Just happened: 18yo daughter: "Dad, can I borrow your studfinder to bring to work tomorrow, we need to hang a shelf."
Me: "Sure. But you'll have to check your mother's calendar to see if she's free."
Blank stare.
I stare back. Then she gets it. Epic eye roll. (Dad wins again with a classic).
I said to my son, "I need a battery so I can tell the time." He asked, "Is it for a clock?" I answered...
"I don't know! That's why I need the battery!"
My boss asked if I can perform under pressure?
No, I said, but I can give Bohemian Rhapsody a try.
Edit: thank you for the awards kind strangers!
Each year I eagerly anticipate this day so I can share my favorite Dad Joke of all time:
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.
This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.
The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.
Son: "Dad, can I eat the cake in the fridge?"
Dad: "Sure, but the dining room would probably be more comfortable."
I can sea it in your eyes
My friend was bragging that his 3D printer can print a gun but I wasn’t impressed
I had a Canon printer for years.
Interviewer: Can you explain these 4 jobless years in your resume? Applicant: That's when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: Impressive! You are hired!
Applicant: Thanks, I really need this yob.
Sorry. There’s nothing I can do.
can someone please tell me what "TIA" means? I keep seeing people use it everywhere...
I can’t write jokes on paper.
Because they are all tearable.
A weasel walks into a bar one time. The bartender says "wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get you?"
I told the cop, “You can’t write me a ticket. I have a marathon to run tomorrow.”
The cop said, “Sir, that’s not how you play the race card.”
I can’t believe people are still making Friends references almost 20 years after the show ended.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Today my son asked “can I have a book mark?” And I burst into tears.
He’s 10 years old and still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
Can I tell banana jokes on this sub?
Because opinions on those jokes are pretty split. I don’t know if they’ll appeal to everyone.
i heard you can get carbon and iron half off if you buy them as an alloy
I can’t believe someone broke into my house and stole all of my fruit.
I’ve got this disease where I can’t stop making airport puns.
The doctor says it’s terminal.
I have a pen that can write under water.
It can write other words too!
My daughter just got me good… I said, “Did you know you can always see your own nose and your brain just ignores it?”
She said “yeah because it NOSE it’s there”
A man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
The boss exclaims, "Problem? There is no such thing. We call it an opportunity!"
The man says, "Okay then. I have a serious drinking opportunity."
So tired of people trying to tell me I can’t have my guns.
Are people just jealous? Go to the gym if you want arms like mine!
“Bless me Father for I have sinned. I can’t stop thinking about the barenaked ladies.”
Priest: “And how long has it been since your last confession?”
“It’s been…”
Someone cut down all the trees in my yard and I can’t figure out who did it.
A lumberjack walks the lands and finds a forest to start a home. He walks up to a tree and takes a swing with his axe. The tree exclaims, “you can cut me down I’m a magical talking tree!” The lumberjack looks for a second and replies
“Yes, but you’re going to dialogue”
Just grab the first pun I can find on my phone for cake day, hope you're not disappointed.
I found a cave filled with gold on my property, but you can’t have any.
I can’t come up with any jokes about cutting down trees.
I can cut a log in half just by looking at it
I know it is hard to believe me but I saw it with my own two eyes.
How can I speak English, French, Spanish and German at the same time?
When someone ask if I can see them, I will tell them that not only I can see them, but many many people including me, "We" can see them by answering "Yes, Oui Sí Ja." (Yes we see ya)
I can prove that women like dad jokes
otherwise they would be called single guy jokes
My wife said, “I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with Tennis.
I replied, “That’s 15 love.”
An inventor has made some glasses that can block out all dolphin-like animals from your vision. I think it's useless...
I don't see the porpoise.
I can count on one hand how many times I've been to chernobyl
I've visited that place seven times
You know what I can’t stand
Pogo sticks. They always fall over.
A photon checks into a hotel. The bellhop asks, "can I grab your luggage?"
The photon replies, "no, I'm traveling light."
I can’t believe there are 364 days left until Christmas
And people have already got their decorations up.
My friend tells me I can get rich quick by investing in Japanese citrus sauce
I think he’s running a Ponzu scheme
I think we can win the race, but my horse doubts it.
Well I mean it can’t spell disaster right?
I'm an expert in French history. Just off the top of my head I can name 16 of France's kings.
I can still remember the last thing my grandma said before she kicked the bucket.
It was “Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
on their website, I saw that Google Earth can even read maps backwards
i thought to myself, thats just spam
My friend was bragging that his 3D printer can print a gun but I wasn’t impressed.
I had a Canon printer for years.
Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears.
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
"Dad, can I eat the cake in the fridge?"
"Sure, but the dining room would probably be more comfortable."
Got this one from my dad: Today, my son asked “Can i have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears - my son is 11 and he didn’t know my name is Brian.
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