My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
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︎ May 06 2020
I asked my brother how his date went. He said he found out she was an anesthesiologist.
Talk about a snooze fest.
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︎ Dec 18 2020
Mom said she'd throw her son from a cliff if he didn't eat his vegetables ...
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︎ Dec 28 2020
A friend set me up on a blind date. He said "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know. She's expecting a baby"
I felt like a right idiot sitting in a bar wearing nothing but a diaper.
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︎ Aug 13 2020
At our PTA meeting, my son's teacher said he's the best she's ever seen at using Elmer's...
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︎ Jul 14 2020
I took my daughter to the doctors. He asked me if she always stuttered like that. I said no,
only when she wants to say something.
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︎ Jan 31 2020
My brother said that if he's going to marry a woman she must always be with him
Well, he's a mailman so things are going to be rough
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︎ Jan 07 2020
My husband and I were reminiscing about his grandma. "She was a great grandma," He said. "She was a grandma too," I commented. "Huh?"
"She was a great-grandma and a grandma."
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︎ Dec 17 2019
A man went to the funeral of his dear friend and asked the wife of the deceased to ask if he could say a word, to which she said: Yes. He said "Plethora"
She said "thank you, that means a lot"
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︎ Nov 03 2018
I made a lady laugh at work. I asked her why she was returning these kids clothes and she said she husband didn't like them. I replied that he must be very tiny.
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︎ Oct 15 2019
So a girl came up tom he other day and said that she recognized me from her vegetarian restaurant. Honestly I was a bit confused.
Iβd never met herbivore.
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︎ Jul 10 2019
I took my wife to the psychiatrist and he said that she's completely lost her mind.
I replied that it didn't surprise me because she's been giving me a piece of it every day for last 30 years.
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︎ Apr 18 2019
My daughter and I saw a man returning a treadmill to Costco. I said, "I wonder why he is returning that?" She said, "I don't know."
I said, "Because he didn't get anywhere with it."
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︎ Feb 24 2018
Daughter said she doesn't find her dad funny, so he told her to go to the store and buy eggs with no whites...
So she can get her dad's yolks.
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︎ Jan 29 2018
Little Johnnie's teacher asked him how his weekend was. "Horribly, a car hit my dog in the ass," he said. She said, "Rectum."
"Wrecked him?" Johnnie said. "Damn near killed him!"
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︎ Jul 18 2017
My sister said she doesn't like seaweed. My dad said he does. However..
He said he didn't like D-weed.
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︎ Apr 15 2015
My mate set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby."
I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a nappy...
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︎ Sep 08 2018
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