A boy is shoving candy into his face when his mom yells at him to stop.
"Don't eat so much candy all at once!"
"Why?" the boy replied.
"If you eat too much candy, you're stomach will get bigger, and bigger, and it will eventually explode!"
The boy is shocked by this image an immediately stops eating candy. The next day, the boy and mom go to church together, and the boy sits down next to a very visibly pregnant woman. The boy looks at her stomach, then up to her face, and says, "I know what you've been doing."
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︎ Mar 02 2021
Little Johnny has diarrhoea and asks his mom, "Hey mom, do you have Viagra?" The mom goes, "What? What on Earth do you need that for?" "Well, isn't that what you give dad when his shit doesn't get hard?"
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︎ Jan 23 2021
A guyβs Mom comes to visit him at his job at the aquarium where she finds him feeding a baby dolphin. She says look at you, you were smart. You could have had a real job, really done some good for the world. Her son snapped back,...
Hey, my job serves a youthful porpoise!
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︎ Feb 13 2021
Mom told son to clean his room. But instead, he set it on fire...
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︎ Dec 24 2020
Mom said she'd throw her son from a cliff if he didn't eat his vegetables ...
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︎ Dec 28 2020
My son was crying because his mom took his Xbox...
... so I had to console him.
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︎ Oct 20 2020
hi mom
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︎ May 10 2020
My friend said he wanted to bang his mom and kill his dad.
I told him that was some freudulent thinking.
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︎ Sep 05 2020
What does a piglet call his momβs brother?
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︎ Oct 16 2020
What does a Turkish kid say to his mom when he needs to do chores in the summer:
I dontβt wanna do it, itβs sho warm ma!
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︎ Aug 12 2020
A mom angrily told her 4 year old son to say counting if he wanted to get his lunch. So the boy started... 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 9 10...
I don't think he need that lunch anymore. He already 8
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︎ Aug 17 2020
What did Baby Corn say to his mom?
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︎ May 08 2020
My Mom said my Dad can be a little feminine at time with his feelings.
My Dad responded that he was trying to be trans-parent.
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︎ Apr 11 2020
My mom teased my dad, he didn't get a sandwhich after his reply.
My mom teased my dad by calling him gay. This is how my Dad retaliated.
Dad: your ex boyfriend was hot .
Mom: which one?
Dad: Me
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︎ Feb 23 2017
When I was 10 my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That was when I realized he was her
favorite twin, not me.
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︎ Oct 18 2019
Today my mom turns 53, and it's tradition that my dad fills the kitchen with posters before she wakes up, wishing her a happy birthday. This year's were some of his worst (best) work.
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︎ Feb 27 2015
My brother visited the cemetery today to see our mom. He walked up to her grave stone, closed his eyes and with a tear running down his cheek, said
Look whoβs grounded now, mom.
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︎ Jul 29 2019
My son got into his mom's supply of pads and stuck them to the wall.
I called it a period piece.
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︎ Dec 14 2019
I use the "Hi Hungry, I'm Mom" joke so often...
My 4 year old son started telling me he wants to eat by saying "I'm hungry but I'm not called that, I just want some food."
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︎ Mar 22 2014
What did the yoga instructor say to his Mom she tried to leave?
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︎ Oct 04 2019
Mom: I hear that John's business is doing a lot better. How did he manage to get enough people to slow down on that stretch of highway to even notice his store? Dad: Oh, he followed my advice and put up a billboard.
"Nude Colony Ahead, Keep Your Eyes on the Road!"
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︎ Dec 23 2019
A boy says to his mother, "Mom, why is it everyone in our family dies so young?"
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︎ Jun 08 2019
Why couldnβt the ghost see his Mom and Dad? They were transparents!
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︎ Aug 24 2019
What do you call a whale who's a real jerk to his friends because his mom got washed ashore?
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︎ Aug 24 2019
Why did the dog not show his mom any affection?
He didnβt have his Licker license
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︎ Jun 06 2019
I asked Dad about his first date with mom, he said he took her to a sauna. Why?
He wanted it to be a hot date.
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︎ Jul 30 2019
How does an Indian say bye to his mom
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︎ Aug 07 2018
One boys asks his brother "what state is mom from?"
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︎ Jan 03 2019
Son is talking to his mom and dad
son: I'm gay.
mom: looks at dad.
dad: I can't let this go bi.
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︎ May 28 2019
What did the dog with 3 legs say to his mom?
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︎ Mar 18 2019
Dad (to his son in the backseat, while mom is riding shotgun): "Hey, do you want to hear my impression of your mother?!?!"
Son: "What? Yes, totally!"
Dad (turns to look at mother tenderly): "I think she's a lovely and beautiful woman, a good wife to me, and a good mother to you."
Son: sigh.
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︎ May 06 2019
Came up with a joke this weekend, not sure if it exists yet or not. Why did the duck rob his mom?
So he could buy some quack..
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︎ Mar 04 2019
My Mom has no problem talking about his recent the sex-change operation.
He's quite TransParent about it.
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︎ Mar 15 2019
Growing up, what was Usher's favourite food his mom made ?
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︎ Mar 20 2019
Son got his mom over dinner preparation
Tonight at dinner, she looked at our 13 year old and said "We should make buns for Thanksgiving"
He paused for just a second, then responded "So, that would be mother-son bunding time?"
She sighed.
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︎ Nov 03 2016
One of my friends is dating a girl who looks just like his mom...
I think his Oedipus Complex is apparent.
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︎ Feb 21 2018
My 12 year old made his mom groan with this.... "Did you hear about the construction worker's job?"
Nevermind, I don't want to tell 30 stories.
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︎ Mar 10 2016
What did the baby say to his mom after he was born?
It was real womby in there.
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︎ Oct 15 2018
My mom went to see her 92 year old father at his assisted living home yesterday and she said to him, "You sure like to take naps don't you ?"
He said, "Well this is a rest home."
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︎ Dec 20 2016
My mom accidentally kneed my step-dad in his thigh.
She apologized when he told her she got him hard enough to leave a bruise and she, jokingly, asked if he would leave her over it.
He replied, "No. Because you kneed me..." and winked.
-_-
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︎ Mar 09 2016
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