Jerk Out Puns

Ambulances, I can't stand them.

Apparently he wanted to churn out catchy pop songs

He’s telling a dumb blonde joke when a young platinum haired beauty jumps to feet, “what gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?”she demands. “What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?”

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer an apology

“You keep out of this! She yells, “I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”

"Well…" he said. "It could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn't decided who would be first out the door. Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we flip for it."

"And he won?" I said.

"Well, no…" he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped down the ladder, the big jerk."

he sits down and orders a drink. the bartender says, "I'm sorry. we don't serve ropes at this establishment". The rope shrugs it off and leaves. The next day, the rope thought to himself, maybe it was just the one bartender who was a jerk. I'll go back and try again. He walks into the bar, see's a new bartender, and sits down to order a drink. Alas, this new bartender says, "we don't serve ropes at this bar". The rope is getting pretty heated at this point. He storms out of the bar, ruffles his ends, gets himself all twisted up, marches right back in, and demands a drink. The bartender responds, "aren't you that rope I just kicked out?" the rope responds, "no, I'm a frayed knot"

So my dad was going through his normal morning ritual, when he screamed "GODDAMMIT" from the bathroom. He walked out a few minutes later, looking sad.

Me: "What was the yelling about?"

Dad: "I dropped my toothpaste."

Me: "That made you upset?"

Dad: "No, ZTheJerk. Upset doesn't cover it. I'm absolutely crestfallen."

Frustrated that I refused to turn on automatic updates because they constantly​ update, my husband, giving me crap, summed up his teasing by replying "Well, stop downloading beta apps, then."

Me: "I think you beta app-ologize for being such a jerk right now."

I'll let myself out.

It isn't exactly a joke, it's more of a jerk move that just happens to be funny, but whenever my Dad and I go out to eat, (or whenever we're eating really), he'll always take a bite from my plate saying that he is making sure it isn't poisoned, and if he likes it, he has to take a second sample to make sure. When I was a kid he would do it all the time and I would get so upset, and now I do it to my little brother whenever I take him out to eat, and it makes him so miffed.

Walking around the grocery store with dad when we see some jerk sauce out of place.

Dad: "I can't believe this, what type of person leaves a bottle of sauce like this out of place?!" (He's being pretty loud)

Me: "Who."

Dad: "A jerk."

Person behind us snickers

Everyone starts clapping.

There's a scene where the young couple visits the author (played by Willem Dafoe) who turns out to be a real jerk.

At first we thought he was a friend... Turns out he was Dafoe.

Reading "'Twas the Night Before Christmas"

"He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

And filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk.

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!

But we never did figure out who the jerk was."