Just got a ps5 for my kids.
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︎ Oct 29 2020
Kid just got me with this one
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Owlsays
Owlsays who?
Yeah, thats exactly what an owl says!
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︎ Dec 13 2020
I know this is an old one, but my dad got me with this when I was a kid and I just used it on my son (he loved it): Why do they put walls around cemeteries?
Because people are dying to get in!
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︎ Nov 30 2020
Just happened. My kids are running around blowing a party noise marker. My wife's sister says " it sounds like an elephant in there"
I look up, straight faced, and calmly reply, "yeah, we don't talk about that.."
My wife buried her face for a good minute.. I'm proud of that one.
EDIT: I showed my wife how many ppl thought this was funny and she told me to say "please don't encourage him" .. :)
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︎ Jan 29 2020
My kid just threw a tantrum.
I'm not sure where it landed. It might be lost.
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︎ Oct 24 2020
[META] Dad jokes should be clean, not just groan-inducing. That's what makes it a Dad joke, we can tell it to the kids in front of Mom and not get in trouble (other than maybe for the punchline).
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︎ Oct 29 2019
My kid just told me I looked different with my glasses on
I thought that was the whole point of them.
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︎ Aug 01 2020
Just taught my 6yr old calculus and advanced physics. Amazing what kids can learn.
Which happens to be jack shit.
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︎ Oct 24 2020
My brother and I were just reminiscing about the herb garden our family had when we were kids.
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︎ Aug 19 2020
I just won a teddy bear making competition with my kids.
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︎ Sep 13 2020
Just heard a grocery store manager telling off a young guy on the checkout. βWhyβd you ask that woman with kids for ID? What was she buying?β
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︎ Sep 19 2020
My kid just peed on my bed. And I shouted
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︎ Sep 01 2020
Just caught my kid eating mayonnaise out of the jar...
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︎ Jun 14 2020
My wife just yelled at the kids βwho got into the peanut butter
Me: probably a bunch of nuts
I was the only one who laughed.
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︎ Apr 04 2020
My wife just informed me that βterrible twoβ refers to a kids in a specific developmental stage
And all this time thatβs how I always referred to my two kids at all times
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︎ May 27 2020
Today is my 42nd birthday. I just announced to my kids that ... finally ...
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︎ Jan 23 2020
We just threw my kidβs history teacher a birthday party.
I still donβt think he likes the present.
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︎ Jan 22 2020
I just accidentally sucked up one of my kid's alphabet fridge magnets in the vacuum
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︎ Feb 22 2020
Returning home from the barber, had a true old man moment today. My kid: βHey dad, did you just get a hair cut?β
βNo son, I got them ALL cut!β
The cycle is complete. I have become my father.
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︎ Sep 03 2019
I just saw a kid in the hospital that got his left arm amputated
βIs he ok?β
βHeβs all right.β
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︎ Feb 09 2020
I just took my kids out tobogganing.
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︎ Nov 23 2019
My kid doesn't know about the Existence of birds, so She just calls them ''Things''
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︎ Dec 30 2019
Kid just got me #dadjoke #proud
Me: yall never eat fish
Kid: yes we do, we eat fish all the time
... GOLD FISH
(Talking about the cracker fish)
They got me!! Lol
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︎ Feb 07 2020
My kid just told me sheβs scared of Santa.
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︎ Dec 09 2018
My kid just got fired from his coat check job.
He couldnβt get the hang of it.
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︎ Dec 12 2019
The waiter said to me, βI just want to let you know that kids eat for free.β
I exclaimed, βGood! Iβll take a water and some chicken nuggets and my daughter will have a steak and a kids Bud Light.β
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︎ Oct 02 2019
As a kid I thought blackholes were really fascinating now they just suck.
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︎ May 26 2019
My problematic teen kid just fled across the border
He really crossed the line this time!
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︎ Dec 24 2019
Just finished watching Frozen 2 with my kids. I am convinced a Dad came up with the plot.
Because the moral of the story is >!"Everything will work out in the end... once you deal with the Dam problem!"!<
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︎ Nov 26 2019
Gordan Ramsey just had his fifth kid
I guess we found something he likes raw
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︎ Apr 11 2019
Some kid just threw a lump of cheddar at me...
I thought "that's not very mature "
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︎ Nov 23 2018
Every time we go past a railroad crossing, I always tell my kids, "Hey, a train just went by!" They grudgingly ask, βHow do you know daddy?β
βBecause its tracks are still here!β
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︎ Apr 11 2018
In the south, we like our kids just how like our burgers...
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︎ Sep 19 2018
[meta] Does anyone else spend 15 minutes explaining things to their kids just to tell a 5 second joke?
Or is it just me? My eldest is 8 but I still had to show him what a zippo was before I laid the hippo/zippo one on him.
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︎ Jul 11 2018
Iβve just been looking at our ceiling, kids, and while I wouldnβt say itβs the best in the worldβ¦
Itβs definitely up thereβ¦
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︎ Jul 25 2017
They neighborhood kids just started a band! Theyβre calling themselves 924mb.
Theyβre good, but they donβt have a gig yet.
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︎ Jan 19 2019
I didn't think we'd ever have kids, but my boyfriend may have just changed that with his groantastic dadjoke.
I was playing with his hair and I wondered out loud what he'd look like with extremely short or buzzed hair.
He said, "Well I shaved my head once and didn't like it."
"Yeah but you didn't have a beard back then. I wonder if you could pull it off now."
"Well, I'd probably just cut it off."
......
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︎ Oct 23 2014
My kids just got a new puppy that is scared of every appliance in the house, and one in particular. I suggested they name him βNature.β
Because nature abhors a vacuum
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︎ Dec 23 2018
Police were just at my house. Tried to tell me my dog was chasing a kid on a bike.
I just closed the door because my dog doesnβt even have a bike.
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︎ Dec 30 2018
My friend just had three kids! He asked me what to name them. I said βJames, Charles and Li Zhaoβ He asked me why the last one was Li Zhao. So I said βBecause every 3rd person born in this world is Chinese
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︎ Apr 23 2019
Kids just donβt appreciate dad jokes.
12 year oldβs fishing on a video game. I asked if he was fishing for something specific. He said no. I said βSo youβre just fishing for the halibut?β
He just shook his head sadly. Kid doesnβt know what heβs missing. Iβm freaking hilarious!
Follow up: I told him I was heartbroken that he didnβt like my joke. He said it was too cheesy. I said it may be fishy but it certainly wasnβt cheesy.
Sometimes itβs mom that has the best dad joke.
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︎ Nov 06 2018
My kid just stacked some letter blocks like so:
F
F
U
T
S
S
I
H
T
You couldn't make this stuff up.
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︎ Jan 19 2019
My kids hate it when I sing my favorite Michael Jackson song, but I just can't help it
...because I'm Dad! I'm Dad! You know it!
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︎ Apr 24 2018
Just got home and my kids have lice
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︎ Apr 30 2018
Just witnessed a dad walking with his kids back to their car...
The kids were between four and eight years old and were claiming their spots in the car.
"I'm in the front!" said the boy.
"I'm in the back!" said the girl.
"I'm in the front!" said the dad.
The kids didn't get it but I overheard and had a quiet chuckle.
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︎ Aug 11 2018
I just took my kids out skiing.
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︎ Nov 26 2019
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