Good Girlfriend Puns

Said if she ever hosts a gender reveal party, when it comes time to pop the balloon she'll spray everyone with water.

Gender is fluid.

I wanted her to be prepared for the Wurst.

I just know we're going to workout.

She wants you to be more Roman-tic.

So they're pretty much all one-liners.

I opened the cabinet to pull out the chocolate syrup when I noticed a chocolate fingerprint on the top. I jokingly asked her if she did that to mark it as hers since she had told me she might have to hide it to keep me from using it all. So, we go back and forth over whose fingerprint it is when she grabs it and takes it over to the dog. She holds it up and goes, "Eddie, look. Whose is that?" Of course, he's a dumb dog, so he just whines and wags his tail. She then comes back to me and says, "I sent the fingerprint to the Lab, results came back inconclusive." Cue long sigh.

Edit: Damn...

Edit 2: The Lab

The door opened and I said: "After you my dear". Her response: "Thank you my elk"!

It took me a while to realize it, but damn I'm proud.

Edit: Geez thanks for all the entertaining comments, I woke up to a plethora of notifications! I appreciate it everyone.

Girlfriend came home from a rough day of class and asks me to draw her a bath. So I got a paper and pencil, drew her a bath tub, and handed it to her. The look she gave me has been imprinted into my brain.

Gonna do it at a nice steakhouse. Thinking about what I should say, but I also want to throw in a "dad joke" to make her laugh a bit since she likes those.

Im a photographer and was telling her about an assignment to photograph a woman and her early 20th century car and that the woman would be wearing authentic era clothing for the portrait.

Me: And she'll be wearing period appropriate clothing. Girlfriend: So she'll be wearing sweatpants?

She-moan-a

Me: What did I say when I walked in on an Italian in the bathroom?

Her (she knows a dad joke is imminent): what?

Me: "oh eurapeein!"

Her: infinite eye rolls

Szechuan of a kind!

This didn’t actually happen.

So, I was making my lunch and I had asked her how long to put it in the microwave.

Me: How long should I put this in for?

Her: Put it in for a minute and see where it is.

Me: It's gonna be in the microwave.

Her: God, I hate you.

But I think I would look a little hefty.

Then everyone would lav en dar'd be fun all around

Gf: Do you like my haircut? Me: It's definitely growing on me GF: It's growing on me too!

She was lightly biting my finger after complaining she was hungry so I told her I wasn't a pizza. She replied: Are you sure because you're kinda cheesy..

We saw this nice button up, dressy sort of shirt that I liked. I said "why don't you get that?" and she said "It's nice but I cant pull shirts like that off." To which I replied "You don't need to, this one's got buttons." I was quite pleased with myself.

We were discussing the fact that she's short and the conversation went something like this

Me: I remember when I was a fun sized Snickers bar, then I turned 14 and became a party sized Snickers bar.

Her: Well what if I don't want to be a Snickers bar?

Me: Then you can be any generic fun sized candy bar of your choice.

Her: Idk what I would be. But it would make sense that you're a Snickers bar, you have nuts.

Edit: Formatting

Back story: I'm at a shop getting my car put on a dyno. A dyno measures the power output. I didn't tell my girlfriend but she knew I was planning on getting it done soon.

Me: I'm in neighboring city

GF: what are you doing there?

Me: car stuff

GF: are you getting a stegosaurus

Me: what...?

GF: I thought you were getting a dino!

Me: ohmygod.

I was grilling steaks outside and her eyes kept changing colors. I called her a witch and said, "I'm gonna burn you at the steak..." while pointing to the grill.

eye rolls all around with a HA from her parents.

GF: Why are you rushin?

Me: It's genetic babe.

My girlfriend and I were eating dinner, and she was talking about her coworkers. She was listing them and she said, "There's George, and two Carolinas. " I immediately replied, "North and South?" She rolled her eyes and groaned while I beamed happily.

She found a pair of my younger brother's boxers mixed in with mine which happens from time to time in the laundry. She jokingly asked if I was having a gay affair, to which I replied, "I'm having so many gay affairs I can't keep them straight."

She just groaned and left the room.

I woke up to my nose randomly bleeding; it's done that erratically for years now. As I went to grab some tissue, my girlfriend woke up and said "Oh, you've got a bloody nose!" to which I responded "Of course I do - there's no need to swear about it!" Groaning ensued.

We watched our cat knead the couch before he laid down

Me: "Why do cats always do that?"

