For a closet racist.
He goes to the doctor to discuss his depression. When he arrives back home he has a huge smile on his face. He rushed past his wife and heads into the basement, where he immediately starts tinkering with a brand new invention.
His wife comes downstairs, gives the invention a once-over, then asks "What on earth is this thing, and how this supposed to help your depression?".
"Honey, the doctor told me working on this should have me feeling better in no time!" replies the man. He then proceeds to describe in detail how the machine cracks eggs, steams them, and flips them out onto a plate in under a minute, all at the touch of a button.
"But what on earth does this have to do with your depression? What did that quack doctor tell you to do?" asks the wife
The man replies: "He told me to work on my self egg-steam".
A smooth boar rifle.
"Hey buddy, quit fishing for compliments!"
How was I supposed to know she’d never driven a bus before?
It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.
3 wipes: rookie dad, hasn't figured it out yet
2 wipes: getting there, but still a noob
1 wipe: master dad
0 wipes: not a very good dad.
Came up during a conversation about having a bonfire
Dad "Here's something you might not have known about me, I can cut wood by just looking at it"
Me, fully expecting a dad joke: "I don't believe you but would you care to elaborate"
Dad: "Its true! I saw it with my own eyes"
He giggled to himself for about 10 minutes after that one.
It was D-grading.
The saleswoman says, "For you? A candelabra."
Because I was going to use you as my driver.
An example of a good dilemma? No problem!
"No, actually we'd like to stay and eat"
But it only had tuna half stars.
We were having breakfast yesterday and he was mindlessly eating this grape jelly packet. In a joking/mocking way I asked him how his jelly was, until he replied "its pretty grape".
We were sitting down to dinner and one of our cats was meowing for attention. He said: "C'mon butterscotch, you gotta be kitten me".
I was so proud of meow boy.
