Well, I ordered a limo for me and my friends this weekend. The limo finally arrived and the driver began to walk away from it. I ask “woah, hey, aren’t you supposed to be driving me?” And he was like “sorry, driver wasn’t covered in the price”
Welp, i spent 400 dollars on a limo and I have absolutely nothing to chauffeur it.
Hey dad, what time should I schedule my dentist appointment?
We were driving to a party and my wife said, “Hey, you missed a right!”
I said, “Thanks babe. You Mrs. Right!”
My boss texted me "hey send me one of your funny jokes"
I replied "I'm working at the moment, I'll send you one later"
He replied "ha that was hilarious. send me another one"
My dad: Hey, what does “I surrender” mean?
Me: I give up.
Dad: Why? The question wasn’t that hard.
Hey have you heard my construction joke yet?
Well I'm still working on it.
A fly feels a bug on its back and asks, “Hey, bug on my back, are you a mite?”
“I mite be!” giggles the mite.
“That’s the worst pun I’ve ever heard!” the fly groans.
“What do you expect?” asks the mite. “I came up with it on the fly!”
Hey y’all my bowling instructors girl is in the hospital right now and I need some bowling jokes to cheer him up.
Please keep it lighthearted.
Hey admin... what happened to my chiropractic joke?
I posted it about a week back.
Astronaut 1: hey I can't find any milk for my coffee.
Astronaut 2: in space, no one can. Here, use cream.
From my 5-year-old son: "Hey"
True story; it even happened last night. My 5-year-old son walks up behind me and out of the blue says, "hey."
I turn to him and say, "yeah, kiddo? What's up?"
He responds, "it's dead grass."
I'm really confused and trying to figure out what's wrong and what he wants from me. "What? There's dead grass? What's wrong with that?"
.
.
.
He says, totally straight-faced, "hay is dead grass," and runs off.
Grandma is always saying to me ' Hey what's the name of that German guy again who keeps taking my stuff '
Alzheimer, Grandma, it's Alzheimer.
Hey guys, I need some more Halloween dad jokes! This one did pretty well when my kids were 3 & 5: Why did the monster go to the barber?
Because they needed a scare cut.
"Hey Dad, what rhymes with orange" said my Son..So I pondered this for a while and thought..
My daughter last night before bed: Hey dad, if you pour cold water on a hot dog what do you get?
Me: I don’t know what?
Daughter: A chili dog 😆
Not gonna lie this one got me, and after being glued to the news and r/worldnews for the last 6-7 days I needed this.
My nephew: “hey I heard fireworks!”
Me: “you heard right! For many things—roasting hot dogs, lighting the night—it really does work!”
My 11 year old told me this last night. “Hey did I tell you my construction joke??!?”
Hey do you guys like my pit?
I said to my son “hey I need a battery so I can tell the time.” He asked: “is it 4 o’clock dad?”
So I yelled “Well I don’t know son, that’s why I need a battery!”
A guy pulls out a stick and starts carving it with his knife. His friend yells: "Hey! You dropped a big piece of wood on my floor!" The first guy responds:
/r/Jokes/comments/uvelpm/…
From my 14-year-old son: "Hey day, what's it called when you're playing chess and planning your next move?"
From my 8 year old. "Hey Dad, why did Steve cross the road?"
To get to the other block.
I used to walk by the teachers lounge in school and overhear the teachers making fun of me, "hey there goes 'baby butt' ", "Damn, I have 'baby butt' in my class again this semester"
I checked my butt in the mirror every day and it seemed normal to me. Finally, I asked the janitor if he knew why the teachers called me 'baby butt'.
J - "Well, little dude, it's because you're always a little behind"
Hey guys. There's a grocery store on my left, a few cars, some people going for lunch, I see a bunch of carts or trolleys, whatever you call them. Please just think about me.
I'm going through a lot right now.
Hey Alexa, can you check my bank account and see what Apple product I can afford to buy...."
2 guys are hunting together and one of them gets mauled by a bear. So the one who isn't hurt calls the hospital and says "hey so my friend was mauled by a bear and I think he's dead, can you send help?"
The woman on the other end of the line says "well okay, can you make sure he's dead?". Suddenly you hear a BANG "okay now what?"
“Hey today was great” “What happened” “I ran into my ex today” “What’s so great about that?”
My dad was watching the weather channel in one room and my mom was in the other. The weatherman was a Russian named Rudolph. My dad yelled to my mom, "Hey honey I think it's gonna rain tomorrow!" To which she replied "How do you know?"
He said, "I'm watching the weather channel and Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear"
Hey everyone! I threw a ball for my dog the other day.
And I want to tell you, she looks GREAT in a formal gown.
me: "hey guys this is my paypal:) " my boss: "stop calling me that"
“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”
“No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”
So proud of my 3 year old daughter... her first dad joke. “Hey Dad, why did the duck cross the road?”
Because the chicken had the day off.
Neither my wife or I have any idea where she heard this. And she isn’t divulging her sources. Hilarious.
Edit: The first joke she’s told in general. And happened to be a dad joke. :-)
So I was acting like a flamingo in the office today when my boss yelled, "hey, quit acting like a flamingo you dummy!"
...and thats when I had to put my foot down.
My son was playing with monster trucks and made a ramp out of a toy wedge of cheese. He said Hey dad, look at this!
I said, well thats what I call Swiss engineering.....
My son has recently taken up an interest in music. We're constantly going back and forth trying to stump the other with trivia. He thought he had me when he chorused, "Hey, dad, what genre are national anthems?!" I laughed, "That's easy!"
My wife yelled, “Hey, the sun’s coming out!” So I wore my shorts and flip flops and came downstairs.
Found my son holding hand with his boyfriend.
My boyfriend told me as I walked in “hey don’t be alarmed but the toilet is smoking”. Concerned, I walked into the bathroom and found this:
Dad- “Hey son, want me to tell you why my jacket keeps me so warm, even in this frigid weather?”
Barney Rubble told Fred Flintstone, “Hey Fred, I’m too sexy for my shirt”
I asked my Brother "Hey, did you get a hair cut?"
He answered "No, i got them all cut"
My 9 year old daughter just yelled this down from her room. "Hey dad! What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Pacific Ocean?"
Nothing! They just waved!
Hey Mods, what happened to my chiropractor joke?
I posted it about a week back!
We were driving in the city, and my wife said, “ Hey, you missed a right.”
I said, “Thanks babe. You Mrs. Right.”
[Driving] My wife: Hey, you missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe. You Mrs. Right.
“Hey dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”
“No son, have you seen my dadglasses?”
Son: Hey dad, have you seen my sunglasses?
Dad: No son, have you seen my dadglasses?
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