If you had a Tesla and it got stolen...
Would it now be an Edison?
Doctor you've got you help me, I'm addicted to twitter.
Doctor: I don't follow you.
I got you a refrigerator for your birthday.
I can’t wait to see your face light up when you open it.
My wife texted me saying "Your great!". I responded, "No, you're great!" She said the text made her day when she got home.
I guess she really likes being corrected on her grammar.
A flat earther was debating me and got so mad he said "I will walk off the edge of the earth to prove you wrong!!"
He'll come around eventually
Did you hear about the two antennas that got married?
The ceremony was ok, but the reception was great.
Honest LPT: I got embarrassed the other day, and want to help other people avoid making my mistake. Now this might seem counterintuitive, but if you come up with a good dad joke MEMORIZD it and NEVER write it down. Because the moment you put it on paper...
Have you heard about the chicken that got kicked out because it was too big?
Did you hear about the whistleblower who got trapped in a Russian blizzard?
I gots two words that will leave you all scratching your heads.
Do you know what 50 Cent used to do every time he got hungry
I have a plan for a new side-hustle. I’m gonna do personal training for members of the band that recorded ‘Lola’ and ‘You Really Got Me’. It’s a good plan...
I just have to work out a few Kinks.
My dad got his first dose of vaccine yesterday, so I asked him, “Did you have any reaction?”
My wife and I were woken up at 3am by loud banging on our door. I got up, opened the door and there was a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push. "Are you insane man?!!? It's 3 in the morning!!" I screamed, slamming the door and stormed back to bed...
"Who was that?" asked my wife.
"Just some drunk asking for a push." I grumbled.
"Did you help him?" she asked.
"No, I did NOT! It's 3am and it's pouring rain!"
"Well, you've a short memory." she said. "Don't you remember three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself! Now get out there and help him!"
She had a point, and angrily, I got dressed and went out into the darkness, calling out, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes."
"Do you still need a push?"
"Yes please."
"Where are you?"
"Over here...on the swing."
Did you hear about the Pokemon Trainer who got an Emmy, a Grammy, an Oscar, and a Tony?
Did you hear about the guy who got fired from the Keyboard Factory?
He didn’t put enough shifts in
Did you hear that Steve Harvey got into an argument with his wife?
Did you hear about the teddy who got arrested for public indecency?
Did you hear about that actress named Reese that got stabbed?
Man 2: Witherspoon?
Man 1: No; with a knife.
I asked the Doctor ‘have you got anything for excessive wind?’
Did you hear about the soldier who got hit with mustard gas and pepper spray?
My 5 year old just got me with this one: What do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman?
Son why have you got absolutely no marks in your exams?
You told me to stand out from the rest.
Did you hear Santa got really sick from going down the chimney?
Yeah, they think he caught the flue.
I got a great pizza joke for you.
Never mind, it’s too cheesy!
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
I got dad joked by my 3 year old daughter at dinner today: "Hey do you have a bun?" I asked her.
"NO I WANT A WHOLE BUN"
She's well on her way to being the dad I never had
Did you hear about the man who got his left part cut off?
Don´t worry, he´s alright now
Do you know why I got fired from the calendar factory?
did you hear about the guy who got the left side of his body cut off?
I got into an argument with someone I thought was a "birds aren't real" supporter. I'm an idiot; they were just messing with me and they made some amazing bird puns along the way that deserve attention. The link to the post is in the comments so you can go give the user karma and see the context.
https://preview.redd.it/n7zvpwxkj6m51.png?width=1280&format=png&auto=webp&s=54f0549ebd3c055929698d6fef3bc05782bf5282
Did you hear about the wisdom tooth who got smart with the dentist?
Got anxiety and you've run out of things to Fu Man-chew?
What do you call the joker if he got a flu?
Wife: Oh my god why have you got that huge lizard?
Husband: You said we needed a baby monitor!!
Did you hear about the Sith apprentice who finally got his printer to work?
I hear the problem was A dam driver.
What do you call an instagram celeb who got Corona?
Did you hear about the Mt. Everest expedition that got snowed in?
They said their nights were intents....
"Okay rookie, the first thing you've got to learn about making pornography for the blind is: Voice Projection."
"That sounds hard."
"Thank you. I'm a professional."
Do you want to know how I got out of Iraq?
I just got my girlfriend with this: “You heard about that country named after Becky Stan?”
Her: “Who’s Becky Stan? 🤨
... Ohhh 😖”
Did you hear about the guy that got killed by a wheelbarrow?
Apparently, he was living on barrowed time.
Did you hear about the solider that got hit with mustard gas and pepper spray?
He’s now a seasoned veteran
Did you know I got fired from the calendar factory ?
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