Because I can’t stop looking achoo
Cause you are 1 qt ;)
Day-sCare
Because I'd sure like to have my whey with you.
Like asjhdhsbxb and sjxbbbehzug
- If Covid-19 doesn't take you out, can I?
- Is that hand sanitizer in your pocket are you happy to be within 6 ft of me?
- Can't spell virus without U and I.
- Do you need toilet paper cuz I can be your Prince Charmin.
- I saw you checking me out from across the bar, stay there.
- Hey Baby! Can I ship you a drink?
- Can't spell quarantine without U R A Q T.
credit: some facebook post i saw.
We were celebrating my other niece's 2nd birthday, when my 5-year-old niece comes up to me and says, "Hey Uncle, wanna play a game?"
"Sure. What game?"
"You pick a letter and I say three words that start with that letter."
Since it was her sister's birthday, I picked "B", assuming that she’ll probably say "Birthday".
She was like, "Okay… B... B... BB..."
I sat there for a second in a moment of defeat...
"Yes. Those are all words."
You little shit.
Edit for the Dad-impaired: "Be... Bee... BB..."
2nd Edit: Awesome! Each of my nieces got me to the top of this sub! Here's the one about the 2-year-old.
Girlfriend is breastfeeding baby delatches to say hi to dada
Hey Banana want a milkshake?
shakes moms boobs
10/10 Best Dad Joke of my life.
Hey there!
I'm an avid dad joker, and it looks like within 24 hours I'll finally be a dad myself. Throughout the pregnancy, I've had a blast making jokes about womb temperature, and ultrasounds making her a womb with a view.
Now is where I need your assistance. I've been expressly forbidden from making any jokes during the labor process, which means I am of course going to make jokes.
Got any great pregnancy/labor/new baby jokes?
...We were walking through the lounge room with the cord still plugged in to my belt and I said to my wife, "Hey baby! Look at me! I'm a walk-man!"
So I am divorced. My kids live in a different state than me at this time. This morning I called to talk to my daughter (5) about her getting into cheerleading. About halfway through the conversation, I dropped an old gem from my Dad. It ruined the phone call.
Me : "Hey baby girl, you wanna hear a story"
Her : "What now?"
Me : (giggling inside because the tone in her voice already said " FUCK, walked right into this.")
"I was driving to work the other day and an ambulance drove past me fast and a side door opened up. A box fell out, so I stopped to get it. Guess what was in it baby girl?"
Her : "What?"
Me : "A human toe."
Her : falling for it. Dad's know this sound in the voice.
"Eeeewwww. Then what?"
Me : "I called the tow truck!" FUCKING BOOM
Her : "Ok I'm hanging up now, byeeeeeeeeeieeee."
And she really hung up. I love to think she is cursing me in her little head right now...but she'll use it later. They always do.
Hey baby, what's ursine?
It was my second time watching it and only her first, so I had had some time to ponder possible puns to make. So when BB8 was introduced, I put my arm around her, leaned in to her ear, and said "Hey baby, that robot is cool and all, but it's only a BB8. I think you're a BB10."
She sighed, pulled my arm off of her, and scooted a seat away from me.
I was so excited I called my Dad to tell him the news. "Hey Dad, Molly just gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. I'm a Dad now!" And he replies "Hi a Dad now. I'm grandpa!"
Growing up in Sydney there was a 'Baby Health Centre' across the street. My dad was an older guy so had the typical 'old man pun' sense of humour. Around Christmas one year I was walking by with my dad and he goes 'Hey. Where do baby elves go when they're sick? To the baby ELF centre!' Face palm.
i work the service desk at a grocery store, and me and one of my coworkers will often make puns based on the items we return. i got 2 gallons of white milk and a half gallon of chocolate milk. the following exchange occurred.
him: i'm gonna go dump this milk.
me: that bad in the relationship, eh?
him: well yeah, look what kind of baby they made -points to chocolate milk-
me: in a relationship, you need certain emotions, i guess they just lactose emotions. -he dumps out the milk and returns-
him: hey, wanna see my jugs?
me: i had a friend named calvin who wanted to see mine. one day i finally just said, "hey cal, see em?"
Hey Baby. I'm a-lookin' and I'm a Lycan.
I'm making enchiladas for my work tomorrow but I forgot to buy baby jack cheese for my cheese enchiladas. I've been calling stores to ask them ahead if they have any, but no store in my neighborhood has it.
I told my dad about my frustrations as I was calling Food 4 Less, and my dad said, "Hey if they don't have it, tell them - tell 'em, 'Well you guys don't have JACK!'"
I then put my hands on my face began groaning as he closed out with, "I perform every Monday through Thursday!"
While we were looking at the zebras and trying to point out the baby zebra to my daughter...
"Hey honey, that baby zebra looks like it's foal of stripes."
The baby was born, and my friend said this to his wife after the event:
"Hey, looks like you've lost a lot of weight today"
His response:
"Hey baby, how's it going? You look sexy tonight. Positively stunning! Oh yeah baby…"
From then on she asked him to flip the light switch on or off…
Now she just doesn't ask him.
There's a statue outside of some church of Mary holding baby Jesus. I don't see him often enough to know his schedule. Only reason this one worked.
Dad: <Pointing at the statue> "Hey! Put that kid down!"
Me: "You still do that?"
Dad: "Yep. I haven't seen the priest around in a while."
Me: "You go to church?"
Dad: <Shit eating grin> "Not religiously."
Goddammit, dad.
I take a while to get into a comfortable position before I can't fall asleep, flipping onto my sides, front and back. The other night the wife complained and I was like "Hey baby, that's just how I roll".
Me putting baby down to sleep upstairs: "hey, can you throw up the baby's blanket?"
Her: makes throw up sounds for a second.."sorry nothing is coming up!"
Me: "sigh..can you toss up the blanket then?"
"Hey babe, I wanna paddle this weekend"
"Baby, come on over, I'll start paddling right now"
groan...
Trying to invite my uncle to my baby shower went a little like this.....
Me:hey uncle can I get your address so I can send you an invitation?
Uncle:yeah come get it
Me:smart ass.....
