A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
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︎ Jan 10 2021
I may not have the fanciest dough mixing machine...
but it handles all my kneads.
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︎ Feb 10 2021
Not a dad, but I have a good one
kid: RERErRErerErRerererererEreRerrerereRrErrrErEre!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?
Dad: Calm down! My ears hertz!!!
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︎ Jan 14 2021
I have been told by my vegan friend, that I should grow my food and not hunt it...
Does anyone know how to grow bacon ?
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︎ Feb 14 2021
Women should not have babies after 40.
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︎ Nov 14 2020
What sea/ocean does not have water?
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︎ Jan 13 2021
It has recently been discovered that William Tell and his son belonged to a bowling league. But Swiss historians have not been able to determine the name of the league's sponsors.
We may never know for whom the Tells bowled.
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︎ Oct 19 2020
I have been making pencil sketches of my family and it's not exciting at all
Back to the drawing, bored
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︎ Jan 01 2021
This may have been posted before but itβs to Gouda not to share again
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︎ Dec 14 2020
We all have a submarine in our heads but we're not supposed to think about it. It's all sub-conscious.
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︎ Dec 05 2020
Why does Homelander ("superhero") have to be careful not to jostle his milk?
He knows milkshakes bring The Boys to the yard.
Hopefully you're familiar with the comic/show
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︎ Nov 29 2020
What room does a ghost not have in their house?
A living room.
Happy Halloween!
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︎ Nov 01 2020
If Hermes was the messenger god, the he sure was lucky not to have met the god of pain and old age...
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︎ Dec 24 2020
Santa will not have to quarantine when entering different countries
He has gotten the vaccine and now has santybodies
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︎ Dec 16 2020
Not to brag, but I have this weird talent in guessing what is inside a wrapped present.
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︎ Oct 30 2020
I have a horse that's really asthmatic and I'm scared it may not make it. The vet prescribed some
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︎ Oct 25 2020
A Chihuahua and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink, when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me." So the Bulldog says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."
Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone, cheese mine."
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︎ Oct 07 2020
Im not a dad, I just like dad jokes, but I think I will one day have children just for dad jokes
Because im really dadicated to the bit
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︎ Dec 01 2020
My wife went into labor today, so I read the front page of /r/DadJokes to her as a distraction from the pain. Unfortunately, she didnβt laugh once, was clearly not amused and I have no idea why...
It must have been the delivery...
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︎ Aug 26 2020
My Doctor told me that I may have a curvature of my upper back but he was not so sure.
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︎ Nov 12 2020
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
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︎ Sep 08 2020
I have decided not to vaccinate my kids.
I believe it's best to let the doctor do it.
Edit: Thanks for the Silver :)
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︎ Dec 30 2019
What do dad jokes have in common with not wearing a mask?
People get sick of it but they still do it
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︎ Sep 09 2020
Have I not yet told you my summary about the history of clocks?
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︎ Aug 18 2020
Women should not have children after 34
Really, 34 children are enough.
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︎ Sep 30 2020
I'm not happy because I have to work at the museum tonight moving suits of armor.
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︎ Sep 21 2020
Not a joke: does anyone have any Dad jokes that I can use on my 5-year-old? I see maybe one joke per week on here that she would understand. Do we need a r/youngerdadjokes?
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︎ Jun 01 2020
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now youβre thinking, βItβs psychic, idiot.β
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︎ May 04 2020
Why does McDonalds not have a steak sandwich on the menu?
Because it would be a McSteak
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︎ Aug 07 2020
Why do cows have hooves and not feet
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︎ Aug 17 2020
Why do cows have hooves and not feet?
Because they lack toes
Iβm sorry
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︎ Jul 24 2020
(Not a Dad Joke) I need a good list of the best dad jokes you guys have
Itβs for a discord bot Iβm going to put in a server full of people who could use some dad jokes
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︎ Jun 24 2020
Why did the Vikings not have high doorknobs?
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︎ Aug 13 2020
The new Nas album Kingβs Disease may not have been the GOAT
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︎ Aug 24 2020
Orions belt does not have the best reviews in the universe...
...cause it only has a three star rating!
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︎ Jun 04 2020
I rode the elevator to the eleventh floor and as I got out, the operator said, βHave a good day, son.β I replied, βDonβt call me son, youβre not my dad.β He scratched his head and said...
βNo, but I brought you up, didnβt I?β
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︎ May 14 2020
I have three different levels of tan on me. One level is my arms and legs from wearing a shirt and shorts. The next level is from not wearing a shirt at the beach. And the last is under my shorts.
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︎ Jul 21 2020
Not to brag, but I have this uncanny ability of guessing whatβs inside a wrapped present.
You can say.....itβs a gift.
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︎ Apr 18 2020
Wife (we both live in the US): I have to make sure my work phone is on do not disturb mode before bed so I donβt get email notifications from co-workers in our office in Europe.
Me: Sure, because when they send email, they donβt care if youβre up.
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︎ Jul 30 2020
You know why they have horseshoes but not cowshoes?
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︎ May 23 2020
Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.
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︎ Dec 26 2018
Not sure if it's legal for me to makes these jokes bc I'm not a dad so here it goes... What does a duck and a homeless person have in common?... . .
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︎ Jul 25 2020
I think I might have head lice but Iβm not sure.
Itβs a real head scratcher, and quite honestly Iβm just itching to find a solution.
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︎ Apr 10 2020
I reattached a cup holder to my son's car seat the other day. My daughter (5yo) taunted him, saying, "I have TWO cup holders!" I told her, "It's not a competition," to which she replied...
"But it is a CUP-etition!"
... I've never been so proud of her.
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︎ Apr 20 2020
I have a simple standard for dadjoke quality: the joke should not simply be a lame, obvious pun that anyone could think of. So I checked to see if any of this sub's top ten jokes met this standard
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︎ Feb 24 2020
I have a degree in musical theatre. I may not be able to solve a complex math problem but..
I can solve a problem like Maria.
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︎ May 21 2020
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