Her: "Because they NEED to!"

I sighed so hard my lungs collapsed

We were at walmart and I was saying all sorts of bad jokes associated with products. She eventually got mad, so I asked if she thought I was funny. We walked past some cheetos in the chip isle and she pointed at the cheetos and said "ya, you're dangerously cheesy". I knew she was a keeper.

We are re-staining the banister in our house to match our new floors. So my girlfriend asked what the process is. The employee starts going on how we need to first use stripper to remove the paint. My girlfriend asked how much are strippers. I quickly responded well it depends on how nice, what time of day and where you go to get your stripper. Everyone had a good laugh my girlfriend was not amused.

Me: I should get to bed, its 12:12

Her: Actually its 12:13

Me: well I guess the times have changed

Her: why do you say these things

While talking about what kind of sauce to get for our pasta.

Me: "Do you want to get Prego?" Her: "No I don't think we are ready for kids yet."

Girlfriend: Try this drink Mark, it taste just like a sweet tart! Me: sips drink That's pretty good. What's or called? Girlfriends friends: It's called a Kamikaze. Me: That explains why people are dying to get it.

We were in line at a store, and she got some change back. She dropped it, and I picked it up and kept it and we walked away.

A bit later I said "I guess I am keeping your change?"

And then I said "...unless you want your nickleback!"

Didn't get a groan but I can tell she didn't think it was funny.

We're laying in bed and my hand finds her boob. Her- Why are you always grabbing my boobs? Me- I'm just being supportive.

She rolled her eyes so hard while I died of laughter

So I've been dating this Jewish girl for a while, (I'm catholic) and the other day we were talking about getting dinner. The conversation went as follows.

Me - "I think we're picking up dinner at mi pueblo"

Her- "I've never been there"

Me- "It's good."

Her- "I'm not the biggest Mexican person though sooo"

Me- "No, you're actually a rather small Jewish person"

Her- "...."

I have a little bit of stubble, hadn't shaved since about Thursday.

"What's the longest you've gone without shaving?"

"Oh, about fourteen years."

Damn it feels good, people. It feels damn good indeed.

I asked if she wanted me to pour her a glass of water ('cause I'm a gentleman yo) and she said 'yes please'. I said 'say stop'.

start pouring

'Thank you'

keep pouring

'That's enough..'

keep pouring

'STOP!'

stop pouring and smile like an idiot

We were talking about her weird neighbors, as she was watching them drive by slowly

Me: they're just weird because they're Russian

Her: they're not Russian they're slow

Her: how do you know all letters are boys

-how?

Her: because they are mail

Dad was driving us to his place, and we were talking about games. Girlfriend mentions Blizzard.

Dad: Which one is Blizzard?

Girlfriend: The guys that make World of Warcraft!

Dad: Huh. I thought they were the guys that made the ice.

Goddammits were all around.

My back has been hurting lately, an last night when my girlfriend came by, she did me the favor of rubbing my back. As she got lower, I told her about a smallish fatty lump on my lower right side. She asked if it hurt to rub or touch, and I said calmly without thinking, "nah, it hasn't hurt anyone, doesn't ever do anything but cyst there."

We sat in silence for a few seconds as we realized what just happened. I couldn't stop smiling, but the house groaned.

My girlfriend was wearing a new vest the other night, and her sister thought it was kind of weird. She (gf) asked if I liked it, and I said "it looks nice, but you could say I have a vested interest in the question".

She rolled her eyes, and then laughed.

We were talking about our days. She mentioned she hadn't been feeling good, and took a shower in the hopes to feel better.

My response: "So did it help, or was it just a wash?"

I was leaving university while she was saying behind for another class.

Her: I'll walk you to the steps, cos I don't feel like walking down just to go back up

Me: That's fair, you're not really the Stair-eo-type

A large amount of groaning followed

[discussing via text what movie to see this weekend]

her (sarcastically): Let's see 50 Shades of Grey.

me: haha I almost jokingly suggested the same thing to you.

her: GREY minds think alike!

me: Auuuugghhhhhhhh

So we were eating at our campus dining hall, and my girlfriend says "here, do you want this chicken? It tastes like egg"

"Well, to be fair..."

ME: "Does this kale need to be thrown away? We've had it for weeks and we haven't made it yet and it looks dead!!!"

GF: "No, it's fine."

ME: "You're KALE-ING me, Smalls!"