My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...

"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thebikerdad
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
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I asked my brother how his date went. He said he found out she was an anesthesiologist.

Talk about a snooze fest.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
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Mom said she'd throw her son from a cliff if he didn't eat his vegetables ...

... but it was a bluff!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SwooopingIsBad
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
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A friend set me up on a blind date. He said "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know. She's expecting a baby"

I felt like a right idiot sitting in a bar wearing nothing but a diaper.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2020
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At our PTA meeting, my son's teacher said he's the best she's ever seen at using Elmer's...

She said he's a glue-ru.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
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I took my daughter to the doctors. He asked me if she always stuttered like that. I said no,

only when she wants to say something.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2020
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My brother said that if he's going to marry a woman she must always be with him

Well, he's a mailman so things are going to be rough

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thewonkabro
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2020
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My husband and I were reminiscing about his grandma. "She was a great grandma," He said. "She was a grandma too," I commented. "Huh?"

"She was a great-grandma and a grandma."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/El_Pollo_Diablo77
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
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A man went to the funeral of his dear friend and asked the wife of the deceased to ask if he could say a word, to which she said: Yes. He said "Plethora"

She said "thank you, that means a lot"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pongogulous
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2018
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I made a lady laugh at work. I asked her why she was returning these kids clothes and she said she husband didn't like them. I replied that he must be very tiny.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Johnny_Two_Timez
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2019
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So a girl came up tom he other day and said that she recognized me from her vegetarian restaurant. Honestly I was a bit confused.

I’d never met herbivore.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AquariusV1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2019
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I took my wife to the psychiatrist and he said that she's completely lost her mind.

I replied that it didn't surprise me because she's been giving me a piece of it every day for last 30 years.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crackypwns
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
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My daughter and I saw a man returning a treadmill to Costco. I said, "I wonder why he is returning that?" She said, "I don't know."

I said, "Because he didn't get anywhere with it."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/drnotabene
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2018
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Daughter said she doesn't find her dad funny, so he told her to go to the store and buy eggs with no whites...

So she can get her dad's yolks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kalenrb
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2018
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Little Johnnie's teacher asked him how his weekend was. "Horribly, a car hit my dog in the ass," he said. She said, "Rectum."

"Wrecked him?" Johnnie said. "Damn near killed him!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoDakZak
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2017
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My sister said she doesn't like seaweed. My dad said he does. However..

He said he didn't like D-weed.

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2015
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My mate set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby."

I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a nappy...

πŸ‘︎ 160
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hughdman
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2018
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