Great Work Puns

If you knead dough.

Nope. I just spend a lot of time on it.

After all, they have great sin-ergy.

Alright so quick synopsis of what I do for a living is treating industrial waste water for oil fields. Part of our process is removing solids from the water and using a hydraulic press to squeeze the water out of it and dispose of the dry cakes. Once a day, a waste company rolls in large trucks to remove the big bins where we store the cakes, and put in fresh ones.

Today I was talking with the driver of the truck as he replaced my last bin. I wished him well on the road since we live in California and lordy knows nobody understands how to drive in the rain. As I was turning away from him I said

"If you'll excuse me, I have more pressing matters to attend to."

And immediately started up the steps to our press building, laughing the entire time.

I would write it here, but there's no point cause I know that it would fall flat

https://i.imgur.com/px7i4U2.jpg

We'd be a really shitty hospital if we didn't have any patience.

Me (returning from obvious bathroom break): knock knock

Colleagues: <groan> Who's there?

Me: Deirdre Discope.

Colleagues: Deidre Discope who?

Me: Yup.

Because he is a Blacksmith

he got the whole squad laughing.

Indie end, it doesn't even matter

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

He said I was a sight for psoriasis.

It still hasn’t arrived.

1 in 6 people find it mind blowing.

When I asked them why, they said that my jokes weren't remotely funny.

He's relaxing in a comfy chair, reading the newspaper, until he hears a quiet voice call out to him:

"Nice suit."

The man looks up and around for the source of the comment, but to no avail. There's no one else in the lounge except for an attendant, busily working away on the other side of the room.

Figuring he must've been hearing things, the man resumes reading the newspaper, until a few minutes later when the same voice says to him:

"That's a lovely watch."

Again, the bewildered man searches for the source of the voice, but there is absolutely no one who could have possibly said it to him. Exasperated, he gives up and goes back to reading his paper. But once more, the voice speaks to him:

"Great haircut."

The man whips his head up, gets to his feet and looks around but there is nobody there. Desperate, he calls for the attendant to come over. He asks:

"Excuse me, but could you hear that voice talking before? I can't see anyone else but me and you here."

"No, I'm afraid I haven't heard anything of the sort." replies the attendant, shaking his head.

"It keeps on saying how much it likes my clothes, my watch - even my haircut!" states the man, growing frustrated.

A beam of realisation dawns across the attendant's face. Gesturing towards a bowl of provided nuts resting on the table, the attendant chimes:

"Oh! That must be the peanuts! They're complimentary."

The box says 2 - 4 years.

Honestly, don't knock it till you've Thaid it.

like when you have to change someone's mind.

Dave was bragging to his boss one day,

"You know, I know everyone famous there is to know"

"Go on - Just name someone, anyone, and I bet that know them"

Tired of his boasting, his boss decides to call Dave's bluff,

"OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"Not a problem boss"

"Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it"

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door.

Tom Cruise is at home and answers the door himself and shouts,

"Dave! What's happening?"

"Great to see you!"

"Come on in for a beer!

Although shocked and more than a little impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical and he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just pure luck.

"No, no, just name anyone else then"

Dave says.

"President Biden!"

His boss quickly retorts.

"Yup"

Dave says, "We're buddies from years ago"

"Let's fly out to Washington and I'll show you"

So they fly out to Washington and go on the Whitehouse tour"

"While walking through the White House, Biden himself appears, spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying,

"Dave, what a surprise,it's great to see you again after all this time"

"I was just on my way to a meeting but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up"

After they leave the White House grounds the boss tells Dave that he's still not entirely convinced.

Dave again implores him to name another famous person.

After thinking about it for a long timethe boss replies with,

"The Pope!"

"Sure thing!"

Says Dave,

"I've known the Pope for years - since before he became Pope in fact"

So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Saint Peter's Square at the Vatican.

Dave says,

"This will never work"

"I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people"

"Tell you what, I know all the Pope's guards here as well so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him,

"What happened?"

His boss looks up and says,

"It was the final straw"

"You and the Pope came out on the balcony and a Japanese tourist next to me said, to me... "

"Who the hell is that on the balcony with Dave?"

Q. What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?
A. A can't opener 😂

...but using a ruler? That is where I draw the line.

So the clone is an exact duplicate, all of his talents and experience, so he sends him to work. Clone does great work, but within a few days, he comes home with a written warning. Turns out the guy has a filthy mouth, and has offended everyone. So the original guy has him stay home at their high rise and he goes back to work and apologizes. He gets home and the building is in an uproar. Guy has been swearing at the doorman, other tenants and the super. Original guy gets fed up and offers to take him to the to top floor for the view. Then he throws him over the edge.

Gets back to the apartment and the police are there to arrest him. The charge? Making an obcene clone fall.

but when I go to parties, I make sure to bring Extra

His funeral is set at 350 for about an hour.

You have my Word.

Not desperately screaming like the people in the bus he was driving.

no one has been able to park there since.

Obviously, we need to start collecting as many eggcellent jokes about birds to annoy their teachers and my wife.

So far:

• How do you find a bird in the alphabet? Look for the blue jay.

• Why was a bird in jail? He was Robin a bank.

• What kind of bird works in construction? A crane.

• Where do birds like to go shopping? The Dollar store because it's cheep!

• What do you call a self-aware bird? A super-eagle.

• Why do pigeons like eating crumbs at the park? Because they're bread that way.

• What kind of bird loves to bake? A dough dough!

• What bird is terrible at hide and seek? A seagull!

• What bird is great to go skydiving with? A parrot chute!

• What's the best bird to go shopping with? A store-k.

TLDR - I'd like to figure out how to work in "well hung" into my wood sign business name.

I'm up and running in a specific genre (sort of crass, inappropriate, edgy sayings, quotes, etc) and "well hung" works great as it fits well on both ends - edgy vibe I'm going for, and also...they are signs that need to be hung...well. I'd like a domain name that's available and well hung dot com an any others I've tried are all taken.

Only other aspect that could (optionally) be worked in would be anything to do with the fact that I use reclaimed , recycled, throw-away wood for all my projects to do my little part in cutting down on the enormous underutilization and total waste of wood that's happening everyday in America. I suppose if I have to I could drop the "well hung" thing and go that way if I like it more.

Suggestions?

But I guess it is better than being in Office 365

I said "No, but he wants to be."

I’ve never noticed anything, the last 200 years I’ve lived here.

She said: "What the hell are these?"

I said: "It's the little things that count"

he said he would pay me back the next time he saw me...

so.. I turned the subtitles on the tv! It's been working great!

My 5 year old son is putting together a puzzle of the states, and as he’s doing so, he’s counting all the letters in each state (too see which has the most). He then comes to Tennessee.

Him: Why do we call it Tennessee?

Shouldn’t we call it… (as he giggles to himself)… Nine-essee?

We all groaned.

It’s the only way I can bring home the bacon.

Only one: they are very efficient and have no sense of humour.

"It's a real shame," he said. "I love my job. This is a great place to work. I'm going to miss it."

He gets really angry

A British person gets a good look at someone.

Antacid works great.