be patient."
She said,"I am a damn patient!!"
So my friend just told me about a watch you can attach to your belt.
Nah, just a waste of time.
My daughter just told me this one. "What do you call a cat that owns a house?"
Does anyone else say, "Come in" when someone knocks on the bathroom door while you are on the toilet...not sure if that's a dad thing or just me...
My wife said, "If one day you want to run away, just let me know."
Turns out she meant together.
My daughter just dad-joked the shit out of me with "Did you hear about the kidnapping?"
"Everything was fine, he woke up a couple hours later."
You won’t believe what this vegetable farmer just told me
While at Weinerschnitzel a young man who was clearly stoned stepped behind me in line. She wore a shirt that read "I'm just saying you've never seen me and Batman in the same room before."
Before he ordered I turned to him and said "I'm just saying you've never seen a dinosaur and a hotdog in the same room before." The look on his face was priceless
My wife just told me that you can strain curdled milk, then use the resulting liquid as a food additive! I was like, "no way!"
Dad: cmon son just try some. Son: Dad, why do you want me to try this chapstick so bad???
Dad: because it’s the balm!
I told my son today, "Here's something you might not have known about me, I can cut wood by just looking at it."
He replied, "I don't believe you, but would you care to elaborate?"
I answered, "Its true! I saw it with my own eyes!"
Doctor: I think you have severe iron deficiency. Me: How do you know?? I just walked in!
Doctor: Your clothes are all wrinkled.
The doctor said to me, “You have a severe iron deficiency.” Baffled, I asked, “How do you know? I just walked in!”
He sighed, “Your shirt is all wrinkled.”
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