My hammer has 100% nail hitting accuracy

because if I miss the nail, I hit my nail

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wolf_cy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
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β€œI need some nails and a hammer”-fiancΓ©

β€˜I have 10 nails but I’d rather not hit them with a hammer.’ -me

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nightowl024
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2020
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Why the did hammer hit the nail through the wall.

To drive the point across.

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
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My son was having trouble figuring out how to use a hammer and nails.

I told him, β€œScrew it.”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2018
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After I had bent three nails in a row with my hammer...

My dad said "Screw it."

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jonnyprophet
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2016
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Today my father hit his thumb with a hammer while holding a nail. He asked me how he could have avoided it.

He answered "just hold the hammer with two hands instead"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ExeRanger
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2015
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You look like a rusty nail, are you hammered?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/btsGlory
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
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My 6 year old just told me this joke... What's stronger than a fortune cookie?

A hammer.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jeenyus47
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
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Dig a hole in me tonight
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AnotherKakkar
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
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An Asian friend told me, "The nail that sticks out gets hammered down."

He hit the nail on the head.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ponderingfox
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2018
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I adopted a dog from a Blacksmith...

As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the backdoor

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/B-man44
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2019
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Funny 'Dads Anonymous' story to share for the holiday weekend.

"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"

"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."

Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."

"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...

Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.

"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.

Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
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wanna hear a construction joke?

i’m still working on it.

πŸ‘︎ 161
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πŸ‘€︎ u/savgood
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2017
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He broke this one out when teaching me about tools.

"Okay, so this is the screwdriver, this is the wrench, and this, well, you know the drill."

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/T0BIASNESS
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2013
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Nailed this dadjoke on a 6 hour drive to Oregon

Wife notices graffiti on the side of the road with the word HISTORY. Her: "That is the second time I have seen someone graffiti that word." Me: "History repeats itself."

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mark_is_Dragon
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2014
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My wife asked me if there was an interesting alternative to using nails or screws as fasteners.

I told her yes... and it's riveting.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeyRobot
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2017
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you know the drill

but do you know the hammer?

I nailed that joke

you definitely saw those coming

but did you "see" that one coming?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MelanieLN
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2019
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A nail walks into a bar

Bartender asks "what can I get you, sir?"

Nail says "anything that'll get me hammered"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HandsomeTuna14
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2019
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There was a suspicious β€˜accident’ at a construction site. The police investigated all the workers at the job site . . .

It looked like foul play. The mason wasn’t a suspect. He had a concrete alibi. The night of the accident he said he was with his girlfriend. She confirmed this. There was a wall of evidence. Consequently his alibi was rock solid and not just a facade. There was damning evidence that it was the plumber. They figured his alibi, that he was at the casino, wouldn’t hold water. But cameras showed fluid betting all night. This, obviously, threw a wrench in the investigation. The investigators followed a lead to the electrician. He had a shocking secret. It seems the electrician had been charged with battery only months earlier. But it was a dead end. They looked at the HVAC installer, but his alibi was airtight. Next, they tried to nail the Roofer, as he had been spouting off about the victim the day of the accident. But the roofer had been hammered all day. There was no way they could paint him as the cunning mastermind.

Then they saw the writing on the wall: the painter had both motive and opportunity. He was seen canvassing the accident site a few strokes before midnight when the accident occurred. The victim fell off a faulty ladder that was covered in finger paint. It seems the victim and the painter had a few brush-ins before. And it wasn’t a pretty picture. The painter was indicted, but despite all the evidence, the charges didn’t stick and the jury let him roll off clean.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dirty_Entendre
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2018
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from YouTube comments "you know the drill......"
  • A : "You know the drill

But do you know the screwdriver? I nailed that joke.ο»Ώ"

  • B : "No, you screwed it up."

  • C : "I'm going to wrench this joke from you.ο»Ώ"

  • D : "Stop trying to hammer in your punsο»Ώ."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GunnerVee
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2018
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"Dad, I'm bored."

"And I'm a nail, wanna get hammered?"

har har har.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kastel197
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2013
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Hit my sister with the best dad joke

My sis: I want to get fake nails.

Me:do you want a fake hammer, too?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Casanova666
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2017
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Renovation puns

so my mothers friend andy is helping her install a new TV, and this string of puns resulted:

ME: thanks for helping out around here, nice to have an ANDY-man

ANDY: oh that was a good one

BROTHER: i Don't know, i thought the delivery was kinda WOODEN

ME: wow, thanks for HAMMERING that home, pesonally i think i NAILED it, so SCREW you

BROTHER: will you just CONTRACT aids already (edgy ik)

ME: oh come on, i don't think you're being very CONSTRUCTIVE

BROTHER: i'm sorry, feeling a little PLASTERED right now.

