Jesus He Knows Me Puns

Buddy: Wait, so their idea was, "Your son is the devil, we can fix that with a bone marrow transplant and a virus?"

Me: No, I think they were lying about the retrovirus and just putting holy water and stuff into the marrow to exorcise him. That is my guess because they were just nuns, not real doctors.

Buddy: But, when he was freaking out at the end didn't the nurse say, "The gene therapy would have worked, but he was just too strong!"

Me: Oh yeah, maybe they had some of Jesus's DNA. So, instead of the CRISPR gene they use the CHRISTR gene....

I got an eye roll! No kids yet, but at least I know I can rise to the occasion.

I recently tore all the ligaments in my ankle and I’m still in rehab. I was on the sidewalk concentrating on my crutches when a construction worker popped up in front of me. Initially I thought he was going to tell me I was walking under something dangerous; halfway through I thought he was going to ask me out; then Jesus happened:

“Hey, that looks like it hurts!”

“Naw, it’s not bad, it’s much better now.”

“Running? Skiing? How’d you do it?”

“Rock climbing.”

“Rock climbing! Wow, so you must be strong, eh?”

“Yeah, I’m ripped.”

“ … ripped? Really?”

“Yeah, I’m super ripped.”

“ … oh. Wow. Not joking.”

“Yeah, I’m joking. I’m not actually ripped.”

“ … ahaha … hah. That was good.”

“Yep.”

“So, I’m Christian.”

“Hi, Christian.”

“... and I don’t know if you’ve read the Bible, but the Bible says that laying on of hands, especially for our fellow Christians, will heal. And I’ve …” etc.

It took me a block to realize that I’d accidentally made a Dad joke.

My 3 year old daughter "I'm thirsty!"

Me "have a juice box"

My daughter "yum! Thanks dad! "

Me "you know why little children liked Jesus when he was here? Because he was the king of the juice!"

Religious wife rolls eyes

Dad is on couch watching Tv, I peek my head in the room

Me: Whatcha watchin?

Dad: A show on Somalis' (the show showed a boat and some waves)

M:confused You mean like Somalians like the African people? Pretty intense stuff.

D: No no, Somalis, you know, they're huge! come in and wipe everything out.

M: Dad, you probably shouldn't say that about people. It isn't nice.

D: No, SOMALIS.

at this point I have absolutely no idea what he's talking about and so I decide to watch and figure it out for myself.

M: JESUS DAD YOU MEAN TSUNAMIS!!!

D: Yeah, Tsunamis!

M: Somalis are people from the country of Somalia. They are very poor and known for having a lot of pirates.

D: I bet they also have Somalis

M: Probably.

The bus ride to the station had been very stressful. I spent the entire time worrying if the bus even stopped at the train station. I ended up spending nearly an hour making two loops around the city before I finally realized that I had to hop off near the station. Public transport. Jesus.

I'd missed the train I wanted to catch due to my hour-long bus ride, so I had some time to kill before the next one arrived. It had been cold and raining when I left in the morning, but by lunch time it was warm and I was sweating, standing on the station in a big yellow hoodie and jeans.

I had overslept and skipped breakfast earlier, so I resolved not to let the loud farts coming from the old man next to me kill my appetite. I was desperate for a snack.

Initially the vending machine told me it would accept "EXACT CHANGE ONLY". Slightly annoying, but no real problem: I just fished out my change, inserted some alternative coins and punched in the number. I watched the object of my desire inch forwards, ready to drop into the bottom where I could collect it. For some reason I was terrified that it might get stuck. Robbed by a robot, how embarrassing. Luckily the packet fell into the tray. Finally something was going my way.

As I reached into the bottom of the machine and pushed open the metal door, it suddenly stuck. It was wedged in place and the gap was too small for my snack to fit through. "Motherfucker..." I whispered under my breath.

But I was too invested to give up now. Determined not to be beaten by a bloody machine, I pulled hard and the packet burst, spilling chips into the tray. I managed to salvage about half of the crisps and ate them greedily. Partially crushed, but still deliciously cheesy.

At this point it occurred to me that perhaps I should tell the station operator that the vending machine was broken. I walked up to the ticket office and saw a bored, tired looking man in his forties. "I just thought I'd let you know the vending machine is jammed," I announced.

The attendant got up, walked over over to the vending machine and gave it a solid kick, dislodging the little metal door which had foiled me. When he turned to me again his expression had changed from boredom to amusement. "So what flavour was it then? Strawberry?"

I groaned, but couldn't resist a smile.

I knew it was going to be a good day.