[Credit to u/Vishalbharadwaj21] I have the high ground
My son kept chewing on all the electrical chords we had set up for the holidays, so I grounded him...
He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly...
Last time I flew my plane a Navy pilot checked his speed right after me. Ground said he was doing 761 mph.
Knot gonna lie I think he was mach-ing me.
I just got fired, and as severance, my company gave me a bag of used coffee.
They said it was grounds for termination.
I started telling my grandkids about how I built my house from the ground up. They complained that that’s the only story I ever told.
Well, children, this is a one-story house.
True Story. I went to pick up a couple of Italian Beef sandwiches curbside last night and as the runner approached with my order, the sandwiches broke through the gravy soaked paper bag and fell to the ground. She was extremely apologetic and said she would re-bag them for us. But I was livid!
I mean, I did not pay for ground beef.
Remember to lift your left leg up off the ground during the New Years countdown
So you can start the New Year off on the right foot
Edit: Thanks for the silver
2 drunk guys getting into a fight. One gets up and draws a line on the ground. He says "you cross this line and I'll punch you in the face".
That was the punchline...
What do you call it when you accidentally miss the exit for your camp ground?
Let me tell you kids how I built this house from the ground up..
Kids: Not again Grandpa, we've heard that story a million times! Don't you have any others to tell us?!
Grandpa:
This is a one-story house.
Credit:
https://inkyrickshaw.com/comic/not-very-tall-tale/
I fed my wife some ground chick peas and she choked to death
The police are treating it as a hummuside
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
How do you keep water in a hole in the ground until you need it?
At a rest stop, the other day, a cop asked me why I was stroking the ground....
“Officer, the sign clearly says to ‘pet area.’”
My son was playing with electricity, so I grounded him.
When he found out I was sick, my friend messaged me, hoping that I will quickly find a deep hole in a ground full of water.
I'm happy he wished me to get well soon.
The Theory of Plate Tectonics is on pretty shaky ground.
My wife dropped a tofurkey on the ground
I said it's now called a tofloorkey
Did you hear the news about the shovel? It's ground breaking. But the broom?
That really swept the nation.
Don't you think the shovel was a ground-breaking invention?
(I saw this in a youtube video by Mishkali titled "Attack on Titan Dad Jokes" I'm not sure if she made the joke herself, but credit goes to whoever did.)
My brother dug a hole in the ground, filled it with water then designed a moving staircase that was powered by it.
That well escalated quickly!
What did the ska band say when they threw their mic on the ground?
pickitup pickitup pickitup!
There's a benefit concert for dolphin conservation at the camping grounds
It's for all in tents and porpoises
A guy says he taught his dog Morse code. "Aye right Show me." Mate says. Guy turns to dog and asks "who's been a good boy then?" Dog uses paw on ground. Tap tap pause tap long pause tap pause tap pause tap long pause tap pause tap pause tap long pause tap tap tap pause tap. "what he say?" Mate asks
I hired someone to dig a hole in the ground to get water...
I apologise if this isn't allowed.
New to this subreddit. I know the point of this thing is to share funny jokes, but since I'm a newbie I hope you'll allow me this one opportunity to make a serious but friendly PSA: If you're lucky enough to have a father, don't take him for granted. Even when they scold or punish you, trust their judgement, it's likely for good reason even if you can't see it at the time. When I was a child I narrowly avoided a horrific accident in which 4 of my friends were electrocuted at a playground we used to play on every day after school. I used to hate my old man for being so strict and disciplining me when all of my friends got to run wild, but if it weren't for him I definitely would have been electrocuted too that day. But I wasn't. I was grounded.
I saw a cop zap a criminal with a Taser, but then shocked him again when he was already on the ground...
The first one was probably justified, the the second one was just re-volting.
What do you call a hallway on the ground
From my 10 year old son: Why did the coffee taste like dirt?
Today, I asked who left their cold-smoked herrings on the ground at the market but no one answered.
Despite being an electrical engineer, my son couldn't fix the circuit
I toiled for hours trying to come up with a good joke about airplanes.
In the end, I felt like the punchline would just go over everybody's head.
A rare picture of ground in its natural habitat
I was cleaning the coffee filter and forgot to rinse the grounds down the sink.
My wife comes up and asks me why I forgot to clean the sink. I said “What? Am I grounded?”
My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill
So I sent him a "get well soon" card
The old lady who lives next door keeps talking about a small deep-ground reservoir...
Gulag was Putin the ground
When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa. I accidentally slipped and fell to the ground, cutting my knees. Grandpa gently bent down and began to clean the wound, removing the little pebbles now embedded in my skin as I cried...
I'd always heard adults talk about it, but I finally knew what they were talking about.
I'll never forget the pain of my first kid knee stones...
Cow jokes that are great for making your kids' eyes roll :
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
What do you call a cow with 2 legs? Lean beef!
What do you call a cow after it gives birth? De-calf-enated!
Did you hear about that cow that jumped over a barbed wire fence? It was udder destruction.
(After they beg you to stop, hit them with: "Ok, it's time too mooooove on to some different jokes. These cow jokes are getting udderly ridiculous.")
Can we stop circulating the same jokes over and over into the ground.
My son kept chewing on electrical cords so I had to ground him..
He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
My son kept chewing on the electrical cords so I had to ground him...
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
My son kept chewing on electrical cords, so I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently, and conducting himself properly
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him. He’s doing better currently, and now conducting himself properly.
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
