Headful Puns

...an ether/oar situation...

The pirate says, "Argh, I've got a Bounty on me head!"

Because it’s capsized.

I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf

Luckily, it was a soft drink.

It was a locomotive.

Because all the leaves are brown.

He said “tell me more”.

Head lice.

How dairy

One does not simply walk into Mordor

I have a hunch it might be me.

A liar.

Surely they’re key workers?

If you don't get it, joke's on Hugh.

That has left scientists scratching their heads.

A hundred dollar bill.

This is my dad's favorite joke.

“That’s not very mature!”

The head veterinarian at a zoo noticed something alarming in a patient’s record. A monkey that had been a healthy weight at its last checkup was now recorded as being only half that.

Fearing for the monkey’s health, he went and saw it, expecting it to be sickly and skeletal. However, the monkey seemed totally normal. Confused told his staff to weigh the monkey again.

They did, but the number they reported was still astonishingly low. Sure it was a mistake, he went to weigh the monkey for himself. But when he put the monkey on the scale, it showed a number that was still far too low, and couldn’t possibly be right.

After a moment he spotted the problem: behind the scale was a grab bar on the wall, and the monkey had stealthily grabbed it with its tail, and was supporting some of its weight off the scale that way.

So the monkey's weight was fine, they just weren't paying attention to de tail.

I told her Michael Boob-lay

She wasn’t as sad anymore (or much sadder since she realized how dumb the person she’s dating is). Happy new year everybody

To mount the other end would be a catastrophe.

I'm okay, it was a soft drink.

It was a lovely service...

But it was worth a shot

[removed]

"Ladies and Gentlemen" he yells!! "This is not a drill."

Because it capsized.

"He was always looking down on me!"

I only have my shelf to blame.

"Swarm."

Just a heads up.

I’m just trying to see how you like to screw 😎👉🏻👉🏻

He drinks straight from the bottle.

Short temper.

European

I think I'm going through... a-booze.

My answer was spot on, upon being asked to give an example on a "Business being completely ruined due to carelessness" All I said was... "A Pregnant Prostitute"

An Ambulance, immediately!

Miner: Mine

The mortician asked the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit he’s already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says “I don’t care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.” The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, “whatever this costs I’m very satisfied, you did an excellent job and I’m incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?” To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says “there’s no charge.” Shocked she replies “no really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.” “Honestly ma’am”, the mortician says, “it costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.”

Luckily it was a soft drink.