Wife mad. Construction of new house has stalled - builder has just walked off the job. Early on, we had a series of increasingly heated discussions about costs, but I thought we'd settled the money question. But now it seems the final straw is a disagreement we have over the price of the chimney...
I am insisting that the chimney has to be on the house... but that builder, what he wants is just through the roof!
In honor of Mother’s Day, I’d just like to say,
“thank you for your cervix.”
I just received a scam text saying I'd won £1000 cash or two tickets to an Elvis tribute night.
It says press 1 for the money or 2 for the show
I just filled the car up with petrol didn't notice I'd spilled some on my sleeve, going down the road I lit a ciggy and my sleeve burst into flames, so I opened the window and stuck my arm out to try and blow out the flames.
The Police pulled me and are now arresting me for having a fire arm without a license…
I recently asked my Uncle, who has been a lawyer for forty years, what kind of advice he'd give someone just starting out. He looked at me and he said, "One thing I learned pretty quickly is to *never* put a harp on the witness stand".
"It turns out out that they're typically lyres".
I called the ASPCA hotline to tell them I'd just found six badgers in a suitcase by the side of the road. "Are they moving?" asked the operator. "Not sure." I replied...
"But that would explain the suitcase!"
Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...
...an ether/oar situation...
Given the frog jokes I just saw, I thought I'd post this
A large bullfrog jumps into a bank, holding an odd looking statue. The frog hops up to the Mr. Paddiwhack the loan officer and says he'd like to take out a loan, using the statue as collateral. The loan officer turns the statue over and over, but can't really make heads or tails of it so he goes in to see his boss the loan manager. He explains the situation to his boss who then looks the statue over and hands it back, saying
It's a knick-knack Paddiwhack, give the frog a loan!
Bonus Joke: Why did the loan officer wear a mask?
He was the Loan Arranger.
My son asked me if I knew any good chemistry jokes as he'd just had his first chemistry class. I thought about telling him one about alkalinity...
But then I thought; 'Nah, too basic...'
My friend from Prague came over to play D&D. Instead of just a face mask, he's wearing full body armor
The Czech is in the mail.
Just figured I’d announce that I’ll be doing a theatrical performance on puns later this week.
I'd just like 1 or 2 upvotes, does this count?
Just heard a grocery store manager telling off a young guy on the checkout. “Why’d you ask that woman with kids for ID? What was she buying?”
I just stumbled on this subreddit, and I'd like explain why (from an outsider's perspective) this sort of thing is not my cup of tea.
It's because this is my cup of tea.
I'd just finished building a beautiful house of cards when my wife walked in and destroyed it
I’d say it’s just over a foot
At Bob's retirement party the Director stands up and says "I'd just like to say a word about Bob", clears his throat and then says, "plethora",
Bob turns to him and says, "thank you, that means a lot".
In the old Wild West there was a notorious gang of dangerous outlaws, they’d just attacked a town.
The sheriff decided that he needed to stop them so he rounded up his deputies and they rode out in search of the gang.
After a couple of days everyone was tired and hungry so one of the deputies rode up to sheriff and said “Look sheriff we are all too tired, why don’t you guys rest up here and I’ll ride 4 miles north and two miles east and see if I can’t find us some grub?, I’ll be back by morning”
The sheriff agrees and off the deputy rides 4 miles north and two miles east.
The next morning the deputy returns with all his packs full of bacon! The sheriff says “where the hell did you get all that bacon out here in the middle of nowhere!”
Deputy says “well you see sheriff I rode 4 miles north and 2 miles east and I swear to god there’s this bacon tree just sitting there! A tree that is full of bacon!”
“Bullshit!” Says the sheriff “you stay here I’m going to check this out!”
So off the sheriff rides the same as the deputy did.
The next morning the deputy see’s the sheriff crawling towards the camp with arrows sticking out of his back.
Deputy says to the sheriff “ Boss what the hell happened!”
The sheriff looks up from the ground and says “BACON TREE, BACON TREE, that wasn’t a damn bacon tree you idiot it was a Hambush!”
It’s only a dad joke if it’s from the D’Adjoque region of France. Otherwise it’s just a bad pun.
I thought I'd show off a section of our remote property. It's just a click away.
My dad just said a saying I'd never heard before.
"So how was the play, Mrs. Lincoln?"
It's a phrase used when you try to make the best of a bad situation.
At are auto repair shop we had a dog once drink a whole pan of gas. Dog ran, ran as fast as you’d ever see and then just stopped and fell to the floor.
I didn't think we'd ever have kids, but my boyfriend may have just changed that with his groantastic dadjoke.
I was playing with his hair and I wondered out loud what he'd look like with extremely short or buzzed hair.
He said, "Well I shaved my head once and didn't like it."
"Yeah but you didn't have a beard back then. I wonder if you could pull it off now."
"Well, I'd probably just cut it off."
......
I just took an unsolicited phone call telling me I’d won either £200 or 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute concert.
They said to press 1 for the money or 2 for the show...
I’d need to call the doctor that helped delivered me just to tell him...
“Thanks for helping me out.”
Nemo isn't selfish! He's just trying to find himself. Come on :D
I just ate bread from the worst Bakery in America. I'd take you but...
The most recent Game of Thrones episode was too dark and it was hard to see. I just wish some of the undead were wearing heavy armor and wielding swords. Then we'd be able to see just fine.
Because they would be Knight Wights.
My Redditor friend just got his Ph.D. on the history of palindromes.
[Request] Looking for puns about "tubes"? My pun-loving friend just had emergency surgery to remove her Fallopian tube and I'd like to cheer her up!
I'd just like to thank my legs for supporting me through thick and thin.
And my arms for being by my side for all these years.
I’d like to be a millionaire just like my father.
He wanted to be a millionaire too.
If Weird Al wasn't weird he'd just be called Norm Al
For the final piece of coursework in my art diploma, I used my knife to cut a line across Mr Hamill and Mr Wahlberg just after they'd finished eating.
I'd really like to get a whole new lease on life, but the intrest rate is just too steep now-a-days...
What do you call a Mexican whose truck was just repo'd?
[REQUEST] I'm looking for the best comeback to the old schoolyard joke, "Do you like seeeeee food?" While smacking and showing off the half chewed mouthful of lunchable they'd just choked down....
And I know most of you here can do better than my,
While stiff arming their face, "I don't wanna seeeeee yo food."
Do you get it? Do ya, cause it's about turning the joke back... You get it right?
Anyway, help a guy increase his dadjoke street cred with his kiddo and his lunchroom hecklers.
Just watched Moana for the first time. I'd recommend it if you've been waiting for a movie where people pee in the ocean.
Dadjoke'd my girlfriend just now
On facebook messenger
Her: Wow my visa is the smallest it's been in a while!
Me: Really? Those visa cards has been same size for long while.
Her: >:(
I'd just like to say a few words
Something I saw on Tumblr just now, thought I'd share
Today in maths, someone behind me said “I’m cold.” and my automatic response was to reply “Hi cold, I’m dad.” and in that moment, I realised. That I, a sixteen year old girl, had become a dad.
Just when I thought I'd lurk here forever
My daughter has two rats and she loves to take one with her in a small green carrying case. On Saturdays I pick my wife up from Oakland California. She's a bus driver. My daughter comes to me and says, "What are the rats in Oakland called?"
Me: "Rats, I guess"
Her: "No, they are called hoodrats"
Don't know if this is a scam but I just received a text saying I'd won $250 cash or 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute night.
It says press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.
Don't know if this is a scam but I just received a text saying I'd won $250 cash or 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute night.
It says press 1 for the money or 2 for the show
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