Both of us: burst out laughing

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πŸ‘€︎ u/QLMMaster
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2017
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If I had known that this subreddit existed, I would've shared the tale of Brown Paper Bart with you long ago.

A man is riding his horse through the desert, and, well, he starts to get thirsty. He sees a small town off in the distance, so he sets off in that direction to get some water for his horse and some whiskey for hisself.

Well, as he gets into that little town he starts to notice something peculiar. Not a soul is out. Sun's setting, but still plenty of light. Water in the horse troughs tells him it ain't a ghost town, but folks ain't comin' out for some reason.

Now, as soon as he turns onto the town's main street, he sees a soberin' sight; the sheriff, on a ladder, hammering the last nail into a brand new gallows. He sidles his horse on up to the sheriff and says, "Pardon me sheriff. I don't mean to pry, but pray tell, who're them gallows fer?"

The sheriff looks around, surprised to see someone out. He steps down, takes off his hat and scratches the back of his head thoughtfully, before replying, "Well, I reckon you must be a stranger in these parts. I reckon then that you ain't never heard of Brown Paper Bart. Anyway, we're lynchin' him come sunrise."

"Brown Paper Bart? I reckon not, sheriff. That's a mighty peculiar name, pray tell, whaddaya call him Brown Paper Bart fer?"

"Wayill, I reckon we call him Brown Paper Bart on account 'a the fact that everything he wears is made a' brown paper. His hat's made a' brown paper, his boots is made a' brown paper. His chaps is made a' brown paper, his neckerchief's made a brown paper. Heck dang shoot, even his lunch bag is made a' brown paper!"

The man looks at the sheriff a moment, perplexed, before replying, "Well, sheriff, I reckon that's a mighty peculiar thing for a man to do, but that don't explain these brand new gallows. Pray tell, what're you lynchin' Brown Paper Bart fer?"

[Insert a dad-length pause here.]

"...Rustlin'."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/malenkylizards
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2013
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Why did the wall trust the hammer?

The wall knew that hammer always nailed it.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2016
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While showing me his tool collection...

Backstory: So we're in the shed and Dad's showing me all his tools, when he suddenly stops and has a disgusted look on his face.

Dad: Does, does it smell like a hammerdo in here?

Me: Ummm whats a hammerdo?

Dad: Well son, (picks up his hammer) a hammer is used to hit nails on the head!

And of course he laughs like an idiot for the next five minutes...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Juicy-Drucy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2014
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Two guys were working on a house...

Two guys were putting siding on a house. The first guy looks over at the second guy and watches him pick up one nail and hammer it in. Then the second guy picks up another nail and throws it over his shoulder. He picks up another nail and hammers it in. Then picks up another and throws it over his shoulder. The first guy walks over to him and asks, "Hey, why the heck are you throwing those nails over your shoulder?!". Second guys says, "They're facing the wrong way!". First guys says, "You idiot! We could use those on the other side of the house!!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/20bs
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2015
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My dad said this one when we were working yesterday

Dad: Pass me the hammer for!

Me: what's a hammer for?

Dad: it's for hammering nails.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/noahnoah900
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2014
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I work with my dad and he pulls this almost daily

I'll swing a hammer to hit a nail and if I miss and hit my thumb ill yell "owwww!!!" And without a second passing dad will say " well son that's the wrong nail you hit"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tonyhagan
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2013
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Dad let this one go in front of my religious aunt. Needless to say, we we're uninvited to Easter dinner.

Did you hear, Jesus and a couple of 2x4s walked into a bar. They got hammered together.

I don't know what her problem was, I think dad nailed it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/barthm1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2014
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Top notch material at the Rusty Nail bar

On vacation in Cape May in New Jersey, and there is a bar called the Rusty Nail. Conversation went like this: Me: "Oh look the Rusty Nail" Dad: "Yeah let's go get HAMMERED at the Rusty Nail!" Heard the sighs from inside the bar.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tylera102
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2014
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I need puns about stepping on a nail

My sister went to hospital after stepping on a nail.

I really wanna barrage her with pun after pun when she comes home.

Any help is really appreciated.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mojo1999
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2020
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Once i told a hammer joke

I nailed it.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DimitkoRD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2020
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