Little Johnny has diarrhoea and asks his mom, "Hey mom, do you have Viagra?" The mom goes, "What? What on Earth do you need that for?" "Well, isn't that what you give dad when his shit doesn't get hard?"
Times are hard for people on disability benefits....
I’ve got a friend who’s a dwarf and he’s struggling to put food on the table.
My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, “Dad get out of the way!”
I said, “You’re the ones blocking!”
I feel kinda stupid and kinda proud for coming up with this (drawing on a phone is hard)
My son asked me for something hard to write on
I don't know why he got so mad, sand is pretty hard to write on
My dog pooped on the deck yesterday and now it's all hard.
I accidentally stepped on my cats tail. The cat jumped, and I ended up kicking the table pretty hard. “Ouch!” I yelled
“YOU, ow?” The cat replied in disbelief.
“ME-ow”
I don’t know why I have such a hard time putting on a scarf.
I just can’t wrap my head around it.
Apparently that new tropical storm is really hard to track. I keep seeing on the news TROPICAL STORM ETA
but they never say when it’ll hit.
Son: There's no salt on this. Mom: Well, it's hard to see salt.
Dad: But can you table salt?
Mom: I don't know, let's discuss that next time.
Edit: To be honest I'm a little salty about the bland reaction this dad/mom joke got :)
What’s the hard stuff that develops on cows’ teeth?
Sorry for tye bad crop its hard to edit on phone for me.
Why did the snowman get a hard on?
He heard the snowblower coming
My son did not watch were he was going and slammed faced down on hard surface
In these hard times of 2020, I know two things you can always count on,
A calculator and an abacus....
Being a wheelchair user must be wheelie hard to move on especially when someone walks out on you
Man I worked hard on this for my first post, it has LAYERS
My circumcision was really hard on me...
I couldn't walk for a year afterward.
Tried this on daddit and it was not well received, got a hard eye roll and a giggle from my daughter, am I doing this right? I need some help with my leeky bowl.
I had a hard time figuring out how to turn on the lights in my new apartment.
The plane I was on had a fairly hard landing...
Flight attendant gets on the intercom:
“That was not the Captain’s fault. That was not our fault. That was the asphalt.”
I was at the beach today and there was a group of pelicans not doing anything. I concentrated hard on one pelican and suddenly if flew out to the water, snagged a fish in his bill and flew back to shore. "Wow", I thought to myself..
Pelikinesis is a real thing.
Always think hard before you get married because on one hand you have a cool ring but on the other hand you don’t
Come on Harry, it’s not that hard.
Why have bakeries been having such a hard time holding on to employees lately?
Because their turnover rates are on the rise.
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
You know those silly hacker movies where they're hacking so hard they type on two keyboards at once?
Such blatant stereo-typing
What does a Russian bride get on her wedding day that's long and hard?
Like a lot of people, I had a hard time deciding on what to do after finishing school.
After some thought, I decided to go home.
I hate people who steal phones, it's always hard to call them on it
Before falling on hard times, the tooth fairy used to be a lawyer.
Now she wants the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.
While all physical labor jobs are hard on your body...
...Coal miners really get the shaft.
For five years, I've been drawing visual pun puzzles and putting them up on Mondays. They're kinda hard but really fun to solve. Here are a few.
imgur.com/a/4s6Qf
I remember my dad pulled out the seat i was about to sit on, and i fell hard on my butt. He then said....
"Well, i guess you fell for that"
The wife was nattering on and on at the outdoor maze, it was hard for me to say anything.
i couldn't get a word in hedgeways
"Police work is hard on my back"
Did I ever tell you about the hard-working mechanic who had to push his car five miles on its hubcaps?
When I was little I got smacked on the butt so hard...
On my way back from Thanksgiving holiday, the flight had to make a slightly hard landing due to the crosswind. Then the flight attendant announces: " Sorry for the slightly bumpy landing. It wasn't the Captain's fault, most definitely not the my fault...
It was the Asphalt."
The whole flight lost it. It was glorious :)
Giving our newly on the job waitress a hard time
Waitress: And what can I get for you Sir?
Dad: I'll take the Parmesan Encrusted Steak please.
Waitress: What temperature would you like that cooked?
Dad: 500...... KELVIN!
Me (facepalming): ...He'd like his steak medium...
Why can't a python gwt a hard on?
It has e-reptile dysfunction.
"Hey dad, how hard is it to install new windows on a house?"
"I don't know [son], it depends on how well your house can run windows."
My dad just laid that gem on me.
Thanks Dad 👍
ringolio comments on [North Texas] Found this guy and a smaller, lighter colored one on my car after a short but hard rain
reddit.com/r/whatsthisbug…
My attempted dad joke failed pretty hard on one of the kids I work with today.
My plan:
Me: Hey, do you have any snoo?
Youngster: Huh? What's snoo?
Me: Nothing much, thanks for asking. What's new with you?? Hahahahahahahahahahahahahha
What really happened
Me: Hey, do you have any snoo?
Youngter: sensing a trap No, I think most of the snoo is up in the north east lately.
Me: Stunned silence
My daughter asked me to get her something hard to write on
So I brought her some sand.
My daughter asked me to bring her something hard to write on, but I don’t know why she got so mad at me...
It’s pretty hard to write on sand...
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