Last night I dreamt I was in a swordfight with a knight, and he cut off the bottom part of my legs.
So I was laying in bed last night, looking up at the stars.
Then I realised. Where the f*** is my roof?
On the eve of a record breaking cold winter night, a wife notices her husband run to the backyard with a bucket in his hand.
She grabs a cup of hot cocoa and watches through the window as he fills the bucket up with water and races from the back of the house all the way out to the front yard and out of sight. She bundles up and goes outside to get a closer look and sees that he’s cleared the snow from the sidewalk. She watches as he takes his bucket of water and pours it out on the cold concrete. She’s puzzled for a second and then says:
Icy, what you did there.
Last night my son saw a mouse in the kitchen so he wiped down all the counters and cleaned everything...
Tonight I'm putting the mouse in the bathroom.
While sailing across the ocean, the night watchman saw a dark shape in the distance. He called the First Mate, who also couldn't tell what it was. So he called the Captain. "I can't tell either," he said. "Fetch me an obstetrician."
The obstetrician came to the bridge, squinted into the night and said:
"Congratulations, Captain. It's a buoy!"
Last night I was arguing to my wife about who should keep our children in the divorce and I got angry and threw some trifle at her
She ended up getting custardy
Doctor Doctor! At night in my bed I keep saying lines from The Lord of The Rings
That's ok, you're just Tolkien in your sleep.
How can you tell the difference between flowers that bloom in the day and flowers that bloom in the night?
The difference is day and night.
As I lay in bed, looking up at the many thousands of stars in the night sky, I think to myself...
WHAT IN THE HECK HAPPENED TO MY ROOF?
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
Last night my wife threw me in the pool
I had some pretty wet dreams
I accidentally put my wallet in the freezer last night.
Was a good job really, I needed some cold hard cash!
My son fell asleep last night with the TV clicker in his hand.
He’s really embraced remote learning.
Despite curfews in place around the county, cops are out all night clubbing.
This morning, after a long night of binging, I got out of bed and looked in the mirror. I saw my haggard, worn-out body and overcome with emotion I realised that for the sake of my family I had to quit cold turkey.
I accidentally went to bed with my contact lenses in the other night.
My dreams have never been clearer.
Last night there was a break-in at the pencil factory, theives stole everything...
...police are still looking for leads.
Scrooge awakens in the night to an apparition; he asks: “Who are you?” His dead gastroenterologist responds:
“I am the ghost of gasses passed.”
When you roll in from a night out but you're tyred so you just sit down in the garden slumped against the wall
Sitting in the ER with my son last night, he got me with this one. I was trying to lift his spirits and was pointing out all the crazy equipment they have in the room. I said "Oh look. They have tongue depressers." He says "Those won't work on me." I asked why and he says...
"I'm on antidepressants."
He's going in for surgery at 3:30pm Pacific. All your positive thoughts and prayers are appreciated.
Edit: Thank you all for the kind words and omg for the gold! He's out of surgery and looks to be recovering nicely. All your well wishes helped cheer him and his parents up.
I asked my friend if he would rather be hit in the genitals really hard, driven over a cliff and smacked in the face by a lesbian OR watch his favourite late night host. “That’s easy”, he replied...
I was so mad for peeing myself in the night
While having dinner last night, my daughter looked up at me and asked, "Daddy, you're the boss in our family, right?" Proudly, I replied, "Yes, my little princess, yes I am!"
She continued, "That's because mommy put you in charge, right?"
My son went crazy running around the neighborhood breaking small twigs in everyone's yard one night...
I was cutting down some trees in the middle of the night and I couldn’t see anything...
But I heard my chainsaw some stuff
After making love the other night, I told my spouse that I love when the whisper sweet things in my ear...
So my spouse leaned in close and whispered..."Syrup."
My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep the other night.
She almost poked my eye out.
Last night I told a girl " By the end of the night, I'm gonna get in your pants."
Long story short, they didn't fit.
You know, sometimes, as I lie in bed, looking up into the great night sky, counting each star and watching the moon slowly float by, I think to myself:
"Where the fuck is my roof?"
Friend: "I created the brightest star in the night sky."
Me: "You can't possibly B Sirius."
I woke up in the middle of the night to see the ghost of Gloria Gaynor in my bedroom
At first, I was afraid. I was PETRIFIED
I woke up in the middle of the night and discovered all my blankets were missing.
How do I make my wife moan and groan in the bedroom at night?
Back in the 90s, i spent time on the set of Baywatch messing with a character named Mitch Buchannon. I got pulled off the set and arrested the same night.
Turns out it's illegal to Hasslehoff.
Did you hear about the two peanuts walking alone in the park last night?
My friend has been having the hardest time getting pool noodles air frieighted in. Last night, he said he's going to have them sent on a container ship...
I said, "whatever boats your float."
I got arrested for getting a blowjob in a bar the other night.
In the night, a visitor came past my igloo. It was a yeti!
Not sure who left the other cooler, but thanks!
My father had a stroke last night. While he was in his bed in the ER with slurred speech and half his face paralyzed, the nurse comes in and asks, "So, what brings you here tonight?"
"The ambulance", he says.
My girlfriend lives in another city. Last night she texted me saying "I wish you were here; the rains are beautiful".
I replied with "So...you want me to c'monsoon?"
She hasn't replied yet.
Guess she stormed out.
If you're feeling under the weather, spend a night in a smokehouse.
You'll be cured in no time.
The wise men come to the Virgin Mary and baby Jesus in the night, rapping on the door of their Bethlehem cottage suddenly. Mary yelps, answers the door, and says, relieved:
"You scared the bajeezus out of me!"
One night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars and I said to myself,
“My roof has disappeared”
I woke up in the middle of the night and freaked out when I noticed all the blankets on my bed were missing.
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