I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.” Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?” I chuckled, "Well, that means..."
Student: Professor, can I do something to raise my grade?
Professor: Um, you know it’s May, right?
Student: Of course, so sorry! “May I do something to raise my grade?”
The trees around the house are starting to bud. I said to my wife, "Honey, do you know what happens when the trees leaf out?"
A look of hopeful curiosity washed over her as she fell into my trap. "No, what?"
"Very SHADY things."
It must've reminded her that she had something else to do that was very important.
My wife shouted, "You need to do more chores around the house!" Groaning, I pleaded, "Can we change the subject?" She smiled and calmly replied...
"Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you."
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
One thing I'll never do is tell dad jokes
I told my son, look the church has locked up the door and turned off their lights. He said, what's that got to do with anything? I said well,...
I'm working hard on something now so I can peacefully do nothing in retirement...
So I'm givin it all for nothing
My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...
I have a computer that does the exact opposite of what you tell it to do
it talks so if it's being annoying just say "open down"
My wife suggested I do lunges as an exercise to get fitter during quarantine.
That sounds ...like a big step.
I was interrogating a crab the other day and I asked it “What’s your name? Where do you live? What’s that on your back?”
I was out by the street trying to hitchhike but every single car I stuck my thumb out for just passed me by. I began to wonder if it had something to do with the cargo shorts I was wearing.
So I went home and put on some carstop shorts, and had much better success at hitchhiking after that.
If there’s one thing I can’t stand to do...
What body part do you spell using the letters P, E, N, I, and S?
I learned something new about cemeteries; the people in its town aren't the ones being buried there. Do you know why?
It's because they're still alive.
Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, “I’ll give you a reason to cry!?" I always thought they were going to hit me...
...not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.
My wife: I just got this new pair of glasses. How do I look?
Me: As always, I recommend using your eyes.
I wanted to do the dishes and wasn’t sure where I put the dish soap.
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
My friend called me in a panic and shouted, “An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don’t know what to do!” Frantically, I drove all the way to his house only to find out...
...he’s really a big lyre.
I cannot do one more Zoom meeting.
My wife laughed, "The lottery is a tax on fools who can't do math!" I shrugged and said, "You never know! Anybody can win the lottery." Folding her arms, she asked, "Do you even know the chances of a person winning the lottery?" I shot back, "Yes!! 100%!!"
Some guys are talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one of the friends say "I sit down when I pee"
Another friend proceeds to curse and weep at the first friend yelling "I though you were a stand-up guy!"
Dad, how do I catch electric eels?
Dad: Easy - you just throw a click bait into the water
Son: Got it. What's next?
Dad: What happens next will shock you
“Mom,” I asked curiously, “how much do you weigh?”
“Tread lightly,” my father warned, “because your mother can’t.”
How often do I like jokes about chemistry?
After getting my first vaccine I asked the nurse what super power do I get, but she just looked straight through me.
Looks like I might have invisibility!
A priest giving a children's sermon on vestments asked, "Why do you think I wear this collar?"
One kid answered, "Because it kills fleas and ticks for upto 30 days."
I asked the gym instructor if he could teach me how to do the splits. He said ‘how flexible are you?’
I said ‘I can’t make Tuesdays’
I decided I want to do some more exercise after listening to Queen.
I want to ride my bicycle.
I can do calf raises just by mooving it.
I asked my dad, “Why do you keep buying vinyl?”
He said, “Records...are always a sound purchase.”
While doing a crossword, the cyclops asked his wife, "How do you spell Hawaii?" Glancing at what he wrote, she replied, "You need two i’s."
Cyclops growled, "My life is just a big joke to you, isn’t it!?"
I said to my kids, "Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do! Take Beethoven for example. They told him he could not be a musician because he was deaf!"
My 2 pet birds got stuck together, so I took them to the vets to see what they could do.
Apparently, he couldn't do anything, because it was just....
Toucan-fusing.
Why do I feel healthy on Saturdays and Sundays, and so sickly for all the other days ?
Maybe, I just have a weekend immune system.
My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."
"Stop eating caterpillars!"
I wanted to do panic buying. So I checked my account.....
Did I tell you guys about the side-hustle plan I came up with? I’m going to do personal training for the band that recorded ‘Lola’ and ‘You Really Got Me’. It’s a good plan...
I just have to work out a few Kinks.
I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked me, “Do you want to hear today’s special?”
I said, “Yes please.”
Waiter: “No problem sir. Today is special.”
Edit: You guys are way too generous. Thank you.
So, earlier I was replanting my succulents and I offhandedly mentioned to my fiancé I'd like to do gardening shit with my sis...
He replied, "She'd be super helpful since she's a HOE."
#mypunssucc #punnyshit
How do I cope with the echo in a glacier cave?
I know what I have to do today.
I told my daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field." She said, "What's that got to do with anything?"
I said "That means it's pasture bedtime."
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