A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender asks, "Hey, what's with the paper towel?"
The pirate says, "Argh, I've got a Bounty on me head!"
Hey dad did you get a haircut?
No son I got them all cut!
Little Johnny has diarrhoea and asks his mom, "Hey mom, do you have Viagra?" The mom goes, "What? What on Earth do you need that for?" "Well, isn't that what you give dad when his shit doesn't get hard?"
“Hey, how much wood have you chopped so far?”
“Not sure. Let me check the logs.”
Dude 1: “Hey bro?” Dude 2: “Yeah bro?” Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Hey girl!! Are you a newspaper?
Because there's a new issue with you everyday.
hey did you hear about the new shovel?
you: no
me: what, it's groundbreaking!
Hey Dad, you wanna come to Yoga class with me?
Dad: Namaste home instead
Hey did you ever hear about the psychic that only gives you good news?
At a barbeque: Hey, who wants a burger?
A fly feels a bug on it's back. "Hey bug on my back, are you a mite?"
"I mite be !!" giggles the mite.
"That's the worst pun I've ever heard" groans the fly.
"What do you expect?" says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly. "
Hey! Did you see that snail-shaped car with the letter S painted on it drive by?
Just look at that escargo.
"Hey, look at that flock of cows!"
"Herd."
"What?"
"Herd of cows."
"Of course I've heard of cows, there's a flock of them right there!"
Hey, did you hear about the kidnapping?
Don't worry, he's awake now.
I was driving absentmindedly and my wife suddenly said, “Hey, you missed a right!”
I said, “Thanks babe. You Mrs. Right!”
Hey, did you hear about the 2 blind Cyclopos?
My son, apparently an 7yo dad says to me... " Hey dad, what's the alien say to the cat?"
"Take me to your litter"
He's been working on his joke game. V.proud.
Two extraordinarily large horses were sitting at the bar having a beer. Guy walks in and says to the bartender. "Hey, what's with the Clydesdales?" Bartender says,
Dad, hey can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?
So proud of my 3 year old daughter... her first dad joke. “Hey Dad, why did the duck cross the road?”
Because the chicken had the day off.
Neither my wife or I have any idea where she heard this. And she isn’t divulging her sources. Hilarious.
Edit: The first joke she’s told in general. And happened to be a dad joke. :-)
Me: Hey, Dad, is that a man standing next to an igloo over there?
Dad: It's just an Aleutian.
Hey Sir, police jokes aren’t funny!
Hey dad, can we stop at the casino at the next exit?
Dad: Sure, why?
Son: I need to go to the bathroom and the sign says they have the best craps in the state.
Hey, deer balls just lowered in price.
Now they’re under a buck.
"Hey Dad, what's the capital of Australia?"
I got dad joked by my 3 year old daughter at dinner today: "Hey do you have a bun?" I asked her.
"NO I WANT A WHOLE BUN"
She's well on her way to being the dad I never had
Called my local restaurant for reservation. Hey are you guys open for reservations? They replied four to nine today
Looks like they are too busy today
My 10 year old son said, “Hey Dad, do you know why I want to shoot a hog?”
“So we can have hamburgers!”
He was serious but it still cracked me up.
Hey Reddit, Wanna hear a joke about time travel?
Never mind. Y’all didn’t like it.
My 8-year old ran past me and I shouted to her: "Hey, you lost something!"
She stops and ask "What?"
- "Your speed!"
She glares at me and says: "Dad, you lost something!"
- "What?"
- "Your hair!"
Oof.
True story.
A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey! We don't serve your kind here!"
The mushroom replies, "Why not?! I'm a fun guy!"
He then goes on to say "The name's Gus, and all my friends call me Fun Gus"
My boyfriend told me as I walked in “hey don’t be alarmed but the toilet is smoking”. Concerned, I walked into the bathroom and found this:
My neighbour asked me “Hey, how much wood did you chop today?”
I said, “Not sure. Let me check the logs.”
Friend - Hey man could you call for some flowers for me from online?
Me - Yeah sure bro I will cauliflowers.
Talking with my brother: “Hey remember when we would see how far we could jump off the staircase?”
“That just sounds like leaping off ledges with extra steps”
Hey, don't go spoil Cyberpunk 2077 please.
I haven't played 1-2076 yet.
Hey... Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?
He was just going through a stage!
Hey did you hear about the new kind of Italian rap music?
“Hey, Watson, is that mud on your shoes?”
"Hey, Ronald McDonald - been watching any good clown movies?"
Hey everyone I'm making a Kitten Catssiatore, who wants some?
"Hey!! How long have you been chopping wood for?"
"Not sure, let me check my logs."
"Hey bro, can you pass me the pamphlet?"
Hey, did you get a haircut?
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